I listen to a lot of radio commercials. No, no, it's not out of choice, I may have some eccentric hobbies but that isn't one of them. No, it's because I do listen to a great deal of commercial radio and thus I am forced to endure their adverts. I write "endure" because the endless repetitions are something of a torture. However, it is the growth, or at least, I only seem to have noticed it in recent times, of the elongated vowels in the spoken delivery that is driving me dizzy! I have mentioned 'TaaaalkSpoooort' before because that is how they pronounce their station name but in general speech they do not tend to elongate vowels. Instead, they have a policy of never knowingly hitting a consonant brought about, one suspects, by the inability of many of their UK-born contributors to actually speak English - inni'?!
Returning to the adverts, there is that man with the most tedious voice on radio who slowly and lugubriously advertises "British Gaaaaaaaaas". I want to shoot him halfway through his long-drawn-out vowels! Then there are that precious pair on Classic FM who advertise the station:
Thiiiiis is Classic FM, the hooooooome of greaaaaaaaat muuuuuusic
Get on with it, I scream at the radio, I want some Beethoven not your long-winded pronouncements! Mind you, there is one slow speaker doing radio ads who I really like and I am delighted to hear him return because he seems to have been missing for a while. I mean, Garrison Keillor,who does the Honda ads. Poor writer that I am, I simply cannot come up with an exact and evocative description or metaphor for his voice. Suffice to say, that because he was born in Minnesota, and given my naive belief that everyone there speaks like him, then my next favourite wish-list place to visit 'over there' (obviously after Arkansas which must come first!) is Minnesota. There is an indefinable quality to both his voice and delivery that positively makes you want to listen and leaves you regretful when he stops - sort of missin' you already feeling!
But back to the irritations of radio ads, the other thing that ensures I will never buy their products are those companies, usually car companies, who have some fantastic, never-to-be-repeated offer at the end of which they employ the fastest speaking actors they can find, or perhaps they speed the voice up electronically, to deliver a long-winded and totally boring list of get-out clauses obviously insisted on by their legal departments. It's like listening to a legal brief being speed-read! If one had the time to actually analyse all these lawyer-inspired, weasel-word exceptions it would probably turn out that only young, blonde women with big tits living in Newport actually qualify for the amazing offer!
Anyway, that's enough of my hobby, er, interest, um, bee in my bonnet. I'm off to the station now to collect some more train numbers. Perhaps on the way home I might park up in a lay-by on the A303 and see if I can spot some more girls' names on Eddie Stobbart lorries. It's an exciting life, isn't it?