Entirely by accident I found myself sitting in my armchair reading a copy of 'The History of Ancient Assyrian Culture', or, it could have been 'The Mathematical Structure of the Higgs Boson', it's not easy for me to tell the difference, when I happened to shift in my chair, as you do, and again, entirely by accident I sat on my mate Rupe's do-flicker-thingie which put the telly on automatically and guess what - it went straight to the channel showing the ladies' 'pat-a-ball-in-a-sand-pit' game. I was shocked, I tell you, shocked! They wear nothing but knickers and bras - and very, very brief ones, too! Even worse, every time they do something, I'm not quite clear what, they enter into a passionate embrace. I struggled to get out of my chair to switch it off but at my age it's not easy . . . at least, that's what I told the Memsahib when, with her usual mastery of timing, came in and caught me salivating watching. Naturally, I have written letters to the vicar and the Chairman of the BBC.