Your Monday 'funny' #6

This is a corker!  There was this woman, see, called Maggie Hodge and she was in charge of the committee in parliament that oversees our Public Accounts and she flew into a total hissy-fit, screeching insults and threats, because some international companies were avoiding tax by moving profits overseas.  But - and this is a real side-splitter - her family's finances amounting to several millions are lodged with a company called Stemcor which is - wait for it  - based overseas to avoid tax!

But wait ... it isn't finished yet ... here's the real punch line - you, yes you, pay for her huge salary, expenses and pension! 

Oh God, you must admit that's hilarious  . . . oh! . . . you didn't think so . . . sorry . . . er, yes the toilet's over there . . . do you need a glass of water  . . . ?

Sorry, that 'joke' fell a bit flat so here's another, courtesy of my e-pal Andra, to give you a half smile anyway:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult – who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."

" Who said that? -- I want to know right now?” she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'”

The teacher glares around and asks, “All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was elected, August 2010."

And some 'quickies' from the same source:

I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.

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In Memorium 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. 

They put his left leg in . . . and then the trouble started.

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Right, that's enough humour for today, yes, you heard right "humour", now, you're not here to enjoy yourselves, so get on with your work!

 

 

Comments

[backofanenvelope]

I inadvertently watched the Hodge woman this morning. The zapper had slipped down the site of the chair. I just wish these multinational companies had some guts and would stand up to her and her friends. The tax arrangements were dreamt up by the politicians. If they are wrong - change them.

[Farenheit211]

She wasn't exactly a 'star' when she was in charge of London't Islington council either.