Tomorrow morning spare a thought for an innocent group of gentlemen who are to be regaled with my PowerPoint talk on How the Germans Lost WWI in the First Six Weeks. Yes, indeed, what have they done to deserve that - except being daft enough to book me? However, today you may spare a thought, a sympathetic thought, for me, that's me, as in me, me, me! You see, unlike my Shakespeare talks which are just non-stop yadda-yadda, my military ones come in the form of all-dancing, all-singing PowerPoint presentations which require the services of a computer, a projector, special speakers, a remote control, two memory sticks (in case I lose one!), a computer mouse (because I cannot get on with those touch-pad-thingies) and they all have to be connected up to each other which requires several miles of cabling (well, it seems like several miles) in various forms and lengths - and all with different plug designs requiring different sockets which I can never find. Now, at this point you may already have an inkling of the problem. Yes, indeed, the final requirement is a man who is capable of putting all those 'thingies' together and not just together but together in the right order - and all inside 20 minutes under the barely disguised, sniggering hilarity of the audience as they await the opening! Of course, there are always one or three wiseacres amongst them who claim to know all about computer/projector electrics and who insist on offering their advice and even, on occasions, actually stepping in to plug this or that into that or the other! How I haven't actually murdered any of them them is a testament to my innate good manners.
I have been giving these talks for several years now but the military ones are relatively rare and because I keep putting my memory down somewhere and forgetting where, so, each time I have to put myself through a re-education course in electrical and computer engineering in order to relearn the exercise. I do this in our kitchen/diner and so far today I am glad to report I have only kicked the cat once and had two rows with the 'Memsahib' who seems to regard the kitchen much as France regarded Alsace-Lorraine! Anyway, it has taken me hours to get everything together and I have just paused to allow time for my blood pressure to settle and then I shall go downstairs for one last rehearsal of exactly how all those bloody-bloody bits and pieces and odds and sods all join up!
Why wasn't I born with techie-type skills?
Remember Gheluvelt.
Posted by: Tom Knott | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 15:30
Time spent in reconnaisance (and practicing) is seldom wasted. A list or diagram?
Very best of luck, hope is goes well.
Posted by: rogerh | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 17:25
Happily, Tom, for both them and me, Gheluvelt lies just outside my time-scale because otherwise my talk might last longer than the war itself! The minute the Germans drew back from the Marne they lost the war, a pronouncement, of course, that could only be made with the 20/20 vision of hindsight!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 17:30
Although I suspect that von Schlieffen would have known it!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 17:31
Roger, you are sounding suspiciously like the 'Memsahib'! Were I to actually make a list or draw a diagram I can absolutely guarantee it would be lost within hours and turn up months later giving me A1 brain-ache trying to work out what on earth it was for!
I worry about myself sometimes!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 17:36
Dear Duffers,
Being the incredibly organized PA that I am, I would suggest you take Roger's suggestion and then simply email or give for safe keeping the document/diagram to someone else. Someone who would, of course, be reliable to respond to your retrieval request in a timely manner. Easy peasy.
Posted by: missred | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 18:51
Did you check the freezer? If there's a jar marked "marbles" your problems are solved.
Do you have to pay these people you talk at much money or just ply them with copious amounts of liquid amber?
Just askin' .............
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 15 January 2013 at 23:22
David
You get a bunch of multi-colored tape.
Before you take the projector and things down down you put a piece of of the same color tape on both sides of each connection. A different color for each connection. Then you only have to match the colors and it set back up.
Posted by: Hank | Wednesday, 16 January 2013 at 02:31
Darlings, bless you all and I want all of you to have my babies, er, but not Andra who obviously fails to understand that a sensitive and artistic nature like mine finds it hard to come to terms with all this bloody-bloody techie-electronicie-computerie-thingie. Anyway, thanks for the tips, I'll file them carefully in my memory bank, er, when I remember where I put it!
Posted by: David Duff | Wednesday, 16 January 2013 at 15:16