With severe 'global warming' moving in this week from Canada and the arctic I trust these will warm you momentarily:
An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
And from my regular commenter, 'JK', I give you:
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number ONE Reason Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!
In 'Arkie' that is considered well inside what might be thought of as 'politically correct', if, that is, they ever bothered their heads with such nonsense in the first place. Think I might emigrate!
"best trial lawyers in England": why didn't you translate it from the original Murken, Duffers?
Posted by: dearieme | Monday, 04 February 2013 at 09:00
Because, DM:
a: I'm a lazy git, and
b: Because I have a stack of ironing to do, and yes, I do the ironing in this house because it was true what it said on those recruiting posters years ago, "They teach you a trade in the Army", only I thought it would be how to kill people I didn't like - not bloody ironing!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 04 February 2013 at 09:47
Both excellent - thanks.
Posted by: rogerh | Monday, 04 February 2013 at 13:07
My pleasure, Roger.
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 04 February 2013 at 15:16