Well, on consideration 'bitch' sounds a bit girlie so given my gender, age and disposition perhaps 'grump' might be a better word. Anyway, I want to have a moan and a groan, starting with all those bloody charities that constantly blight my television. Everytime I pass through my kitchen the TV, usually silent, is showing a film of a starving leopard/lion cub/African child/cheetah/Asian child/polar bear/lesser-spotted natterjack toad, tick as necessary, er, well, perhaps not the last one but it's only a matter of time! And I know that were I to turn the sound up there would be some dirge-like music and a droning soporific 'luvvie' earning his money by 'doing dolour' better than than Hamlet! I don't mind them rattling their collecting tins but I just wish they would come up with some better, or at least, different, scripts.
Then there are the charities themselves. I have always detested Oxfam and when The Telegraph informed me that its just-retired boss, a fat, former NHS apparatchik, called Lady Stocking, earned a cool £120k a year, and that's not including expenses as she flew all over the world to this conference or that to meet her fellow high-living panjandrums. And I don't suppose she put herself up at the nearest mud hut when she visited Africa! Then yesterday saw the publication of as ripe a piece of old Left-wing agit-prop as you could ever expect to find in a rubbish bin when Oxfam, spending the hard-earned contributions of the ninnies who fell for their sucker-ads on TV, issued a report on wealth inequalities in the UK (eh? what?) saying, in effect, that the seriously rich in Britain are, er, seriously richer than, well, the seriously poor in Britain - whodathunkit? So whatever it cost to produce that bit of prime recycling material, including the salary and perks for a certain "Mr.Ben Phillips, Oxfam's director of campaigns and policy" and I bet he doesn't come cheap, was the equivalent of about ten years supply of maize for that starving kid with the big head, gaunt features and swollen belly they keep showing on my telly!
And whilst I'm on the subject of TV ads, I have a question: why do they keep smiling at me? It's driving me nuts - alright, nuttier! Every bloody advert has these people smiling, smiling, smiling, either at each other, or at the sunset, or at their latest kitchen gadget, or at some shark lawyer who has won them £5k in compensation even though he has trousered £4,750 of it in fees, or, and this is the worst - they smile at me! I hate smiley people! I mean, I don't smile at them so why should they smile at me all the bloody time!
What was that ? Oh, yes, you're quite right, time for my meds . . . I trust you're not smiling!