A few days ago it was Sir Ken Dodd's 90th birthday and to honour that occasion I give you a selection of his 'jokes' which have delighted us over the years and though they appear simple and childish they actually demonstrate a deep knowledge of the English language:
My Dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said: ‘Is this a joke?’
Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel.
So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut.
I told the Inland Revenue I didn’t owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Honolulu’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
Five-thirds of people have trouble understanding fractions.
My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them.
She was a big girl — she could stir-fry a leg of lamb. She tried the ‘speak your weight’ machine. It said: ‘To be continued.’
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying: ‘Well, that taught me a lesson.’
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome — it started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.
What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone’s letter box and shouting: ‘Help, help, the Martians have landed.’
I wouldn’t part with my teeth. I’m the only patient who can sit in the dentist’s waiting room and have his teeth checked in the surgery.
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows — it’s never been done before.
Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The
bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed, but in the end he came to the conclusion that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a
men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”
He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years!” the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.”
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said, “Let’s see, size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or
lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out
is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire,
or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game
so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb
ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"Good, now explain that to your Grandmother."
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can
tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ..............
'Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
That's it for today - get back to work!