My New Year good wishes: Alas, whenever I use that phrase I remember my old Mum and another of her favourite old Scottish sayings: "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride", och aye the noo and all that sort of thing! Even so, for what they are worth - nottalot! - I do send all you D&N readers my sincere hopes that you dodge the bullets for another year!
Talking of bullet dodging: Has anyone seen or heard of 'The Big Henry'? He has been 'MIA' for several weeks now and I miss him, even if he was sometimes a bit bruising. Come back, Henry, all is forgiven!
The 'nibbly' chef strikes again! Yes, I bet you all wish you were here in 'zunny Zummerzet' because tonight, by popular acclaim, I have been appointed 'nibbly' chef for our annual New Year dinner party. Three couples join forces with each providing a different course. I, of course, am famed the length and breadth of, well, my kitchen, actually, for my 'nibblies' - and I do the jokes round here, Andra! This delicate operation would take the average housewife about ten minutes to complete but for me it will be most of the afternoon and I will need to take to my bed afterwards due to nervous exhaustion.
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow": is Monday, of course, so if you are all suffering with hangovers let me assure you that I have an accumulation of 'Monday Funnies' to cheer you all up. In addition, you might be vouchsafed a glimpse at 'Old Duff's Almanac', my forecast of likely "events, dear boy, events" for 2018. They could be even more hilarious than the 'Funnies'!
And talking of Macbeth: Yes, of course I was, and here is the full quote:
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
I thought you would all like to know that in London in 2018 there will be, not one, not two, not even three but four productions of Macbeth! That will be three versions of the play itself plus a production of the opera. Extra large whiskeys needed, I feel!
Hey, man, that weed rocks! Sorry, sorry, that's my pathetic Brit effort to sound 'Kalifornian' and, er, 'with it'. My reason for making a prat of myself attempting the impossible is because it has just been reported that 'Kalifornia' has come top amongst all of the (dis)United States for reporting sightings of UFOs. Any suggestion that this might be a result of cannabis being freely available is a disgraceful slur on the liberal 'dope-heads' of 'Kalifornia'!
'Didja see it, didja, didja'? I refer, of course, to 'Spiral'. Waddya mean, what the hell is 'Spiral'? It's the brilliant 'Frenchie-poo' police and legal series which I have been boring raving about for years since it first appeared on BBC4. Series 6 started last night and there will be two episodes every Saturday night. Don't worry if you have missed the first two because I watched them last night and I haven't a clue what's going on - so no change there, then! But I don't care just so long as mon chéri, Audrey Fleurot, is in it playing a tough but vulnerable lawyer.
Alas, my French must have gone a bit rusty over the years because she never replies to the many letters I send her! She is not a classic beauty but, dammit, she is very, very attractive.
My 'nibblies' are complete: And, of course, they are perfection! In fact, it would be a shame to eat them! In due course I will raise a glass to all four points of the compass to wish you well.
No more rumbles today - or even this year!