Not that you deserve any because its another Bank Holiday and - unbelievably! - we're actually experiencing a heat wave for the first time since Magna Carta was signed. 'It bodes ill, I tell 'ee!'
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
“Rubbish”, replied the young alien.. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus bush.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him, shaking his big, green head.
“What a ferocious creature!”exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crisply friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
A selection of Jewish jokes:
A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.
He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser... " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River
"I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling , and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: " Lovely to see you, but who the F**k did your hair?”
That's your lot and I have to get outside and top up my tan!