Mea culpa and all that sort of thing for failing to 'rumble' yesterday but I swear it was the hottest day of the year decade century and following a convivial lunch with friends somehow the muse left me. Also, before I split your sides with the 'Monday Funnies' let me pass on my congratulations to (Sir - or dare I now say - Lord?) Lewis Hamilton for a superb victory yesterday in which he paid back that damned Hun, who had the impertinence to steal the British Grand Prix victory a fortnight ago, by winning the German Grand Prix yesterday - after starting the race from 14th on the grid!
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Queensland Police.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you wanta be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a copper, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.
Oh do stop groaning, they get better, really they do . . .
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site in Beijing. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,
"You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a big dent in that there pile."
So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocouldafinda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!
See, dead subtle that one!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
During their recent summit meeting, Vlad asks 'The Don' what the 'J' stands for in 'Donald J. Trump'?
The Don replies, "The 'J' stands for Genius!
Two great truths from Buddha:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
And talking of 'hard work', it's about time you 'wage slaves' did some, the boss will be in shortly!