Bloody clocks: It's all a plot, I tell you, designed to confuse an old man in his dotage. I mean, of course, this nonsense of moving the clocks forwards, or backwards (I'm never entirely sure which), which leaves me all a-kilter. I moaned about it to the 'Memsahib' this morning and all she could say was had I changed them? Honestly, I have to do everything in this house! And anyway, whilst I am perfectly able to push the long arm of a proper clock forwards or backwards (when someone tells me which it is) it is way above my pay grade to change electric clocks. They whizz round as such a speed that I always shoot past the time I'm aiming for. Happily, my computer-thingie-clock changes automatically and as I spend more time looking at that than anything else, I am happy.
Добро пожаловать, товарищи: You don’t speak Russian! Well, start learning because the cry is going up – the Russians are coming, the Russians are coming! My sub-title means “Welcome, comrades”, and yes, I know the appellation “comrades” is a bit out of date but it’s friendly and will remind them of, er, better former times! Anyway, according to Peter Spence in The Telegraph, a survey of oligarchs in Russia shows that most of them plan to ‘do a runner’ in the near future and London is amongst their havens of choice. Goody, goody, say I, as I relish the sight of us Brits doing what we’re so awfully good at – relieving rich foreigners of their dosh – but all in the very smoothest, politest fashion, of course.
Well, she is Polish: I refer to Ms. Helen Czerski, a sort of physics swot who has inveigled her way onto the airwaves via the BBC – yeeeeees, quite! I point out the fact that she is of Polish extraction because, ‘as every fule do no’, the Poles are quite mad. Whether this madness is “A Good Thing” or “A Bad Thing” depends on whether or not they are for you or ‘agin’ you – check out the history of the Polish Lancers and you will see what I mean! Anyway, I am grateful to ‘m’Lord Bishop Hill’ for pointing to a ‘tweet’ (or whatever they call the silly things) by Ms. Czerski who recently took part in a BBC programme on global warming which was criticised for being hopelessly unbalanced. In reply to the critics she wrote this: “And actually, it's v. balanced in sense that there is no "skeptic" voice.” See what I mean?
Obama has chosen sides: And so, as the Arabic religious war kicks off in a fight, literally to the death, between Iranian-led Shi-ites and Saudi-backed Sunnis, the President of the United States of America has chosen to back the Shi-ites. If they win – big ‘IF’ - he may be lauded but as the war will be fought Arabic-style, that is, with every cruelty imaginable to man, he will also be tarred. Quite what the national interests of America will gain out of this bloody imbroglio, I do not know, but then, President Obama – The One! – is so much more intelligent than little, old me!
I want Janet Daley to have my babies: Yes, yes, I realise there may be one or two legal, biological or ethical problems involved – and that’s before the ‘Memsahib’ reaches for the axe - but, dammit, the lady is brilliant, I am not but therefore all the more reason that her genes and mine should be introduced! In The Telegraph yesterday she summed up all my hitherto inchoate thoughts on the sheer wretchedness of Westminster and its grubby, clueless inhabitants. If you are a Brit - READ IT NOW!
More thieving - sorry m'Lud: The Telegraph is to publish a book of some of the wittiest political letters it has received from its readers in recent years. I offer a selection to cheer you up on this windy day as you stumble around asking what time is it?
SIR – The Leader of the House of Lords, Thomas Galloway Dunlop du Roy de Blicquy Galbraith, 2nd Baron Strathclyde, claims that the Conservatives are not the rich, posh party. Indeed, how would he know?
Jack Woodford, Buckfastleigh, Devon
SIR – Is Plebgate the first political scandal to involve an actual gate?
Annie Pierce, Birkenhead, Cheshire
SIR – A no-fly zone over Libya seems an excellent idea. The Libyans have enough problems without flies.
Ray Cantrell, Colchester, Essex
SIR – We are bombing Colonel Gaddafi because he is bombing his own people. Why can’t he stick to bombing other people’s people like the rest of us?
Trevor Wray, Stroud, Gloucestershire
SIR – Scotland has spoken. May we now hope that it will shut up?
David Cole, Salisbury, Wiltshire
SIR - Ed Milliband’s desire to have four million “conversations” with voters prior to the election will need them to be short, rather like the last one I had with a Labour canvasser who rang my door bell. I contributed two words, a total of seven letters.
R. Adam, Stevenage, Hertfordshire
SIR – I have never found a collective noun for clowns. If there isn’t one, may I humbly suggest a coalition.
Peter Pascall, Worsley, Lancashire
SIR – If we charged for all the terrorist training carried out in Britain it could relieve the country of its debt within a year or so.
Poor Nigeria: I do feel sorry for those zillions of Nigerians 'enjoying' their first election since independence. Given the history of the two candidates it is a bit like choosing between John Goti and Al Capone! I suppose if - and I do mean 'if' - the current President Goodluck John (what an ill-judged name!) surrenders power to a previous President General Mohammedu Buhari, then that is, perhaps, the first tiny step to a democracy of sorts. But I'm not holding my breath! (Incidentally, I have just realised that I do not have a separate category for 'Africa'. Shame on me!)
No more rumbles today