Tricky things, tunnels: Like you, I guess, I have been somewhat bemused by the Israeli operations in Gaza. They seemed to be floundering about with no very clear objective which is most unlike the IDF but, according to the Jerusalem Post, this was far from the truth. Their main objective is, and remains, the destruction of the tunnel network built at eye-watering expense by Hamas (and their Iranian ally). Apparently Israeli intelligence had a very good idea where most of them were situated but like all intelligence it was not 100%. I think also that the sophistication of these tunnels has taken them by surprise - Hamas has actually equipped some of them with motor-bikes so that their fighters can take them above ground and use them for greater speed and mobility. In retrospect the Israelis were rather wise to hold their hand until huge amounts of money and effort had been epended by Hamas before moving in to wreck them. Perhaps, Hamas will think twice before trying to rebuild a tunnel network that will take years of effort and zillions of Iranian dosh.
Right, pay attention 'over there'! With the sort of generosity for which 'old Europe' is famed the length and breadth of, er, well, 'old Europe', we have kindly sent over our World Cup 'footie' tournament which attracted huge TV audiences 'over there' not least because your own team played enormously well. Also, several of our top club 'footie' teams are with you to play friendly matches with each other by way of warming up for the new season. One match attracted a stadium audience of over 100K! So, by now it must be perfectly clear to you all that you can stop playing rounders and netball and certainly there is no need to bore yourselves rigid watching great big grunts deliberately run into each other! Your new national game is 'footie' - hurrah!
So, today's the day: Yes, indeed, 100 years ago today Great Britain took the first action that was eventually to eliminate the word 'Great' from our title. Of course, it also eliminated around 800,000 men! As an ex-soldier and an exceedingly amateurish historian I feel, somehow, that I should mark the event with some noble words but the fact is that there are none. I can't cry and I certainly can't cheer. About all I can do is mutter some curses under my breath aimed at the idiots, most of them Germans, who with an arrogance and certainty that defies belief, marched into the slaughterhouse. I hope they rot in hell!
Confirmed - avoid the Edinburgh Festival: I have never been tempted to attend any of the myriad of literary and musical festivals which abound in this country. Even if you live in a village with five houses and a pig farm some 'artyfarty comunity activist' will insist that you all get together and hold a 'festival' of some sort - musical pig-roasting, perhaps. Anyway, courtesy of The Telegraph I have their choice of the five best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. Oh goodie, I thought, I can nick a few of those for my 'Monday Funnies' spot Well, talk about laugh - I didn't! In fact, I failed even to crack a smile, partly I suspect, because I didn't understand some of them. If you are suffering with a surfeit of good humour, not a frequent experience around here, go and read them, it will soon cure your condition!
Sperm banks for lesbians: According to the prints today, our wonderful Nationalised Health Service is to provide lesbians with a sperm bank from which, presumably, they can withdraw the, er, necessary deposits! Honestly, you'd think they might have asked me! I, as it were, stand lean flop ready to supply their every need, although a few intimate piccies might be required to, er, stiffen my courage, so to speak.
Give our 'gal' soldiers proper support, I say! I was shocked, I tell you, shocked, to learn via The Telegraph that our brave young 'gals' in the army are not provided with proper support in undertaking their duties. No, indeed, they are forced to buy their own bras to help keep order in the ranks, or something like that. Because, you see, when the RSM has them marking time on the spot and eventually shouts, "HALT!", they find it impossible to all come to a halt together - as it were! At least, I think that's what the complaint was about but the result is that these poor wee lassies have been forced to go out and spend their money on providing their own sports-type bras. Has no-one ever told them that in the entire history of the British army the 'Toms' (and now the 'Tomettes') have always had to buy their own gear because the stuff in the QM's store was, is and forever will be - crap!
No more rumbles today