Today, in what must count as the least surprising news since that American cyclist was found to glow in the dark, a further 26 'athletes' (I use the term loosely) have been found to have taken drugs whilst taking part in the 'Our Druggies Can Beat Your Druggies' competition which takes place at tediously regular intervals every four years. My maths isn't too good but that must take the total number of cheats to around 2,867, give or take the odd hundred, all of whom will now be banned.
Now is my chance! For decades I have been training rigorously for the Olympics in order to earn my place in the Egg 'n' Spoon race, or, failing that, the sack race - my 'hoppity-hop' technique which I practice on the village green is now watched in awe by an ever-increasing number of young mums and their small off-spring. Of course, hitherto, my chosen events have been eliminated by the shysters who run the Olympics in favour of sprinting and marathons and chucking spears and all that sort of thing, frequently undertaken by 'ladies' whose musculature exceeds that of 'Mr. Universe'.
But now, we are poised to see an Olympic Games cleaned up and free of all drugs. Unfortunately (for some) that means that number of 'clean' athletes available to undertake the usual events has been hugely reduced. This means that there is now room for my events. I have already taken out my athletic gear and ironed it ready for Brazil. I think you will find that my knee-length blue shorts which fit snugly under my armpits with the assistance of tartan braces worn over my string vest will set a whole new fashion in sporting wear. I just hope that those Brazilian ladies taking part in the volleyball competition do not become too over-excited!
And yes, you're right, I only wrote all this rubbish as an excuse to search for pictures of Brazilian ladies playing volleyball. Sad, really!