Don't ever feel faint in Arkansas: As you know, my spies are everywhere in 'Arkieland' and so it did not take long for me to find out that an action for damages has been filed in the Sharp County Court by the family of a gentleman who was pronounced dead despite the doubts of the coroner. The unfortunate gentleman was shipped off to the undertakers and was about to be embalmed when it was discovered that he had a pulse rate of 30 beats a minute! Alas, he died - no, really, really died - the next day. Anyway, it serves to remind you of my oft-repeated wisdom that 'timing, as in sex and drumming and, er, death, is everything!'
And reports of my death are exaggerated: Mind you, I have felt like death warmed up ever since New Year's Day. My 'Man Flu' developed into a chest infection and I could have hawked and spat for Britain at the Olympics if asked. Today there are definite signs of improvement and I have asked the 'Memsahib' to delay the embalming!
It's that creepy coincidence thing - again: Apropos my earlier tale, the Memsahib, lying in bed reading a book - as is her wont - read me this extract from The Children Act by Ian McKewan. Two lawyers meet and one says to the other:
"I read a wonderful little exchange in Stephen Sedley's new book. Just your thing. It's from a Massachusetts trial. A rather insistent cross examiner asks a pathologist whether he can be absolutely sure that a certain patient was dead before he began the autopsy. The pathologist says he's absolutely certain. Oh, how can you be so sure? Because, the pathologist says, his brain was in a jar sitting on my desk. But, says the cross examiner, could the patient have been alive nonetheless? Well, comes the answer, it's possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Someone tell the BoE and the Fed Reserve: I came across this quote the other day which just about says it all:
“There is no means of avoiding the final collapse of a boom brought about by credit expansion. The alternative is only whether the crisis should come sooner as the result of a voluntary abandonment of further credit expansion, or later as a final and total catastrophe of the currency system involved.” ~ Ludwig Von Mises
Why can't women cut their hair? I grump about this because I am fed up with women on TV who constantly nod their heads to shake back the hair from their faces. They all look as though they're suffering either with a nervous tick or a version of St. Vitus Dance. I have just had my hair cut, No.2 all over which took all of 53 seconds and cost me £7.
Brilliant thinking, 'Jezza': So 'Jezza', a life-long supporter of CND, wants to get rid of our nuclear submarines. Alas for him, the majority of his MPs, and more important to him, most of the Trade Unions want them to be replaced with new boats and missiles. 'Jezza', along with his polit-bureau, thought long and hard on this ticklish problem and came up with a brilliant solution - yes, we'll have new, multi-zillion pound submarines but we will not put any nukes on them! 'Whodathunkit'?
She's back, thank God! Who, you may ask, and I will reply with just her name because that is all that is required - Anna Raccoon.
A poke in the eye for Peking: You Taiwanese are velly, velly naughty! How dare you go against the wishes of the Chinese polit-bureau and vote into office a new Prime Minister and ruling party who are Taiwanese nationalists who wishes to maintain a healthy distance between themselves and the over-reaching Chinese. And they did it with a huge majority! Unfortunately, for reasons beyond my ken, she and her party will not take over government until May - so expect yet more trouble in the South China Sea in the next few months.
The lost keys to paradise: I can't remember the number of times I have lost the keys to the car or to the front door but this Italian lady has set a new record by losing the key to her chastity belt! According to The Telegraph she turned up at her local Fire Station and after explaining the embarrassing situation, asked the duty firemen to help release her. Apparently, it was a good, old-fashioned iron chastity belt and the firemen were able to set her free. Enquiries were made to see if she had been forced to wear it by someone else but apparently not. Somehow, one feels, there is more to this story . . .
Oh dear what a pity never mind: Apparently, Russian oligarchs have lost $11bn in the last ten days.
Roman Abramovich is estimated to have lost $820m since the start of the year Photo: GETTY IMAGES
And his zillion-pound 'footie' team, Chelsea, couldn't win a match against the Girl Guides. Honestly, I think someone should organise a collection!
No more rumbles today