DUFF & NONSENSE!

In the land of the blind the one-eyed woman is queen!

Sorry, sorry, did you get that deja-vu feeling all over again?  However, you will have spotted the sexual change from my previous title which I used the other day.  Yes, indeed, today the 'Memsahib' had a cataract operation.  All went well and she's home looking somewhat bionic with an enormous clear plastic lens taped over her left eye.  I confess to feeling exceedingly nervous about the whole thing because I have a dread of anyone messing about with my eyes.  However, after an hour or two of mild irritation, she now tells me that has passed and now she feels nothing.  I must confess that the medical technology and procedures availble today are truly incredible and very humbling.

The other good news was that as I sat in the waiting room biting my nails, who should walk in but 'SoD'!  He had driven all the way down from Surrey to hold his Mum's hand, so to speak.  He's a good lad really despite his disfunctional views on Brexit!

"There will be blood" or should it be 'Will there be blood?'

The Westminster turmoil roils on and on with no end in sight and with the pressure mounting almost by the hour.  How will it end?  I have no idea - and nor does anyone else including the nincompoops in No. 10!  By and large the British, or at least, the English, are a steadfast lot, not given to hysteria but their patience is being stretched to hitherto untested extremes.  As I indicated the other day, Brexit is dead although a majority of the British public do not want to face up to that unpleasant fact which amounts to a slap in the face from the national politicians who allowed them to choose and are now doing everything to thwart their freely-voted decision.  When they do realise with what utter contempt they are viewed by the high and mighty, there may well be blood!

 

I think Bercow was right - God help me!

I never thought I would ever write those words but I stick by them.  Yes, Bercow is an utter disgrace as Speaker of the Commons as he makes no effort to hide his anti-Brexit convictions thus destroying the convention that Speakers should behave with impeccable neutrality.  You only need watch a few minutes of his behaviour in the chair to realise what a stupid, little man he is!

Even so, I do not like the habit of Mrs. May and her puerile (non)government in bringing back before the house the same resolution which has already been defeated twice in the hope that members will, eventually, vote her way!  Whilst it has been obvious for some time that she and her 'advisers' are totally useless, I am still surprised that all of them, including her, were surprised by Bercow's move!  Mind you, most of them, and I suspect her as well, are all 'Remainers' and thus she may not be too upset.

For an excellent report from inside the 'Globule' (the so-called machinery of government!), this 'dirty rat' (actually, a real hero) spills the beans on how determined they all are to kill off Brexit.  Essential reading!

 

 

Why don't we just ban ALL religions?

I frequently pose dumb questions on this blog but the one contained in my title above takes the prize!  Mind you, as the body-count, in the name of religion, rises all around the world it is tempting.  Of course, the dreaded 'Peeps', being the way they are, would soon find other reasons to slaughter each other.  Perhaps rival football fans would erupt onto the pitch at the end of each match and fight to the death in support of the Rovers or the Rangers!

Mind you, the various religions have much to answer for.  How can they continue to prate and preachify to the effect that there is, somewhere, a Supreme, All-powerful God who watches over all of us?  If so, He, She or It are pretty ineffectual 'Masters of the Universe' given the oceans of blood that has been spilled through the aeons.  Equally, the 'Peeps' themselves - that means you, and you and you over there trying to avoid my pointing finger - all of you who try to avoid the responsibility of thinking for yourselves and simply swallow whole the prating of the preachers.  Is it not obvious by now that religion is simply politics under another name?

Well, obviously it is not obvious to the vast number of my fellow 'Peeps'!

ADDITIONAL:  

Not, perhaps, the most thoughtful post I have made on this blog but I was in 'Grump Mode: Factor 10' when I wrote it!  Actually, it is not God who is infuriating me, it's people!

 

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 18.3.19

Another fine selection from my 'joke cellar'!

 

The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven!

They die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.  Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.  The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

(Oh well, there goes my Knighthood!)

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Tricky thing pronunciation!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

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Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"

Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful."

Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

Shockin', shockin', get back to work immediately!

 

The Sunday Rumble: 17.3.19

Australian Grand Prix:  Dammit, (Sir) Lewis, didn't you read the script?  You were supposed to roar off into the distance the minute the lights went out but instead you allowed your 'apprentice' to steal the race!  I trust that, as a true blue - or should that be 'true black'? - English gent of the first order you did not fall victim to all that Australian beer and the wiles of those many Australian 'Sheilas', as I believe they are called!  Even so, it was a special pleasure to find out that it was all 'fake news' about Ferrari developing a rocket-propelled engine!

 

"CHEAT":   If you missed it last week, more fool you because I did tell you that it was brilliant and you know you can trust my judgment!  The storyline was intricate - and diabolical!  If you know how to use all those 'catch-up thingies' then do it now!  Given the deplorable state of our TV productions, you will not see a better, more unusual thriller performed by a superb cast.

 

In which I suffered severe schizophrenia:   Yesterday I watched 'footie' on the 'telly', not something I am in the habit of doing but, alas, sentiment and memories drove me to it.  As a 'nipper', I was a fervent fan of Wolverhampton Wanderers but later in life, during the '80s, I was drawn to Manchester United - the era of George Best and all that!  Yesterday, they played each other and 'Wolves' won.  I didn't know whether to cheer or cry!

 

More sport - sorry!   For some reason and, I'm sure, absolutely nothing to do with those huge men and their muscular thighs, the 'Memsahib' has become hooked on Rugby.  Yesterday I watched the England vs. Scotland match, well, the first half anyway!  What a bore, the English massacred the 'Jocks' 31-nil so there did not seem much point in watching any more and, in the words of the dear old 'Screws of the World', "I made my excuses and left."  Where-ever you are on this planet, I will be surprised if you did not hear my chin hit the floor when I returned later to find that the game ended 38-38!  'Gob-smacked' ain't the word!  I hope our regular commenter, 'Jimmy Glesga', isn't suffering too much this morning!

 

Judicial Watch keep on squeezing:   Judicial Watch is an American conservative watch dog group that has its hands firmly clamped round the throat of the Obama regime in general, and the Clinton gang in particular.   It is unremitting in its efforts and finally it seems to be on the verge of success.  A judge has ordered the main 'perps' to produce previously hidden Obama-era government papers.  Should make for interesting reading!

 

That fella' Rembrant keeps following me!   It's another of those 'creepy coincidence thingies' which plague me constantly but the name 'Rembrandt' keeps popping up.  I may have mentioned before, but only about 27 times, that I have never forgotten seeing an exhibition of his work in London a few years ago.  In partiular, his self-portraits as an old man.  Now that I am poised to qualify as one myself, they strike home with increased power.  Here is one example:

 

A self-portrait, and I defy anyone not to be intrigued by the expression on the face.  Happily, I can quote a shrewd passage from the critic, Mark Hudson, in The Telegraph some five years ago:

Was the great “humanity” on which his reputation is based, exemplified by his extraordinary body of self-portraits, the product of painfully candid self-scrutiny, or a sophisticated, yet essentially sentimental gloss he was able to lay over his images at will?

I cannot answer that but what I can say is that those self-portraits, once seen, are never forgotten.

 

Vive La France - no, really!   Yes, yes, I know I occasionally spice these pages with snarky comments aimed at France but actually I am rather fond of the place and its people.  Anyway, there is an interesting article at The Coffee House praising 'mini-Macron' - yes, praising him! - but I will not attempt to precis it but instead urge you to give it a read.

 

A word of advice to the Defence Ministry:   Do not - ever! - take on a 'squaddie's' Mum!   I refer to Mrs. Diane Dernie, mother of Lance Bombardier Ben Parkinson, formerly of 7 Para, Royal Horse Artillery.  He, you may remember, was, in effect, 'blown to bits' in 2006 by a landmine in Afghanistan in which, amongst other things, he lost both his legs.

Ever since, on his behalf, his mother has fought an almost equally severe campaign against the 'quill pen pushers' in the MoD and finally she has won proper recompense for her son.  Well done, Ma'am, and you too, Lance Bombardier Parkinson!  Incidentally, for my non-military readers who may be wondering how 'Horse Artillery' fits into the Para Brigade, it is an honorific title granted to certain artillery units even if the rest of the 'Toms' refer to all gunners as "nine mile snipers"!

 

 

No more rumbles today

 

 

'In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king'

And, of course, we all inhabit the land of the blind because we are all at the mercy of the mass media, including so-called 'social' media, which for a variety of reasons picks and chooses what to tell and show us.  I am obliged to Professor Peter G. Riddell of Melbourne School of Theology who reminds us in The American Spectator, that whilst we stagger under the sheer weight of news coverage offered on the disgusting Christchurch attack, none of us are aware that:

On the morning of March 4, Christian communities in three villages in Benue State in northern Nigeria were attacked by Muslim Fulani militants. Some 23 people were killed by gunshot and machete blows as the Fulani attackers moved unchecked through the villages. Three days later, a further attack on other nearby villages resulted in the deaths of another three people. Such attacks are by no means unusual; during the month of January, a further 70 Christian villagers were murdered in other Fulani attacks.

As the 'Prof' points out, it is very much easier for the media to cover a slaughter in New Zealand than it is in Africa.  Even so, I have never heard so much as a squeak of horror and protest from, er, 'peace-loving' Muslims over the decade- long slaughter of Christians in Nigeria by Islamists.

Jes' sayin'!

 

 

One down, 'yuuuuuge' numbers more to go!

The first of the dishonest and dishonourable ratbags in Parliament appears to have received his 'marching orders'.  I refer to the wretched Mr. Nick Boles MP who has resigned from his local Conservative party association because they are about to kick him out anyway!  Needless to say, the greedy little rat will continue to cling on inside Parliament not least, I suppose, for the salary and perks.  His constituency voted 60+% in favour of 'Leave'.  He is entitled to his own view but he promised to follow the result of the referendum.

Next up, I hope and pray, will be the half-French member for Beaconsfield, Dominic Grieve.  As Andrew Pierce reported in The Mail:

The former Attorney General Dominic Grieve has finally exhausted the patience of his local Tory members, it seems.
He is one of the most implacable opponents of Brexit, and determined to stop us leaving the EU. The trouble is that his Beaconsfield constituency voted to Leave.
The result is that Grieve will face a no-confidence motion at his annual Tory association meeting on March 29. If the vote goes against him, it could lead to his eventual deselection.

Mr. Pierce in his article points up a delicious irony:

The meeting will take place at the Bull Inn, Gerrards Cross, which first opened in 1688, the same year as the Glorious Revolution which saw the overthrow of James II as King.

Oh, simply too, too delicious,  don'cha just lurve irony!

 

The fascination of spies

Yes, I know, I went on 'the missing list' again yesterday.  No excuses, I was just a bit 'knacked' and also, to be honest, I really did not have anything to say.  Happily, today being Saturday means that I have enjoyed what I call my 'reading morning' in which I tootle round to the newsagent and buy The Mail and The Telegraph, plus my neighbour brings round the 'Arts' section of The Times, and I settle into my armchair with a cup of coffee and only an absolute minimum of chocolate biscuits - honestly!  A few hours later, I am totally 'knacked' again but at least I am armed with some fresh ammo to fire at you lot - hang on, where are you going  . . ?  

As you may have gathered, following my enthusiastic review of "The Spy and the Traitor" by Ben McIntyre, I am endlessly fascinated by spies.  Yet another biography of a major spy has been reviewed across the papers, this time, the brilliant but ultimately tragic story of Richard Sorge.  He was the half German/half Russian who swallowed communism whole as a young man and who went on to be recruited by the Russian intelligence service when he he was living in Tokyo during the '30s.  He duped the German embassy into believing that he could provide information for them whilst he actually passed on everything he picked up from the Germans straight to Moscow.  He also ran an espionage operation inside the Japanese government.

There are some delicious ironies in this tale.  Sorge constantly warned Moscow that Hitler intended to attack Russia and offered up good evidence to support it.  Stalin simply refused to believe it - until the panzers crossed the border!  However, Sorge was believed when he told Moscow that the Japanese had no intention of attacking Russia and thus Stalin was able to shift armies from East to West to help defend 'Mother Russia'.  In the end, Sorge was found out by the Japs and, on November 7th 1943, the 26th anniversary of the Bolshevik revolution, they hung him!

A brilliant operator but doomed! 

 

What's the German for 'Let's drop a really 'yuuuuuge' bollock'?

Alas, I cannot answer that question because my knowledge of German is microscopic, limited to 'jahwohl', 'nein', 'Papiere!' and 'fur you zee var iss over'.  However, I do 'know' a man who could provide an answer.  He is Herr Herbert Diess who is the Führer, ooops, sorry, the boss of Volkswagon - you know, the car company started by Herr Hitler.  Alas, Herr Diess seems blessed with a German sense of humour, so in a speech to his fellow executives he attempted some, er, jocularity by using the phrase "EBIT macht frei"!  "EBIT" is an acronym in German standing for 'Earnings Before Interest and Tax'.  Not sure if anyone laughed but it looks as though several tons of Scheisse have fallen on his head.

What can one say, except 'Ohdearwhatapitynevermind'!  Wonder if he'll do the jokes at the Christmas party?

 

 

A gift for my 'Yankee-doodle' pals, even if it is stolen property!

I am, as y'all do know, a regular visitor to the American Thinker site, not just because many of the pieces contained there-in are interesting but also because their daily cartoon nearly always provides a chuckle and sometimes sends me crashing to the floor helpless with laughter.  Those are the ones, of course, which trigger my inherent kleptomania and result in me 'nicking' them and publishing them here.  Still 'n' all, your Honour, I always ensure that the name of the cartoonist is well to the fore:

Andrew Thomas blogs at Dark Angel Politics

 

 

 

They're just a bunch of 'cupcakes'!

I refer, of course, to all those MPs who yesterday told the majority of the British electorate to take their Brexit hopes and aspirations and 'stick 'em where the sun don't shine'!  Consequently, I am deeply grateful to Ms. Debra Messing - no, me neither, but I gather that she is some sort of an actress and also a 'yuuuuuugely' militant feminist - who has produced some cupcakes in the likeness of vulvas!   Yeeeeeeees, quite, er, scrumptious, don'cha think?!

 

 

Don't ask me why but the instant I read the article and saw the photo I thought of the Right (dis)Honourable Dominic Grieve MP, our resident token Frenchman (he's half-French) who, henceforth and forever, will be known as 'Cupcake' Grieve.

Thank you, Debra, darling, you're totally bonkers but I luuurve you!

 

 

 

It's over!

Some times, and in my case, quite often, it is necessary to acknowledge that 'pro' writers often say it so much better than us 'ams'.  In addition, of course, they often say it so much more succinctly than us 'blowhards'.  Mr. Rod Liddle at The Coffee House provides the perfect example in a piece headed "Brexit is now dead":

And that, my lovely friends, is it for Brexit. You kippers and ERGers who think we’ll leave with no deal, are deluded. They will not let it happen. They were never going to let it happen.

Brexit has been killed by a Parliament which by a two-to-one majority never wanted it, despite what lip service they paid to respecting the will of the people. The liberal elite has won. I suspect it will be its last victory before it is expunged. 

My main feeling last night was one of shame, not for my country which had the guts to vote 'LEAVE', but for the miserable, deceitful wretches in Parliament who voted by an enormous majority to give "us the people" the decision on whether or not to remain in the EU, and who then strove by every means possible to thwart our decision.  Thanks to their duplicitous efforts we are now to be bound and gagged and offered up to the 'High Priests' in Brussels for due punishment - and believe me, they will show no mercy for our act of 'betrayal'!

It guts me to say this but if I were a younger man, I would be making arrangements to get out of this country and seek freedom and independence in Australia or New Zealand.  Instead, as I approach my 80th birthday, I will comfort myself with the realisation that at least I will not have put up with the encroaching diktat of sundry foreigners for too long. 

The 'Remainers' have won the day, let them enjoy the long night to come!

 

 

Mrs. May is a born again lying liar!

My title is harsh but true.  She came back from her utterly useless trip to Brussels proclaiming that there was now a legal way out of the Irish bog in which Britain is trapped.  The next day her very own Attorney-General, Geoffrey Cox, flatly contradicted her!  The only question worth asking now is whether or not you would buy a second-hand car from this wretched woman?  She has lied, and lied and lied again over the preceding three years and it is time to clean the stables.  She must go, in fact, her entire party must go along with all the other detritus that swills about in the House of Commons.  Let them all come face to face with the electorate and let the people decide who shall be sent back.  Enough is enough!

 

 

Two rave reviews and a raspberry!

To be honest, I have already given you a rave review of Mr. Lou Berney's excellent yarn "November Road" which I finished yesterday prior to immediately buying another one called "Gutshot Straight".  He is a terrific story-teller and invents characters who are, with their mix of vices and virtues, very believable.  Also - natch! - being thrillers the body count is suitably high!

My second rave review is for the series which opened last night on ITV called "Cheat".  This features two ladies, one a university lecturer and the other her student.  Normally, I would avoid like the plague anything with two leading ladies  but given the utterly dismal offerings on TV last night, I gave it a try.  Absolutely terrific and even terrifying!

My raspberry is aimed at the latest episode of 'Midsomer Murders' which has now sunk to the very bottom of ludicrous plausibility.  I have never enjoyed this make-believe world of rural Britain but the 'Memsahib' loves it and so long as she keeps the sound down so that I can read then I let her watch it.  However, even she gave up on the latest fairy tale!

 

 

The two great democracies skid closer and closer to the edge

Most of my readers are British and therefor require no further warnings from me concerning the enormous dangers to our hard fought and even harder won democracy.  However depressing that is, our sorrows are multiplied by the growing dangers to American democracy.  'Over here', we think - we hope? -  that Corbyn and his ultra-Marxist cabal will never gain control of Parliament.  'Over there', the extreme Leftists have already seized control of one of the two legislative chambers, the House of Representatives, and already they are busy nailing new rules onto the political agenda.  Happily, (I hope!) a combination of the Republican Senate and the Supreme Court will hold the worst of these plots in abeyance until 2020 when the voters will have a chance - a last chance? - to reset the situation.

Mr. David Catron at The American Spectator sets the scene:

It goes without saying that H.R.1 is a classic Democrat power grab that attempts to usurp the authority of the states to regulate the voter registration process. It would vitiate the accuracy of registration rolls by automatically registering anyone who acquires a driver’s license, prevent election officials from verifying voter eligibility, and render state voter ID laws null and void. H.R.1 also takes the power to draw congressional districts away from the states, and requires inclusion of illegal aliens in all redistricting plans. Moreover, it violates the 1st Amendment so brazenly that even the American Civil Liberties Union bestirred itself:

Happily, he is suffused with typical American optimism and remains confident that in 2020 the American 'peeps' will have seen exactly what the new intake of Dem politicians are up to and will put them to the sword, er, metaphorically speaking! 

In 2020 the GOP will target 50 to 60 seats held by Democrats in purple districts they narrowly won during the last two cycles. Most of those seats will flip after AOC and her fellow travelers drag the party to the far left. The voters will associate the Democrats with anti-Semitism, socialism, and illegal immigration, and they will lose the House majority again.

I do hope that he is right because if he is wrong, then we will be forced to wait for John Wayne to strap on his six-shooter and step out into the dusty street!

 

 

 

"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war"

Your 'Monday Funnies' are below but the best joke of all will be in Parliament this week even if it is likely to be in the worst possible taste!  Finally, Mrs. May will be stripped of her last shreds of political camouflage and she will be left shivering on her own.  I feel no pity for her because she never displayed the slightest courage or conviction, she merely wriggled and ducked and dived in order to keep her position as Prime Minister.  She is a disgrace!

As too, of course, are the majority of our MPs who have lived down to the slimy worst of their reputations.  Three years ago they voted by an enormous majority to give us, the voters, the final verdict on whether to stay in or out of the EU.  We voted 'OUT' by a clear majority.  They have defied the will of the people and the repercussions will be enormous and dangerous and for the moment unknowable.  What a catastrophe to be 'led' by such useless, treacherous and unprincipled liars and rogues!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 11.3.19

Monday morning, the sun is shining in a brilliantly blue sky - and it's bloody freezing cold!  God's joke, I suppose!

 

SHOPPING AT TIFFANY'S:

A LOVELY LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT. AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS. VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPSY AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S. HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, "GOOD DAY, MADAM... HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY?"

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??"

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT YOURSELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE !

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Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his rear end.

'If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse.'

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man with a white beard came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, "No shit?"

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Next, some fishing 'funnies' for my pal, 'Whiters':

Game Warden: “Fishing?”
Man without a license: “No. Drowning worms.”

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

If they are dumb enough to eat off a hook, how can fish be considered “brain food?”

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A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful."

Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful," it was now “cute."

She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?"

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!"

 

That's it, thank God, it's freezing up here in my attic!

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 10.3.19

'Jeremy Sanders' or 'Bernie Corbyn' - you choose!   An interesting article by Matthew Continetti at The National Review which is summarised by its title: "The Collapse of the Center-Left" (sorry, American spelling!).  In it he summarises the lurch to the extreme Left that has shifted the ground under the feet of moderate Democratic party leaders.  For once we, or to be precise, the British Labour party, beat them to it by, in a fit of utter madness, electing 'Jezza' as leader.  Happily, there is an irrefutable test by which these zealots and their poisonous beliefs may be exposed - anti-Semitism.  Not only do they not bother even to attempt to hide it, they positively ram it down your throat!  The Germans of the 1930s had some slight excuses for voting for Hitler but today's Brits and Americans have none.

 

A vintage snort-snigger moment:   The militant feminists appear to have their tits caught in their jockstraps!  The 'Trannies', that is, the ones with balls, have snuck up on them and inveigled their way into athletics.  Thus, the real ladies are doomed forever to finishing second.  I would pay good money to see Ms. Serena Williams walk on to the centre court at Wimbledon to face a 'lady' who makes her look skinny!

 

The problem for the Jews is that they are too damned intelligent!   And, 'as any fule do no', nobody likes a smart arse!  From their earliest history following the diaspora, they were smart enough to move into the money-lending trade, there being no banks around at the time.  Alas, nobody loves their bank manager from any era and thus the Jews drew down on themselves the ire of the suckers who are always and forever in the majority.  I hasten to add that, of course, not all Jews are particularly bright, it's just that on average they are brighter than most of us 'schmucks'!

 

You can never escape boring economics!   As puffed-up China and its power-mad leader, 'Xi-ping-a-ling', are beginning to find out the hard way.  All that boring-snoring stuff about debt and borrowing and money supply which, if you think yourself above it all, soon snares you.  God help the Chinese leadership if the Chinese people suddenly feel the loss of their new-found prosperity!

 

 

 

No more rumbles

 

 

 

A thriller that made me think

Y'all know that despite me spicing up my posts with references to some seriously heavy book that I am reading, the fact is that I cannot resist a good thriller!  The other day, I bought one on Kindle and it has thrilled but also it has made me think, too!  The book is "November Road" by Lou Berney and it does indeed thrill with both menace and some serious killing!  However, it is set back in 1963 and the plot line snakes around the Kennedy assassination.  My goodness, I can still remember vividly exactly where I was when I heard the news - in a pub, of course!

Anyway, it has made me ask myself if the real 'perp' was ever discovered.  I know that America instigated several detailed investigations including an enquiry that seemed to go on for ever and ever but in this cynical age do we ever fully accept what is handed down to us?  I ought to buy a proper history of the event but, dammit, could I ever trust that any more than the Warren Commission?

 

 

My precious Saturday mornings

On Saturday morning I buy the Daily Telegraph, instead of reading it on the computer, as well as The Mail.  In addition, a neighbouring friend gives me the previous week's 'Saturday Review' from The Times and in return I give him my old copy of The Spectator.  If there are any Saturday morning duties to be done I make sure they are finished before eleven o'clock so that I can settle down with a mug of coffee - strong black and heavy on the sugar! - and all my newspapers.  Bliss!

Today I was particularly pleased with the Saturday Review which was cram-jammed with interesting articles.  For a start, they had a feature in which some comedian was asked for his likes and dislikes and his favourite painting was 'Portrait of Madame X' by John Singer Sargent. 

An excellent choice by a superb artist although personally I prefer several of his other paintings.

Next up was an article by Jonathan Bate, a Shakespearean 'brainiac' on the subject of Emilia Bassano, the mysterious 'dark lady of the sonnets', or is she?  Well, like just about everything else concerning that slippery country boy from Stratford, you just can't be sure of anything. 

I turned the page to the book reviews to find another mysterious dark lady, this time Wallis Simpson who nearly brought about the decline and fall of the British monarchy!  I confess to abysmal ignorance on this somewhat tawdry tale although over the years my ill-informed opinion that her eventual husband, Edward, the Duke of Windsor, was a total waste of space!  However, from the review of the book concerned, my opinion of Mrs. Simpson rose somewhat.

Turning the page and up popped a history of poor old - or actually 'poor young' - Henry VI, the almost forgotten boy/man of our regal history.  Eventually, of course, Edward IV did what was almost inevitable, and bumped him off before seizing the throne.  Next along came Richard III and we all know the end of that tale because that sly, Stratford fella' wrote a superb play telling us, more or less, what happened!

Next up was a review of a book on the subject of Ben Hecht, the famous Hollywood writer who was, I gather, "a very naughty boy" but if you live in Hollywood and you're a famous writer, what else would you be?!  Mind you, he wrote the script for "Gone with the Wind", so I forgive him - everything!

Anyway, all in all, a most satisfactory Saturday morning!

 

 

Well, he's bold and brave!

Certainly bolder and braver than me but that's not too difficult.  I refer to Mr. David Catron at The American Spectator who, without hesitation, claims that 'The Donald' will absolutely and definitely win the next presidential election!  I suspect that he may but being an A1 'wuss' I would not stake the deeds of the house on it!  Mr. Catron's belief is based on his opinion that the 'GAP' - the Great American Public - are, on the whole, better off financially after 'Trump-rule'  and he quotes a Gallup poll in support:

Americans’ optimism about their personal finances has climbed to levels not seen in more than 16 years, with 69% now saying they expect to be financially better off “at this time next year”… only two percentage points below the all-time high of 71%, recorded in March 1998 at a time when the nation’s economic boom was producing strong economic growth combined with the lowest inflation and unemployment rates in decades.

Well, I try never to put too much faith in polls, particularly polls attempting to forecast an economic future.  However, I agree that 'The Donald' has some major factors in his favour, particularly his opponents, the Democratic party.  They are a laughable shambles with a 'yuuuuuuuuuge', and growing daily, collection of kooks and nuts and lying liars vying vigorously to obtain the nomination.  They might only be "vying" now but as we get closer to the crunch day, the 'vying' will become vitriolic!  By and large, I reckon, voters do not like political parties that allow healthy competition between candidates to degenerate into vile and slanderous abuse of each other!

Of course, one must allow for the liklehood - the dead certainty? - that 'The Donald' will drop more than a few clangers on his way to the election but somehow, I can't help thinking that people have become used to him and in fact, rather enjoy his eccentricity.  Equally, I also suspect that they will recoil from many of the shouty-sweary Democratic nuts who will spend most of their time tearing shreds off each other!

'We shall see what we shall see'!

 

 

'Titania McGrath' is a 'trannie'!

Down below I mentioned the delightful Ms. 'Titania McGrath' who has made a superb effort to out-simple the late, great 'Peter Simple', satirist supreme.  Today, courtesy of Ms. Sarah Vine at The Mail, I can reveal that the lady is a man!  Why am I not surprised?

   

         Mr. Andrew Doyle                                       Miss Titania McGrath

The indominatable Sarah Vine explains it all:

"For the uninitiated, Titania Gethsemane McGrath is a radical vegan, woke poet committed to feminism, social justice and armed, peaceful protest. She works to expose racism, bigotry and misogyny. As she herself confesses: ‘I was born woke. My wokeness is innate. It flows through me like a magical elixir, keeping my soul perched and poised for the fight.’"

Courtesy of Ms. Vine's article, here are a few of 'Titania's' memorable sayings:

‘I was the only child of two barristers. I learnt only that my private education and frequent family holidays to Montenegro and the Maldives were merely a ruse by which my parents could distract me from my oppression.’

‘People are far too sentimental about the elderly,’ she writes. ‘I am no longer helping them cross the street. They opted for Brexit, so as far as I’m concerned they can take their chances with the traffic. Remember too that these are the people who fought in the second World War. How can shooting at Germans be anything other than xenophobic?’

‘If you don’t think exactly the same way as me, then you’ve clearly got a lot to learn about diversity.’

Needless to say, comments like those delivered via social media instantly attracted millions of supporters, mostly those barely out of their nappies.  

The 'perp' is Mr. Andrew Doyle, a 40-year old former private school teacher with a doctorate in early Renaissance poetry from Wadham College, Oxford and how I wish I had had a teacher like him!  Thanks to him I can announce that English wit is alive and well.

 

This would stop the 'stabbers'

Or at least, it would stop 95% of them!  And it would save considerable amounts of my, and your, money!  So, who today amongst our feeble leaders, who are always so quick to express sorrow to the parents of butchered children, will speak up and suggest that the death penalty be re-introduced?  Please, please don't hold you breath waiting !

My guess is that after the first three killers take the 'short drop', the stabbing rate will fall by 50%.  After the next three fall through the trap-door to eternity, the rate will be down by about 95%!  Will there be police and/or judicial errors?  Yes, because that is the nature of things.  However, given that carrying a knife is an admission of evil intent, I doubt that there will be too many mistakes made, and even if there are, then an enormous number of totally innocent people will be saved.

Bring back the rope!

 

 

Heavens to Betsy, the Dems are as dim as the Corbynistas

The dim Dems 'over there' just cannot resist taking using a six-shooter to take pot shots at their own feet!  Thus, they have just announced that at the next Presidential election they will not allow Fox News to host one of the Presidential debates.  Mr. Thomas Lifson at The American Thinker is quick to point out the six wounds they will inflict on themselves.

One, they will stand accused and guilty of lacking the courage to let their candidate face tough questions.

Two, the voters, excluding committed Dems, of course, will instantly recognise that virtually all other media apart from Fox is soft, if not soppy, on Leftwing politics.

Three, they will also recognise that these 'debates' are simply a 'safe space' for the Dem candidate to relax in.

Four, Tom Perez, chairman of the Dem National Committee, has thus confirmed what many Americans have long suspected that the majority of the media are the perpetrators of 'fake news'.

Five, most Americans do not trust the media so aligning them with the Dems hardly adds 'lustre to their cluster'!

Six, such a stand plays into Trump's hands because he can insist that Fox News be admitted or he will boycott the entire farrago. However, if the Dems cave then the GAP, the Great American Public, will only pay attention to the Fox news debate because that is the only one which will be worth watching.

Is there anyone dimmer than a Dem?

 

 

The Tories are being stabbed to death by knife crime

In the unlikely event that you are reading this in the hope that the 'zuper brain of Zummerzet' has an answer to the bloodbath occurring on our streets - faggattaboutit!  I haven't a clue as to the best strategy to deploy, however, I have severe doubts concerning the panic re-actions of our less than glorious leaders!  For example, I suspect that pouring even more money into police (so-called) services will not achieve much except possibly to allow them to build even grander police HQs here, there and everywhere to accommodate police chiefs who are, on the whole, as thick as planks!  One only has to remember the fiascos over recent years in which 'zillions' of pounds and 'zillions' of police hours were totally wasted pursuing old 'kiddie-fiddling' stories which turned out to be rubbish!  I suspect that most police chiefs would have difficulty directing traffic on a one-way street!

I would rather see a (sort of) return to the old system when non-policemen were made Chief Constables.  Back in the day, they used to be retired generals and suchlike but perhaps today we could make use of successful retired businessmen who have some experience of running big organisations.  For a start they could take a long, hard look at the exactly how and when our police constables are deployed.  I read somewhere in The Telegraph today that in one force, 95% of the constabulary is employed in daylight hours whilst after 5.00pm there are merely a handful on duty and most of them are not on the streets!

Finally, can someone please arrange for the 'Old Bill' to nick that twerp who (allegedly) runs our armed forces and who suggested that perhaps the army could be deployed on our streets in aid of the police!  Where do they find these people?

 

 

Mon Dieu, mini-Macron tells the truth!

Anyone who still harbours sympathy for the idea of, ahem, a ' United States of Europe' should pay strict attention to the pronouncement of 'le petit empereur', Emmanuel Macron.  For a start, he wants a multi-speed Europe in which the nations of Europe will be divided into "concentric circles",  At the centre, naturellement, would be those nations who use the euro and the outer circle would be those who do not, so adieu Bulgaria, Czech Republic, Denmark, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Romania, Sweden.  They will be despatched to the back of the class where they will be told to sit quietly and do as they are told!  As for the British, "Mr Macron suggests Brexit Britain could find its “true place” on a third outer ring of satellite non-EU countries with close relations to Brussels."

Of course, the question then arises as to who will lead this new, centralised Europe?  Well, that's an 'easy-peasy' question because, naturellement, according to ''le petit empereur' as reported in The Telegraph, "In his vision, some member states would be more equal than others, and France, along with Germany, would be first among equals."  I can't help wondering if he ran that past 'Mutti' Merkel before he published it across the European media?

I don't care what happens if we leave with no deal - JUST GET ME OUTTA HERE!

 

 

My 'vote' goes for good, ol' Hickenlooper!

American politics are hilarious!  We already have a truly great, if not 'yuuuuuuuge', eccentric as President but now, courtesy of the Democratic party we have a veritable gallery of nuts, nerds, loopy-loos and dingbats as well as the usual 'heap-big' lying liars - yes, you know who I mean! - vying for the top job.  However, the queue is lengthening!  Today we have the ex-Governor of Colorado, 'Hizzonner' Mr. John Hickenlooper!  With a name like that he must be a favourite!  Can you imagine the giggles that will arise in the assemblies of the world when they announce the arrival of 'President Hickenlooper'?  Even 'Her Maj' might have difficulty keeping a straight face on introduction - and dear old Phil wouldn't even try!  The late, great W. C. Fields would have loved it.

 

The rotten boroughs are back

This so-called 'conservative' government falls even further into the slough of despicable and corrupt politics.  The colossal betrayal of the 52% of the electorate who voted 'LEAVE' is going on before our eyes and the final dagger thrust will occur in the next few days.  In the meantime, the despicable Mrs. May, the consiglieri of the Tory mob, has now decided to dish out bribes to sundry towns and districts, currently represented by Labour MPs, allegedly because they have 'fallen behind' in various aspects of social and business life.  Needless to say, like crooks and conmen everywhere, she uses our money to pay the bribes, worth a billion quid, in the hope that the Labour MPs concerned will support her over the Brexit stitch-up.

Pass the sick-bag!

 

 

Your Monday Funnies: 4.3.19

To cheer you all up whilst the weather decides between a heatwave or a rainstorm!

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.  So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style.

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

There, that started your week with, er, well, something . . .

 

 

The Sunday Rumble: 3.3.19

How long, oh Lord, how long?   I defy anyone to claim that they guessed, back in the day, that the Brexit imbroglio would descend into the utter and complete shambles that it has.  There are many contributing factors but the main one stands clear - Mrs. May.  As an example of a total lack of leadership qualities, she stands supreme and will deserve that place in our history books.

 

Have a care, Mr. MacCulloch!  You are beginning, nay, you have begun, to irritate me!  I bought your 'yuuuuuuuuuge' biography of Thomas Cromwell who was, from my very slight knowledge, a fascinating 'ducker and diver of the first order' but in the first few chapters of your book all I read is an endless list of the scores, nay, hundreds, of individuals and organisations  with whom he was connected in one way or another.  Please, just get back to the man himself before I really lose my temper - given the price I paid for the book!

 

Oh no, Mr. Dershowitz, say it ain't so!   As regular readers will know, I am a great admirer of Mr. Alan Dershowitz, the American lawyer and political commentator.  Now there are 'tales' (I use the word deliberately) linking him to some multi-zillionaire, American businessman who is accused of organising sex parties - where was my invite? - and that one of the girls was offered to Mr. Dershowitz.  Actually, Dershowitz defended the businessman in court and it was the opposition lawyers who made the accusation.  Dershowitz was able to produce travel document evidence that proved the accusation wrong.  I would never have believed it anyway because Dershowitz is just too damned intelligent!

 

The Trump-Kim waltz:   Various commentators, pro and con, have had their say on Trump's North Korean diplomacy.  Needless to say, most of it is concerned with Trump because, of course, they haven't a clue what is going on in Pyongyang - is it Kim who rules or all those ridiculous Generals with their 'yuuuuuge' hats and acres of decorations?  There was a time when the North Korean antics were becoming exceedingly dangerous and so Trump was right to seek meetings and try and 'sus out' what was going on.  Whether he knows any more now than he did before, no-one can know, as so often, we must wait for the history books to be written!

 

The next India/Pakistan Test March should be fun!    So was that the beginning of war a few days ago or just an Indo-Paki hissy fit?  I very much hope it was the latter because 'the real thing' could be exceedingly messy given that both nations have nuclear capabilities!   Again, rather like North Korea, there are military chiefs in the background whose influence is probably far in excess of their strategic abilities!

 

In which I receive excellent good news:   Yes, indeed, the 'Memsahib' has just informed me that she is about to make a blackberry and apple crumble for supper - and, NO, you can't have any!

 

Better watch out, Donald, 'the Bern' is coming!   I keep reading reports that the American version of 'Jezza', that is Bernie Sanders, is pulling in zillions and zillions of dollars well ahead of his fight for the Democrat nomination.  Remarkably, somewhat like 'Jezza', despite being an old coot the juveniles 'jes' lurve him!'  I suppose he reminds them of their favourite, old 'Gramps'.  Maybe I should run for Parliament - oh alright then, not exactly "run" but shuffle!

 

'Fauxcahontas' scalps herself:   Well, Sen. Warren has gone from lying about her Cherokee ancestry which helped her grab a job at Harvard, to defending her claim for years, to taking a gene test which she failed, to, finally, owning up and, at last, apologising for her trickery.  Good job none of us held our breath waiting!

 

No more rumbles 

 

 

Bloody Irish and their 'bloody Sunday'

So, 47 years - I repeat - 47 years after the event, prosecutors in Northern Ireland are about to bring charges against sundry Paras who shot dead 14 demonstrators/rioters in Londonderry.  Of course, there should have been an immediate and detailed investigation into the incident at the time, preferably by a UK police service, not the military police and/or the Ulster Constabulary, and the government of the time, 'led' by the mostly useless Edward Heath, should have driven it through with real energy.  Not, I hasten to say, in order to persecute the soldiers but to determine the truth of the matter.  If, at that time, the Paras were found guilty with no evidence to provide extenuating circumstances (such as the presence at the scene of armed IRA terrorists) they should have been prosecuted and punished.

However, in our usual wet and disorganised British way (see Brexit!), the entire matter was bodged and fudged as everyone ducked and dived and sought to kick it well into the long grass.  So now we have the situation in which IRA killers were given a pass by Tony Blair and will never answer for their crimes whilst old-age, pensioner soldiers are about to be charged with murder.  If the killings are proven to have been a national disgrace, then this piece of legal vindictiveness, no doubt pushed through by Nationalist supporters now serving in the Northern Ireland Prosecution Service, is an equal judicial disgrace.

Finally, I will repeat what I have said before, that using Paras for controlling civil demonstrations was not a sensible plan.  Paras are chosen, following an exceedingly tough and testing course which most volunteers fail, on the basis of two essentials - stamina and aggression.  They are definitely not the best troops for dealing with civil unrest!

 

 

Hoorah - 'Peter Simple' has returned!

For the benefit of my confused youthful readers and my foreign readers, I should explain that 'Peter Simple' was the name of a column that used to appear regularly in The Daily Telegraph, the invention of the late, great Michael Wharton.  The aim of the exercise was mainly to ridicule the Left-wing and the pretentious with a cast of characters including, Julian Birdbath — perennially unsuccessful writer, Trevor Dimwiddie — "underwater motorcycling ace", Neville Dreadberg — avant-garde artist, Mrs Dutt-Pauker — immensely rich and privileged Hampstead socialist, admirer of Stalin and rumoured lover of the East German communist leader Walter Ulbricht, Dr Heinz Kiosk — a psychoanalyst and rentaquote pundit, Lieutenant General Sir Frederick "Tiger" Nidgett — retired commanding officer of the Royal Army Tailoring Corps, Dr Abdul Ngong Castrumba — "freelance, all-purpose revolutionary leader" and so on and on and on!  Oh God, how I miss those columns and their characters!

Anyway, all is not lost because we now have a glorious invention in the form of Ms. 'Titania McGrath', 24, who has come to the notice of Tanya Gold at The Coffee House and who reports that, "Titania is a radical intersectionalist vegan activist, feminist slam poet and the author of Woke: a Guide to Social Justice."  Yeeeeees, quite!  Anyway, she wrote her book, "Woke", because:

“I was permanently banned from Twitter for a whole day. This gave me time to reflect on my subjugation as a woman in a patriarchal world and write a book about my oppression. The entire document is a masterpiece unparalleled in the history of the written word”.

She is confident of good reviews, but she will not allow men to review Woke: “Any male who attempts to review my book will be committing a form of sexual assault”. (I hope the literary editor is reading this). She thinks men are the cause of all misery, and should wear blinkers, like horses: “They’re gruff. They’re bad-tempered. They have base sexual instincts. And they sleep standing up”.

Oh, happy days, 'Peter Simple', your spirit lives on.  Alas, from what I can gather Ms. 'Titania McGrath' mostly communicates via Twitter which is a communications system about which I know nothing!  Even so, I hope her word spreads, dammit, we need the laughs!

 

 

The Trump-et concerto is nearly over

He might not have produced much in the way of great advances for America but at least 'The Donald' provided considerable humour for the proles!  Unfortunately, I fear the curtain is coming down on his act in 2020, to be replaced by a regime which will be grimly unhumorous.  It's not that everything he did was wrong, he managed to get Gorsuch and Kavanaugh onto the Supreme Court which might, just might, be the saving of America when the (un)Democrats take over, it's just that most of it was wrong, or wrongly handled.  Actually, he was never the stuff of proper Presidential material, although to be fair, very few of them are, but his main 'virtue' in the last election was being 'not-Hillary'!  

So it is necessary to keep a weather eye open on the (un)Democratic party who are likely to dominate American politics for some time.  One only needs a quick glance at the parade of clowns vying for the Democrat nomination to groan inwardly and fear for the future.  As Michael Filozof points out at The American Thinker, they are the party of:

[…] late-term abortion if not infanticide; the party of using the national security state apparatus to spy on political opponents and attempt to overturn elections; the party of violating attorney-client privilege to get an opponent; the party of radical gays and transgenderism; the party of radical gun control and Australian-style forcible gun confiscation; the party of anti-white racial demagoguery and "reparations" for slavery; the party of hate crime hoaxes; the party of open borders, unlimited immigration, and abolishing Immigration and Customs Enforcement; the party of seventy- to ninety-percent income taxes on the rich; the party of socialized medicine and making private insurance illegal; the party of outlawing all fossil fuels (and eliminating airline travel) within ten years, and the party of telling people not to have children to "save the planet." [See the original for references and links]

Such fun - not!

 

So farewell then, 'Mr. Preview'!

Alas, another truly great musician has reached his 'final movement'.  I refer, of course, to the late André Previn who has just died.  He will remain a favourite of the GBP (the Great British Public) for his courage, and sense of fun, in agreeing to a guest appearance on the Morecambe and Wise Show.  The sketch, in which he conducted the orchestra whilst Eric  Morecambe 'played' Edvard Grieg's piano concerto must rank as one of the favourite comedy acts on British TV.  If you turn to this report in The Telegraph they have a film of the occasion which you can watch.

For me, personally, he was an influence in guiding me towards theatre, in my case, amateur theatre.  I can't remember when but under the influence of the late and very great Bernard Levin I decided to go and see a play that had just opened in London called 'EGBDF' or 'Every Good Boy Deserves Favour', a musical term appropriated by Tom Stoppard, then at the beginning of his dramatist career.  This play was set minimaly on a stage which was mostly occupied by part of a classical orchestra.  There were small spaces in and around the musicians in which the actors moved. 

The play opens with just two actors who are, it turns out, prisoners in a Soviet psychiatric prison.  One of them is a political prisoner, the other is nuts!  The nutty one suddenly springs to his feet and begins to conduct - in utter silence because, of course, he can only hear the music in his head.  A conversation of sorts ensues between the two prisoners and then gradually and softly the real musicians begin to play.  As you will have guessed, the music, reminiscent of Shostakovich, was composed by André Previn.

I was stunned, captivated, entranced and deeply moved by the experience.  Previn and Stoppard, between them, sent me on my theatrical journey for which I will forever be in their debt.

 

 

A tribute to Charles Krauthammer - and Australia

I mentioned the other day that I had purchased a book entitled "The Point of it All" which is a tribute to the late, great Charles Krauthammer made up of many of his mostly 'WaPo' columns and compiled by his son.  I have started to read it and already I am captivated (again!) by his wit and intelligence and clarity of thought.  The last essay I read is entitled "Why I love Australia" which took me somewhat by surprise.  I have decided to copy part of it out here as my tribute both to him and to Australia.

In the Australian House of Representatives last month, opposition member Julia Gillard interrupted a speech by the minister of health thusly: "I move that that snivelling grub over there be not further heard."

For that, the good woman was ordered removed from the House, if only for a day.  She might have escaped that little time-out if she had responded to the speaker's demand for an apology with something other than "If I have offended grubs, I withdraw unconditionally."

God, I love Australia.  Where else do you have a shadow health minister with such, er, starch?  Of course I'm prejudiced, having married an Australian, but how not to like a country, in this age of snivelling grubs worldwide, whose treasurer suggests to any person who "wants to live under sharia law" to try Saudi Arabia and Iran, "but not Australia."  He was elaborating on an earlier suggestion that "people who … don't want to live by Australian values and understand them, well they can basically clear off."  Contrast this with Canada, historically and culturally Australia's commonwealth twin, where last year Ontario actually gave serious consideration to allowing its Muslims to live under sharia.

Such things do not happen in Australia.  This is a place where, when the remains of a fallen soldier are accidentally switched with those of a Bosnian, the enraged widow picks up the phone late at night, calls the prime minister at home in bed and delivers a furious , unedited rant - which he publicly and graciously accepts as fully deserved.  Where Americans today sue, Australians slash and skewer.

And so on . . . and I urge you to buy the book.  Dammit, I miss that man!

 

 

 

Whatever you do, America, hang on to that filibuster!

Yet again I am in debt to that exceedingly shrewd commentator, David French, at The National Review who, well ahead of the game, warns of the increasing political pressure, from either side, to banish the filibuster.  The notion of a filibuster, in which one side gears up to engage in non-stop speechifying in order to talk out a proposal with which they passionately disagree, is more of an American practice than a British one.  It requires a wide and deep and passionate belief to organise and to carry it out, consequently it only arises rarely.

However, Mr. French reminds us that these are passionate and divided times and should the Democrats succeed in winning both the Presidency and the Senate then given their vaunting ambition they might well be tempted to do away with the irritating filibuster procedure in order to ram through gun-control laws, ultra-green lunacy and all sorts of other game-changers against which they have railed for years.  Similarly, of course, should the Trump Republicans sweep the board as Americans recoil from Democrat loony-socialism, then they might find a filibuster-free environment exceedingly tempting.

Mr. French summarises it thus:

The filibuster helps lower the true stakes of American elections. It’s one of the last measures left in American politics that limits the centralization of power. And it helps ensure that significant reform carries with it significant public support. It’s a check on the very forces that could tear our nation apart. It must be preserved.

I couldn't have put it better myself which, of course, y'all knew already!

 

 

47 Democrat Senators qualify for jobs at Auschwitz

The proposal was simple and clear, any baby who survived an abortion procedure and was born alive should be entitled to immediate remedial treatment in a normal hospital by normal doctors.  In a Senate vote, 47 Democrat Senators voted against it.

Need one say more, except possibly, pass the sick bag!

https://spectator.org/infanticide-makes-a-comeback/

 

 

 

A massive Aussie injustice, or not?

I never thought to see the day when I would go out to defend a Roman Catholic Cardinal!  Well, actually, I am not exactly defending Cardinal Spell, the Australian priest who has just been convicted of 'kiddie-fiddling' by an Australian court.  On hearing the news, and against a background of countless accusations against the RC church hierarchy, I shrugged and thought, oh well, another one bites the dust!

But today, I read an article at The National Review by George Weigel (and no, me neither but he has the honesty to admit being a close friend of the Cardinal) which raises some enormous questions over the Australian justice system.  I will not attempt to summarise the article, sufficient to point out that under the first trial there was a prohibition on all media commentary - eh? What? Why?  This trial failed to convict because of a hung jury, which voted 10–2 for acquittal.

So the State opted for a second trial which was open to full media commentary.  This resulted in a jury vote of 12-0 for conviction.

 . . . the second trial jury returned a verdict of 12–0 for conviction. Observers at the trial told me that the trial judge seemed surprised on hearing the verdict. The verdict and the finding of the first, hung jury suggest that, in the media circus surrounding Pell, a fair jury trial was virtually impossible. That point was recently conceded by the attorney general of the State of Victoria, who suggested that the law might be amended to permit bench trials by a judge alone in such cases — an option not afforded George Pell.

Needless to say, I have absolutely no idea of whether the Cardinal was guilty or not guilty but based on Mr. Weigel's article I suspect 'there is something rotten in the state of Victoria'!

 

 

Regarding the late Karl Lagerfeld

Karl who? I hear some of you blokes asking!  Well, I mean this peculiar bloke who just fell off the tree of life:

I have a sneaky liking for genuine eccentrics although I suspect that his eccentricity was mainly a mixture of egotism and publicity.  Well, fair enough, I suppose, if you earn your money in the dopey-daft world of women's fashion.  Anyway, I resisted the urge to slag him off and thought it best to leave him in peace.

But then up pops Julie Birchill at The Coffee House and, in effect, urges me to put the boot in.  As she freely admits, she is no mean - and I do mean 'mean' - attack dog - or should that be 'attack bitch' - herself:

I’ve had a bunch of feuds – Tony Parsons (‘Looks like a dying rhesus monkey’), Martin Amis (‘A little man in every way it is possible for a man to be little’), and Camille Paglia (‘F*** off you crazy old dyke!’) The last one was admittedly a low blow, but I like to think I was cut down to size by afterwards becoming – however briefly – a crazy old dyke myself. And you must admit that what they lack in levity they certainly make up for in brevity.

Even so, she declines to open "a feud with a fresh corpse".  See, Julie's a real sweetie at heart!  Instead, she hands the double-barrelled shotgun to Ms. Jameela Jamil - and no, me neither!  Anyway, Ms. Jamil does not hesitate to pull both triggers:

No sooner was Karl stuffed into his casket and the tributes of the anorexic jet-set gushing in than she tweeted that the latest celebrity stiff was in fact ‘a racist, misogynistic, fat-phobic rape apologist who shouldn’t be posted all over the internet as a saint gone-too-soon.’

Er, yes, well, if you say so, m' dear!

 

 

Theresa May approaches her Neville Chamberlain moment

I have, by and large, avoided any severe attacks on the lady who is, quite obviously, out of her depth.  Most of her adult life has been lived within the cloak of the EU and it came as a great shock to her find out that most British people realised years ago that the cloak was, in fact, a straight jacket!  Consequently, she has had absolutely no idea how to set about releasing her country from captivity.  

All the spurious arguments about 'a deal' versus 'a no deal' are now shown up to be a complete waste of time and effort because, as this blog has constantly stated, there never was going to be a deal of any sort because the EU did not, do not and will not offer one!  This was always the blindingly obvious strategy of the Brussels 'Godfathers' and nobody, least of all our Prime Minister, should have been surprised by it.  Alas, she is so very obviously dim and dumb that the oily rascals (I use the word 'oily' deliberately!) who surround her have had no difficulty in steering her round in circles.

So now the crunch moment looms large.  The political class, or at least a large segment of it, are going to 'rat us out' of what we voted for in the referendum.  The repercussions when the 52% British voters who voted 'Leave' realise they have been made fools of will be deep and powerful and where they will end us up is unknowable except, of course, that it will be a travesty of what we thought was democracy.  That is entirely proper in the circs because, of course, the EU itself is a travesty of democracy. 

I thank God, given my age, that I will not live very long through what is coming!

 

 

Oh no, not another book!

"Good grief, Charlie Brown", only the other day I was bemoaning the fact that I was "booked out" with nothing to read and no idea what to buy.  Then, as an 'apperitif', I treated myself to a thriller by that master, Linwood Barclay, who sets his tales in the most 'boring-snoring' of American suburbs - and then frightens the pants off you!  On top of that, I treated myself to a mammoth history book on the life of Thomas Cromwell, so problem solved, I thought to myself.

But then, dammit, The National Review tipped me off on a post mortem book by the late, and very great, Charles Krauthammer.  

It is a compilation of his writings put together by his son.  I cannot tell you how much I miss that man, nearly as much as the superb Bernard Levin.  Happily, I suspect that it will not be a book that needs to be read from cover to cover but one to be dipped into as the mood takes.  In this mad, mad, mad, mad world, what a relief!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Point-All-Lifetime-Great-Endeavors-ebook/dp/B07GD5XDM4

 

 

The perfect symbol for the European (dis)Union

The Airbus A380, that great example of the heights to be reached by the EU, just crashed!  I am grateful to the Spectator - no, no, not the London one, I mean the American Spectator, for highlighting the dismal details.  

Airbus SE announced the demise of its 380 aircraft, after 13 years in service. Launched with about $4 billion [My emphasis] in government developmental aid in 2000, the program was from the start a vanity project, intended to show Americans that Europe could build a commercial aircraft that would be bigger, faster, and better than the Boeing 747, which has been in service for 50 years. [...]

And so, a committee was struck and it was decided that the Airbus A380 project would be managed by a Franco-German team: DaimlerChrysler Aerospace, based in Hamburg, and the Lagardère Group in Toulouse. Only the team wasn’t to be integrated. Rather, there would be parallel structures of corporate officers (two CEOs, CFOs, and so on), thus ensuring strict parity as well as failure.

What could possibly go wrong?  Well, just about everything, of course, and it did - BIG TIME!  For example:

Not even the software used to construct this very complex aircraft was to be integrated, for neither Daimler nor Lagardère wanted to use the other’s software even though the two systems were incompatible. [...]

As the troubles multiplied over the following year, the Germans sent more and more mechanics to Toulouse, until they outnumbered their French counterparts by almost 2 to 1 - 1,300 to around 700.

Sacré bleu!  But never mind all that:

Airbus threw a coming-out party for the A380 that rivaled anything Hollywood might stage, replete with “strobe lights, smoke machines and chorus girls,” according to the New York Times. France’s President Chirac was there, and proclaimed that “When it takes to the skies it will carry the colors of our Continent, and our technological ambitions, to even greater heights.”

Still 'n' all, as those Yankee-doodles tend to say:

[…] the 380 was the largest airplane in the world, a double decker with 550 seats. So large in fact that airports could not accommodate it without modifying their runways and gates. So large that it became harder and harder to fill as passengers decided they’d rather take direct flights to smaller regional airports rather than having to transfer to a connecting flight at one of the major hubs.

As always in these colossal cock-ups, the only question is 'who suffers?'

In the A380 fiasco, there are two big losers. First, there is the European taxpayer when the Airbus A380 loans are forgiven, as were the Airbus’s A340’s loans after that program was canceled. In the absence of this forgiveness Airbus SE would not survive.

The other loser is Boeing. Last year the World Trade Organization ruled that Boeing had been harmed by the governmental loans granted to Airbus which violated standard commercial terms. But under the rules of the WTO, Boeing will not be recompensed, for the cancellation of programs has the practical effect of a bankruptcy, with all claims against these programs being wiped out.

Now, what's the French or German for "Jolly good show"?

 

Your Monday Funnies: 25.2.19

Yes, yes, I know I'm late - again! - but I was despatched on shopping duties this morning by 'you know who'!  Need I say more?

 

CATHOLIC MORNING COFFEE

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,

SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say, “ JESUS"!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper... it's worse when you forget to pull it down!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

THE OLD RANCHER:

Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old
rancher, in town.  Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.  Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumour was true. 

Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."

Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"

Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."

Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.  Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired hand that very afternoon.

Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again.

Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"

Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."

Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"

Never underestimate old men!!!!!!

 

That's it - better late than never - and I heard that!

 

The Sunday Rumble: 24.2.19

In which Peter Hitchens makes up my mind for me:   Dammit, there are so many things going on about which I should be able to analyse and then take a reasoned position but, dammit, I never quite get round to it!  Take this problem of Ms. Shamima Begum, for example.  Should we strip her of her British identity and leave her and her baby to rot in the 'fester-pit' which she chose, or not?  Immediately you enter a multi-handed dilemma - on the one hand this, on the other hand that until you end up turning in circles.  Thus, yet again, I am grateful to Mr. Peter Hitchens in The Mail for making up what passes for my mind for me.

If we allow politicians to strip Shamima Begum’s citizenship from her, they will get a taste for it. And so will our own, home-grown mob. And those who think they are leading mobs always end up discovering that they are, in fact, being chased by them. That never ends well.

Sorted!  Thanks, Mr. Hitchens … again.

 

You never stop learning:   And that is why I am signing on at my local Technical College for a course in 'Tapology'.  This is an unbelievably complex science but I must master it given the decrepit - 'decrapit?' - state of my waste disposal system since those 'Brainiacs' at Taunton Hospital zapped me with their 'death rays'.  I now visit sundry toilets a day - and night - and consequently wash my hands on an almost non-stop basis.  Or at least, I would if only I could get the hang of these bloody, new-fangled taps some 'smart-arse' has designed and which defy logic as to how you may extract water from them!  This morning I made use of my friend's bathroom and was faced with a beautifully sculpted tap which appeared to be totally solid.  I tried to twist it and turn it and in the end thumped it but all to no avail.  In the end, I found out that the sculpted top which made it appear solid was in fact hinged and if lifted that produced water! Grrrrrrrrrh!

 

Stand by, Master Thomas Cromwell, I am about to visit you:   I mentioned a few days ago that I was about to launch into Diarmaid MacCulloch's 'yuuuuuuuuge' history, "Thomas Cromwell: A Life".  Of course, the rest of the world has already done that and enjoyed it by reading Hilary Mantel's novels and the very successful TV series.  I avoided them, not because I doubt Ms. Mantel's skill but I am always chary of fictionalised history as opposed to real scholastic history.  You only have to check out  the historical nonsense perpetrated by that country bumpkin from Stratford to know what I mean!  Anyway, I will let you know in due course what I make of it but, given the size of it, I may be some time!

 

Joke of the day - week? - month? - year?   According to the very naughty boy who runs Zero Hedge, some satirical magazine/site 'over there' has suggested that the lying, little 'scrote' who, with the help of two hired black guys, invented an incident in which he was racially assaulted, has been offered a job by CNN "after witnessing his skills at fabricating a story entirely out of thin air."

 

Hmmmn, got that one wrong!   I vaguely remember that when Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman first appeared as the de facto leader of Saudi Arabia and indicated that he would ease the harsh rules and regulations governing the ladies of his land, I expressed some hopeful remarks that perhaps - maybe - possibly - things might change for the civilised better in that ghastly land.  Then he slaughtered that dodgy Saudi correspondent, and yesterday, on a visit to China, he offered some mitigating excuses for the fact that the Chinese government had imprisoned millions of Uighur Muslims and slaughtered thousands of them.  With a friend and co-religionist like that, who needs enemies?!

 

No more rumbles 

 

The final sacrifice of ten real American heroes remembered

Tony Foulds was only 8 years old in 1944 and, like most days he was playing football with his pals on a stretch of parkland when a badly damaged USAAF bomber, seeking somewhere to land with safety, swerved away from the field occupied by the boys and instead crashed into some trees killing all ten members of the crew - but saving the lives of the boys.  Ever since, Tony Foulds has carefully tended a memorial he set up in memory of the men who perished.

Yesterday was the 75th anniversary in recognition of which, thousands of people turned out to watch a memorial flypast by British and American aircraft.

From The Daily Mail report:

"The pensioner who broke down in tears after thousands joined him for a flypast in memory of ten Second World War heroes whose plane crashed to avoid him has gone back to his day job attending the memorial in their honour."

In many ways, it's a shitty old world but there are some golden moments.

 

 

My Darling Ann whips Donald's arse!

The image implied in my heading is not one that I would wish to linger upon but even so there can be no other to better illustrate her latest article.  I must confess (and quickly plead for mercy lest she turns on me!) that I have rather forgotten MDA's scorching output - my bad!  She was, of course, a major cheer leader for the Trump campaign at the last election and no doubt her vigorous support added considerably to his success.  Even so, unlike most lazy commentators, she never lets her eagle eye waver from what a Presidential 'wannabe' says, and what an actual President does!  Thus:

For decades, voters have been lied to by politicians promising to crack down on immigration. We vote and we vote and we vote, and nothing ever changes. Wage-lowering, culture-destroying policies manage to appear in every bill Congress passes.

We finally got sick of it and voted for Trump. He promised to build a wall, deport illegal aliens and end the anchor baby scam. No matter how much the establishment screamed at him, he never backed down.

To call Trump's promise to build a wall his "central campaign promise" routinizes it. That promise was indispensable to his election in a way that no other president's campaign promises ever were.

Well, yes, that was the impression I gained, even 'over here'.  So what actually happened?

The bill President Trump signed last Friday is worse than anything Hillary could ever have gotten through Congress.

To mention the two most shocking examples, the bill prohibits Trump from using any Homeland Security funds to build a wall anywhere along the border. Only bollard fencing is permitted -- and even that is allowed in only one small section of the border with the approval of local authorities.

Inasmuch as the "local authorities" in that particular sector are liberal Democrats and/or beholden to Mexican cartels, the bill Trump just signed effectively prohibits any barrier whatsoever from being built on the border.

The bill also expressly prohibits the deportation of any illegal aliens who are part of a household, or thinking of becoming part of a household, that contains an "unaccompanied minor" -- i.e. any illegal alien who claims to be under 18 years old with no parent in the country. This is why the bill is being referred to as the Pedophiles-Go-Free Act.

Ouch!

Of course, 'The Donald' is exceedingly fortunate that the Democratic party opposition forming to oppose him in 2020 is the biggest collection of freaks, juveniles, dimwits and Old Age Pensioners ever seen but, even so, have a care, Mr. President!  You are facing nearly two years of a non-stop barrage of virulent criticism from one of the best and sharpest political commentators in the media.  Better to have her on side than in opposition!

 

 

In which I am nearly 'booked out' - the horror!

As my regular visitors will know, I am something of a 'bookaholic'!  Thus, you will understand my severe anxiety when, in the last few days, I have been unable to find a book that piqued my interest.  Frankly, I was so moved and excited by Ben Macintyre's biography of the Russian spy, Oleg Gordievsky, that an ordinary fictional 'thriller' simply would not do.  Naturally, I turned to my Kindle to rake through what was on offer on the subject of 'History'.  Alas, nothing leapt out at me and I was reduced to watching TV which at least had the advantage of sending me to bed early!

Anyway, in some desperation today, during a visit to 'downtown' Sherborne, I was a 'very naughty boy' and sneaked into the town bookshop to see if I could spy anything to entice me.  There, in the 'History' section I came across "Thomas Cromwell: A Life" by Diarmaid MacCulloch which reminded me that I had read some of the rave reviews last year but, typically, I had forgotten about them.  Anyway, quite apart from the price of the hardback copy, given my pathetic, arthritic hands and arms I would have difficulty lifting it, let alone turning the pages!  So it has to be the Kindle version but, not wishing to do the bookshop out of business, I did buy a thriller by that master of the genre, Linwood Barclay.  I have read and enjoyed so many of his yarns, all of them so tricky you can never guess where they will end up.

So, my brief spell in the bookless desert is over and thus all is well with the world!

 

 

Sorry, to the power of 3

Yes, alas, I have been on the missing list again but - honest - it wasn't my fault, guv!  The 'memsahib' tripped or slipped  on our garden path and went down with a bang.  Fortunately, no serious damage apart from a black eye (not guilty!) and some bruising and subsequent aches and pains.  Needless to say, that has thrown a 'yuuuuuge' number of tasks onto my, er, manly shoulders, so time has been limited.  However, we are now up, and if not running, at least shuffling at a fair speed.  I hope to blog a bit later today.

Farewell and an enormous 'thank you' to a great lady

I refer to the late Mrs. Betty Ballantine, a British lady who has just died at the great age of 99 and to whom, I, as well all you lot, owe an enormous debt of gratitude.  She and her husband were the originators of paper-back books.

 

Starting with Penguin Paperbacks they moved to America and began the soft-cover revolution in the book trade which opened a 'zillion' eyes to treasures hitherto beyond them.  You can read her bio here:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/15/obituaries/betty-ballantine-dead.html

 

Thanks, Ma'am, I owe you!