We must all shag for Scotland!

'Research shows' (dread words) that the population of Scotland is falling fast either because the Jocks cannot rise to the occasion, or the Jockettes simply don't fancy them when they can - and who can blame them?  In a perfect example of that abstruse language known as 'research-speak':

"Researcher Professor Frances Wasoff said: "A range of factors appear to have a bearing on fertility variations in Scotland.  Low fertility in Scotland cannot be attributed in a simplistic way to people holding low fertility aspirations."

Don't ask me how you hold "low fertility aspirations", in a very, very tight grip is my only suggestion!

To remedy this barren state of affairs, I had intended to appeal to my very good e-friend, Clairwil, to close her eyes and think of Scotland but then remembered that when it comes to maternal feelings she out-Herods Herod! I hesitate to call on 'Ill Man', into whose lonely bachelor life there recently entered a lady, because mention of her has declined somewhat and one hesitates to probe.  No good turning to Kirk Elder of that Ilk because I suspect he is as old, if not older than me, and therefor much more interested in the heat of his porridge than the heat of his loins.  Being half Jock, myself, I was tempted to do my bit for Scotland before I remembered that these days I require at least three months notice and a far more vivid imagination than I possess today. Still, this lack of sexual activity at least explains the sudden resurgence of the Jock 'footie' team whose energy levels have taken their opponents by surprise.

Anyway, apparently we must face a future with fewer and fewer Jocks so you see, no matter how bad the news, there's always a silver lining!

Comments

[dearieme]

When they compare Scotland vs England, do you think that they might really be comparing Brits vs non-Brits?

[David Duff]

You might say that, 'DM', I couldn't possibly comment'!

[the illman]

Yes, the lady in question is now no longer in my life. Just the biting wind, Partick Thistle and large quantities of lager to give my life meaning...........

As for the declining population, can you send us all your Poles and Czechs? You see, I'm reliably informed that if they aren't born with a football at their feet, then they most certainly have Castrol R coursing through their veins and make for rather good Speedway riders.

[David Duff]

Commiserations, 'Ill Man', I had no desire to touch a sore spot. You must approach SoD (Son of Duff) for information on all things female and East European. As for Partick, what can one say, 4th in their division but 15 points behind the leaders - oh, dear, another sore point, I guess. Ah, well, with comforting friends like me, who needs enemies?

[the illman]

Ah, if only the Blind Winger were around, he'd see us alright. As for the Jags, this season is a practice run. All systems go for 2008/09.

[Clairwil]

David,
I have news for you. I am due to be Aunty Clairwil in a matter of weeks. The bad news for you is that my little niece or nephew will be brought up in sunny London and is the product of a Scottish and Irish partnership.

[the ill man]

'Auntie Clairwil'

It has a certain ring to it..........

Congratulations missus!

[Mike Cunningham]

So it's true! My long-held belief that the Scots, far from being a nation of explorers and soldiers, are actually a bunch of wankers, because there's not an awful lot left for, well, the other!

[David Duff]

Clairwil, apologies, I forgot to respond to your good news. 'Aunthood' all the pleasures and none of the nappies!

Mike, not only but also, consider the problems of the kilt and dangling, unencumbered male genitalia swinging free to all the elements, to say nothing of the gorse bushes! Need I say more?