Bring back Sir Humphrey!

I have long considered that not the least of the causes of our nation's slow descent from excellence to mediocrity to decrepitude is the steady decline in education standards, not amongst the inbred sub-class who inhabit the derelict housing estates which are such an iconic symbol of modern Britain, but more importantly amongst those 'intellectuals' who rise like 'floaters' to the top of the national toilet.  Many of these half-educated morons who mastered joined-up writing whilst young and were therefore guaranteed straight 'A's at 'skool', went on to gain degrees in Origami, or some such, at the likes of Bootle 'Yoonie' and, rather than risk a life of cut and thrust in private industry, slithered effortlessly into the civil service.  Once in, of course, it is only neccesary to be very aware of the latest fads and cults in what passes for thinking amongst the ruling classes and your rise and rise is inevitable.

At this point, I give you - Sir David Normington, KCB.  He is the senior civil servant at the Home Office and the man responsible for urging the 'Metropolitan Criminals' Support and Counseling Service', aka: the Met Police, to send more than 20 counter-terrorist officers to arrest an opposition MP and shadow minister for utterly spurious, if not sinister, reasons and search his home, his parliamentary office and his constituency office.  However, before I sift through that, let me direct your attention to his autobiography, here.  In it, he boasts of "a particular interest in leadership development".  This master of leadership (if we are to believe her and her boss - a big 'if'!) deliberately failed to inform the Home Secretary, 'Jackboot Jaquie' (my thanks to Richard Littlejohn for that one), who was his 'leader' that he was about to condone an action in which several tons of political brown stuff were obviously certain to hit the fan. By this superb example of, er, leadership he stands in relation to the Home Secretary much as Cpl. Jones did to Capt. Mainwaring. (Link provided for the benefit of my foreign readers.)

Returning to his biography, he actually boasts that "In 1995 I became Director General for Schools and later, Permanent Secretary, at the newly-formed Department for Education and Skills." A prudent man, a shrewd man, a man with even a modicum of introspection and intelligence, would have kept rather quiet about that particular career move given the indisputable fact that over the period he was in charge (and ever since), standards in education and skill in this country have dropped faster than the value of British government bonds!  (As a writer who frequently misuses commas, myself, I hesitate, but not for long, in pointing to the redundant comma in the sentence written by this master of education - which I'm not! - plus several other English language infelicities in his biographical precis.)

Not content with exposing himself to public ridicule once, this buffoon doubles his money with this: "A closer examination of my career path through the Civil Service shows it follows the principles of Professional Skills for Government - long before it was thought of!"  I wonder what the Home Secretary would have to say about Sir David's professional skills today, and whether the Prime Minister, in his rage, might throw something heavier than a stapler across the room?  One of his paragraphs begins with "I got a great buzz", not the sort of phrase that would ever have left the nib of 'Sir Humphrey's' elegant pen, one feels, but Sir David, shivering with excitement, tells us this thrill came about from "setting up the first-ever youth training scheme [my emphasis]".  Apparently, this educational Titan has never heard of apprenticeships which go back to medieval times.  Even so, poor deluded fool that he is, he may not know it but he is about to receive the biggest "buzz" of his life via the political electrodes even now being attached to his governmental gonads. (Please, please, Miss Jaquie, can I throw the switch first?)

Sir David ends his autopanegyric with these ineffable words: "All my working hours are spent on trying to create a Home Office which has the confidence of the public and in which staff are proud to work. This is the biggest challenge of my career so far. But I believe achieving it is important to the security of the country and to the reputation of the Civil Service." [My emphasis]

What can one say, except, come back, Sir Humphrey, all is forgiven and your country needs you!

Comments

[JuliaM]

" "All my working hours are spent on trying to create a Home Office which has the confidence of the public and in which staff are proud to work."

Lol! Epic fail!

[David & Son of Duff]

Oh, I dunno, 'E' for Effort, perhaps!

[dearieme]

"and, later, Permanent Secretary at the...." would be how I would punctuate it. Anyway, what an utter prick he sounds to be.

[David & Son of Duff]

I think you're right, 'DM'. Normally, I rely on 'Andy' to correct my worst abuses of the English language but he's been a bit slack recently, so if you're looking for a part-time job now that you're retired ...

[dearieme]

One of my reasons for retiring was that I had grown weary of correcting other people's English. ;-)