I have suffered in recent days. Oh, alright, not as much as poor 'Sis' and her son - read about it here and weep - with rage as much as anything. Even so, I have been on the rack, suffering acute pain which I bore with all the brave stoicism of a British gentleman. The little 'Memsahib' keeps calling me "whiney"; I can't imagine why because I have only cried out about 12 times a day, and if you just knew the sheer level of pain . . . well, I think I deserve a medal! What is it, I hear you ask? Sorry, I forgot to say - a hang-nail, you know, one of those little ones right in the corner of your finger which always catches anything you handle. This one began very small which is when I first tore off the top of my finger - well,not literally, but it felt like it - so I had to wait through a few days of agony for it to grow long enough for me to get the cutical scissors on it! Yes, cuticle scissors, one of the marvels of the modern age! OK, OK, so it's not the jet engine or penicillin, but just think for a moment what life must have been like without them. Imagine, poor old Socrates reaching for his goblet of hemlock but catches a hang-nail on his toga and ends up dancing round his cell with his hand under arm saying some really un-Socratic things! Or poor old Marx having scrounged (yet another) load of dosh from Engels the Chump, about to slide the sovereigns into his pocket when he catches a hang-nail and drops the lot on the tavern floor and quickly learns the value of labour as he scrambles about trying to pick them up before the workers in the pub get their hands on them. Well, you see what I mean, a world without cuticle scissors - such neat, sharp, beatifully designed and so fit for their purpose - would be hell on earth.
Perhaps some of you can think of more "unconsidered trifles" of the modern world which we take for granted - and, anyway, who the hell first invented scissors? I'm off to lie down now, being brave is very exhausting.
David, I don't actually know who invented scissors but I do remember hearing about some Greek guy who described the seven or so simple machines. I don't recall whether inclined planes and hinges were discussed. I may've been drunk during that 4th grade class.
But your question led me to Google and you can tell the Memsahib now that "Ol' JK" has finally come up with the answer to your most nagging question for that poor woman. And no, don't ask me how I arrive on these sites.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-is-My-Poop-Green?-The-Shocking-Answer&id=3022423
Posted by: JK | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 01:53
Dammit, Sir, who-ever informed you that my poop is green is a scoundrel. It's red, white and blue - all the way through!
And, honestly, 'JK', I think we're going to have to put a parental monitor on your computer!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 09:08
I will admit, occasionally my computer has been employed for therapy.
That aside - further Googling reveals that neither red nor white poop is especially problematic. However the blue might very well be. Especially if its ejected in 13 stripes and 50 stars.
Further reading reveals a "Union Jack" pattern is not that unusual, "Wee Gordy's" complaint apparently. However again, should you be farting stars, I'd suggest you have your cuticle clippers sharpened.
Pardon again Your Majesty, (I realize you're a regular reader) but we've got a healthcare foofaraw afoot here and David's hangnail you realize...
Posted by: JK | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 10:48
I am gaining the distinct impression, 'JK', that you are not taking my PTHNS (Post Traumatic Hang-Nail Syndrome) with the seriousness it deserves! It is at moments of crisis like this that a chap finds out who his true friends are.
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 14:00
blah, blah.
Posted by: dearieme | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 21:20
Helping with Colors..... the loveliest shade of green can be accomplished by eating black licorice...... ( be sure and warn parents before sending grandkids back home........) also blue food coloring in blue cake icing..... come through... as the same lovely shade of blue....... LMAO........as for cuticle scissors.... I suggest you do not eat them they do not digest well....... but perhaps could rust in your tummy.... leaving us with a lovely shade of ORANGE
Posted by: Renee | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 21:27
For general information, 'Dearieme's' remark was a 'Test Message' at my request because he has had trouble getting through.
Renee, what can I say, apart from, er, whatever . . .
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 06 October 2009 at 22:54