Oh my giddy aunt ... stop, please ... I'm on my back drumming the floor with my heels ... a hankie clutched in my teeth ... tears of laughter - er, I think it's laughter ... streaming down my face ... and the neighbours are complaining about the noise!
Well, you have to laugh, really, when the "not fit for purpose" Home Office issues not so much a tissue of lies but an entire toilet-roll of them purporting to tell us that crime has fallen! Is there anyone outside of Westminster who really and truly believes that? Oh yes, of course, there is ACPO, "the biggest collections of liars since Cut the Purse and he was the king of liars". (Sorry, that was one of my old mum's favourite Caledonian sayings and somehow it has stuck with me through life.) Anyway, one can always rely on the Association of Culpable Pillocks Chief Police Officers to rush forth and congratulate themselves/blame someone else (delete according to whether the news is good or bad) and they haven't been slow off the mark this time. This, via The Telegraph, from some puffed-up prat who runs the police in Warwickshire:
These overall results are positive and a strong indication of our commitment to cutting crime.
Like many sectors, policing will be expected to deliver more for less.
We recognise the challenge and remain resolutely committed to protecting the public which we serve.
I simply can't be bothered to plough back through Google to print the enormous, and growing, list of police cock-ups many of which have led to preventable homicides. Suffice to say, that the day after Chief Constable Goebbels issued his smug, self-satsified stream of projectile vomiting, figures issued today tell us that the police are solving fewer crimes not more!
The Home Office is scratching around trying to find some reason for this apparent fall in crime and the best they can come up with is increased security in houses, offices and cars, so not much to do with our "resolutely committed" police force, then! The one reason not suggested by the Home Office is the obvious one, that we have succeeded in banging up so many villains in jail we now hold the European record for prison population per head. They dare not say that, of course, because that silly old fathead, Alan Clarke, has just promised to turn thousands of prisoners out on the streets early and will instruct the Cocklecarrots not to jail so many in the future.
Oh God ... I'm off again ... what a side-splitter ... pass the Kleenex - or the sick bag!
Errr, it's Kenneth Clarke, surely? He is indeed a fathead, though...
Posted by: JuliaM | Friday, 16 July 2010 at 13:53
Oh God, I must take more water with it! Corrected, but I suppose it's another 100 lines, Julia?
Posted by: David Duff | Friday, 16 July 2010 at 16:35