Yes, thank you for asking, I did manage to find my way out of IKEA (see previous post), despite their utterly useless maps and directions designed, I reckon, to keep you in there forever - I swear I glimpsed a couple of skeletons in the corners. Anyway, I have returned, triumphant, with a 'Billy' bookcase. I may be wrong but I think the name implies that it is 'Billy Basic' although, having spent most of the day assembling it I would describe it as a fiendishly diabolical Chinese puzzle. Still, with the patience and perseverence for which I am famed the length and breath of this study, and with a little encouragement from the 'Memsahib' (like: if you don't get that bookcase up and ready you can forget about supper tonight!), I managed to put all the pieces together - although not necessarily in the right order, or even the right way round! However, now it stands proudly before me as I type this post and so long as you put all your weight on one foot you barely notice the slight lean. Anyway, I am so proud of my craftsmanship that I can't help thinking of The Antiques Roadshow in 2111.
Expert furniture dealer: My goodness me, what have we here?
Punter (perhaps my great-great-grandson if SoD ever gets around to producing my first grandson): It's a bookcase; it's been in the family for years.
Expert: Yes, indeed, I can see that and I can tell you that in all my years on this show I have never seen one like this before. I think I know the name of the maker but tell me, what is your family name?
Punter: Er, well, the name's Duff, actually.
Expert: Ah, as I thought, a Duff bookcase!
Punter: Look, mate I'm pissed off with 'Duff' jokes, just get on with it!
Expert: Oh, right-ho, well, this looks like a very original piece by David Duff, your great-great-grandfather. You can tell by the rather elegant lean to one side which characterises so much of his furniture; and the witty way in which the shelves slant slightly in the opposite direction to provide a visual balance; and, of course, an absolute give away on a Duff construction, he's built it with the base on the top and the top at the bottom, he was rather proud of that innovation and claimed that he gave his furniture a unique style. Now, let me examine it closely - oh yes - look, just here where the peg goes in, a little smear of dried blood where he missed with the hammer and probably hit his thumb; and now, looking at the back I notice that he's only put in four tacks per row instead of the mandatory six, always a man for cutting corners was your great-great-grandfather.
Anyway, it's in, er, typical Duff-style and, of course, in its day it cost about £40 but today, a hundred years later, well, my goodness, today, you'd be lucky to get half-a-crown for it and then the buyer would have to be drunk, blind and lacking a sense of smell!
At this point, for the first time in the long and distinguished history of this frightfully proper BBC programme a fight broke out . . . see, aggression again, it's in the genes, you know!
They have wonderful furniture in Bali.
Everything has an antique look and there are even some real antiques.
The most popular though are the antiques made while you wait.
Posted by: Sassyandra | Wednesday, 16 March 2011 at 23:44
I've never been to Ikea. I should, however, like to go to one of those famous American "big box" stores. Not least because I'd like to find out why people buy big boxes and what they use them for. It's my hope that the people who shop at big box stores also shop at medium box stores, small box stores, minusculse box stores and so on, and then carefully arrange their purchases in the style of Russian dolls. But that remains to be seen.
Posted by: dearieme | Thursday, 17 March 2011 at 00:04
Well DM, if you do have your sense of smell intact, Memsahib would be likely to give you that one for much less than Sotheby's would ask - and then we'd have another blood dribble from Master Carpenter DD's Tales of "Sojournes to IkeaLand!"
Posted by: JK | Thursday, 17 March 2011 at 03:15
"the antiques made while you wait" - love it!
Indeed, DM, another version of song of the fleas:
Big fleas have little fleas,
Upon their backs to bite 'em,
And little fleas have lesser fleas,
and so, ad infinitum.
Master Carpenter, I say, JK, that has a certain ring to it!
Incidentally, somewhat to my surprise the bookcase remains standing this morning. Just thought you would like to know!
Posted by: David Duff | Thursday, 17 March 2011 at 09:02