Swing the lamp!

My title is an old army expression indicating that what is to follow comes under the heading of an 'Old Soldier's Tale' with the sort of truth quotient that expression entails!  I make no apology for it because it comes from the pen - and I bet it was a proper old-fashioned quill pen - of a very distinguished old soldier, Capt. Sir John Kincaid, late of the 95th Rifles - and I do mean late because we're talking the Spanish Peninsular War, here!  Sir John's memoire Tales from the Rifle Brigade is a classic of its kind combining as it does British understatement verging on insouciance, shrewd observation and above all tremendous good humour.  Here is one of his tales which will give you the flavour of the man:

July 26th [1812] - On approaching near to our bivouac this afternoon, I saw a good large farmhouse, about a mile off the road; and, getting permission from my commandant, I made a cast thereto, in search of something for dinner.  There were two women belonging to the German Legion [camp followers], smoking their pipes in the kitchen, when I arrived; and, having the highest respect for their marauding qualifications, I began to fear that nothing was to be had, as they were sitting there so quietly.  I succeeded, however, in purchasing two pair of chickens; and neglecting the precaution of unscrewing their necks, I grasped a handful of their legs, and, mounting my horse, proceeded towards the camp; but I had scarcely gone a couple of hundred ards, when they began opening their throats and flapping with their wings, which startled my horse and sent him off at full speed.  I lost the reign on one side, and, in attempting to pull him up with the other, I had brought his foot into a rut, and down he came, sending me head foremost into a wet ditch!  When I got on my legs, and shook myself a little, I saw each particular hen  galloping across the field, screeching with all its might, while the horse was off in a different direction; and, casting a rueful look at the chickens, I naturally followed him, as the most valuable of the collection.  Fortunately, a heavy boat-cloak caused the saddle to roll under his belly; and finding that he could not make way in consequence, he quietly waited for me about a quarter of a mile off.  When I had remounted, I looked back to the scene of my disaster and saw my two German friends busily employed in catching the chickens.  I rode towards them, and they were, no doubt, in hopes that I had broken my neck, that they might have the sacking of me, also; for, as I approached, I observed them concealing the fowls under their clothes, while the one took up position behind the other.  After reconnoitring them a short time, I rode up and demanded the fowls, when the one looked at the other, and, in well-feigned astonishment, asked in Dutch, what I could possibly mean? then gave me to understand that they could not comprehend English; but I immediately said, 'Come, come! none of your gammon; you have got my fowls, here's half a dollar for your trouble in catching them, so hand them out.'  'Oh!' said one of them, in English, 'it is de fowl you want' and they then produced them.  After paying them the stipulated sum, I wished them all the compliments of the season, and thought myself fortunate in getting off so well; for they were each six feet high, and as strong as a horse, and I felt convinced that they had often thrashed a better man than myself in the course of their military career.

I may regale you with one or two more of his stories.

 

Comments

[Andra]

That's a delightful story and I thank you for it.
I look forward to another in the fullness of time.

[David Duff]

Glad you enjoyed it.

[JK]

"Chickens six feet tall!!!?"

C'mon David - no self respecting old soldier (a Captain no less) would submit a report to his Commander such a yarn. But if the Captain indeed made such report, I'd ask - what rank he held the next day?

[David Duff]

JK, not for the first time I must urge you to take more water with it, either that, or put your reading specs on your nose not on the top of your head! The sentence you place in quotes was not what I, or Capt. Kincaid, wrote! He was referring to the women not the chickens.