Am I jealous of Roman Abramovich? Of course not. Do I begrudge him his gazillions? Certainly not, most of it was nicked earned off the Russians and people have been stealing earning from them for centuries so why should I care? Do I lust after the various gorgeous wives and girlfriends he has enjoyed? Absolutely not, apart from anything else the 'Memsahib' would kill me if I did. Am I irritated everytime he buys an even bigger more luxurious yacht for the sort of money that would replace the two carriers 'Dave' gave away? I deny it absolutely. So why, this afternoon, did I enjoy one of the most delirious bouts of utterly delicious schadenfreude that I have had since Gordon Brown was drummed out of office?
I will tell you but first, for the sake of my foreign e-pals, I should explain that Abramovich is one of those Russian oligarchs who seems to have partly based himself in the UK. I am delighted with that for the very reasons I explained in my previous post but, on the other hand, I would advise Her Maj to count the spoons fairly regularly! Anyway, despite being an obviously clever and dead crafty operator, 'Comrade' Abramovich is also a total prat because he is consumed with a passion for 'footie'. Now, you only have to watch the pictures from the slowly moving camera that trails along the terraces filming the crowd at any 'footie' match to see that the average brain cell count for 'footie' fanatics is probably somewhere between plankton and amoebas. Well, Abramovich is one of those, except that instead of standing on the terraces eating a third-rate gristle pie, he is swilling 'Dom Pom' in the biggest, most luxurious box in the entire stadium - because he owns the bloody thing - outright! The club is called Chelsea and, to be fair, it has done better than it has ever done since he owned it, winning the English championship three times in the last six years. But, and here's the rub, or perhaps, here's the itch and poor little Roman can't stop scratching it, he knows that the only thing that really counts is winning the European championship, and that, Chelsea consistently fail to do which is why a steady stream of managers come and go - usually before they have unpacked their bags!
I gather that like most tycoons, 'Roman the Terrible' is surrounded by various creepy-crawlies who do his bidding, or what they think will be his bidding. Hence, the first skill required by any manager is best described as 'running interference' as they try to fend off sundry suits from sticking their ignorant noses into what is not their concern. However, when it comes to interference, Roman is definitely a hands-on boss. Consequently, last year, when Chelsea were floundering somewhat, he stepped in and, over the head of his manager, bought a centre forward called Fernando Torres from Liverpool whose two American owners were only too pleased to take the money, suffering as they were, no doubt, with a severe case of Obamanomics! Now all the experts (honesty rather than modesty forbids that I include myself in that term but I listen to experts constantly on ''TOOORKSPOOOORT' radio) had noticed a sharp drop in form from the unfortunate Torres probably due to a series of hamstring operations he had suffered. However, with the courage of his convictions, which far exceeded his knowledge of the game, our lad Roman steamed in and made the Yanks an offer they could not refuse.
From then until today, Torres has scored only one goal!
Today, I watched a crucial match between Chelsea and the legendary Manchester United, run by their wily but wasp-chewing manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. Chelsea lost 3-1. It is true that today Torres succeeded in doubling his total scoring record for Chelsea with a rather nifty goal. However, later in the match when a second goal would have lifted his team and given them a chance for at least a score draw, he received a perfect pass through the centre. He skipped past a defender and there was no-one between him and the goal except the keeper and with a neat piece of footwork he side-stepped him and now there was an empty goal in front of him. He missed!
Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you. 'Roman the Imbecile' paid the Yanks £50 million for him. That's £50,000,000, or, if you prefer, £25m per goal.
Oh, my God, I wept, honestly I did, I wept . . . er, with laughter, of course.
I'm no footie expert, but even I knew £50 million was way too much. I shall make a point of watching the highlights tonight because it is as you say, quite delicious.
Posted by: A K Haart | Sunday, 18 September 2011 at 20:28
Enjoy, as our American cousins are wont to say!
Posted by: David Duff | Sunday, 18 September 2011 at 20:47
To tell the truth, here in Spain we were as much surprised when Liverpool took him from Atlético de Madrid paying quite a lot of money too.
Torres was considered a good player in a medium level club, but not as good as that. In the spanish team, wich, ejem, is not doing that bad lately, he plays because there is no one else, Spain rarely has ever had any good scorer, and not all the time.
Maybe Benitez knew what to do with him. Maybe Liverpool played in a counter-pounch style that fit him better than the way Chelsea does.
Anyway, hard to feel sorry for any of them, all that money for playing or, in many cases, just pretending to.
About Roman, I totally disagree with you. He is a very nice guy, elegant, good taste, handsome and of course, very, very clever. As a matter of fact, I think I love him, and I'm ready to give him my bank account in case he feels the same way and needs to reciprocate me with some spare change.
Posted by: ortega | Monday, 19 September 2011 at 08:05
Just a minute, Ortega, I'm first in the queue! In fact, I offered to give him shaving lessons so that he doesn't always look like he's just got out of bed and I feel sure he will respond with his usual generosity.
Being serious for a moment, Torres has shown some flashes of brilliance and to be honest I never like to see a superb athlete struggling with the after effects of injury. His first goal yesterday was excellent.
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 19 September 2011 at 08:56