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Thursday, 16 August 2012


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Occasionally, I don't understand when you are being ironic on this blog, and think you are being serious when you are in fact taking the piss. I used to think this was due to me being a bit thick, and I put up with it and did the best I could. I mentioned it to my GP, however, and he said that I was in fact suffering from "Duff's Irony Misapprehension" syndrome, or "DIM".

I feel much better now. I'm hoping the government will send me some money every time I read this blog, along with the other DIM people. You might have to fill in a few forms, but I'm sure you would want to do your best for all those who are DIM.

I advise, and you can quote me to Mrs. 'W', that you take plenty of rest and make use of a well-know psychiatric comforter called 'single malt'. Cuddle up with that on a regular basis and you will feel no pain. Er, that'll be 120, please, oh, guineas, of course!

And if you are going to drink single malt, experiment to find which whisky:water ratio suits you best. Ignore all rubbish talked about having to drink it "straight". Complete bollocks.

'W', pay absolutely no attention to DM! Mixing water into a single malt is sacrilege. DM, I have barred people for less on this blog!

You see, W, it's bollocksmeisters who preach this false doctrine of "no water". Ignore them. Find what's to your taste.

Would never have thought it, dammit, but obviously the man's a homosexual socialist - where's m'shotgun?

Free the Water! Water is human too! What about water's civil rights?

P.S. Soft water is best.

Don't know you've this problem in the UK but here we do and I very often find myself giggling at at what's come should I accept "the cure."

Our TV commercials for new drugs for new disorders take 60 seconds of air-time. The first 10 seconds is, "This is great for _________."

Then, for the remaining 50 seconds, warnings of various and sundry, side-effects.

"Patients taking this magic elixer should be on the lookout for increased depressions, thoughts of suicide, runny nose, watery eyes, increased agitation, sleeplessness, erratic pulse, erratic behavior, can't stay balanced on unicycles, four hour erections should be seen to promptly, et cetera for several more seconds, but then my favorite two ending things I'm always on the lookout for to see whether I might be better off as I am:

Severe sneezing fits and oily flatulence!

"Soft water is best"! Pah! Will no one rid me of this pesky diluter?

Well, JK, I suffer with the last two without needing to take pills for them!

I suppose it's not the best time to say that I don't drink...?

OK, DM, shall we beat up this miserable teetotaler together or seperately - oh, and allow me to add a little water to your malt before we start?

"allow me to add a little water to your malt before we start?"

Ah, malt! Nothing like a soothing cup of ovaltine. Normally makes me sleepy rather than belligerent, though...

Sorry, DM, this man's beyond redemption!

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