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Tuesday, 09 October 2012


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You should also mention that the length of the tie as worn is absolutely critical. The tip should end just above the belt. Any longer and you look like a dog with an expensive lead. Any shorter and you look like a scruffy schoolboy.

Yes, indeed, and Hendrik points that out. Needless to say, I own several ties like that but I can't bring myself to ditch them 'cos I like them. It takes me about ten goes to get the thing right with the front tail just down to the belt and the long bit behind tucked into my trousers. God, I'm such a slave to fashion! I don't know why I bother because the only time I ever get to wear my 'finery' it is usually a wedding where invariably a fat lady stands in front of me and all you can see is the top of my nearly shaven head. Either that, or it's a funeral and there are never any photos there!

Four "different" ways to tie a knot David?

Truly NOT! There's only the one truly elegant knot any respectable wearer of ties should learn to tie.

I'll bet you have a box full of those Pucci, Gucci, very, very wide and very colourful, abstract ties from the 60's!
Fess up now, Duff.

Well it might look fine and dandy on a boat, JK, but not round my neck!

No, Andra, I never went in for those very much and such as I had went during the 'Great Throw Out'. I do have one dazzler from Duchamp-London but that is a memento mori given to me by the widow of a very old and dear friend who could have drunk for Britain at the Olympics - and I assume he was absolutely plastered when he bought it! I do wear it but only if I am also wearing a waistcoat in which I can hide half of it!

A likely story!

You mean it's you, and not - as I thought - John Major, who is the last man in England to wear a tie on Saturdays?

I can't bear the bloody things. If I wear one the shirt collar irritates my neck. Nor can I wear other neck-irritators e.g rollneck sweaters. Even crewnecks irritate me. I used to get round the problem by wearing cravats but my beloved threw them out on the grounds that "You are not one of The Few".

I didn't have this problem when young - it set in in my forties I suppose. Wot, I'd like to know, is the solution?

Ah but, Andrew, on Saturday I use my tie to hold my trousers up!

I'm afraid it's T-shirt yobbery for you, DM, as it is for me except on those rare occasions, usually births, burials or weddings, when I dress up.

"Well it might look fine and dandy on a boat, JK, but not round my neck!"

Well David, because I had, precisely your neck in mind, the only improvement I thought at least one of my fellow D&N Readers would surely suggest - "See here David, replace the small ball-bearing with say, an eighteen pound cannon ball" - then yes, we'd arrange your presence on Her Maj's yacht for a quiet evening out on the Thames!

I can't stand teeshirts either. They too irritate my throat, at its base.

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