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Tuesday, 12 February 2013


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On the mercifully few occasions Mrs R has been Tom n Dick I found it hard going - hither and thither, up n down etc etc. All this Care in the Community ends up with hubby being wheeled away - so watch out DD and take care of both of yous.

Re au-pairs, pour yourself a stiff drink, it will do you more good.

You are absolutely right, Roger, in all respects but particularly the last and as per your instructions, er, they were instructions, weren't they?, I have made considerable headway into a bottle of Calvados bought on my last trip to France. Do you know, it's just wonderful the way the fatigue, the stress, the worry of it all - just fades away. They should prescribe it on the NHS!

You've got a cat, DD? I bet you claim it really belongs to the Memsahib, and you pretend to hate it. But really you are besotted with the little critter....

We find the secret is to be ill one-at-a-time. Lord knows what we'll do if simultaneously afflicted.

Ah, poor Duff. A woman's work is never done. Believe that now, McDuff?

And yes, Why, I'm surprised about the cat. What's it's name?

Ah yes, DM, timing, as in sex and drumming, it is essential!

We have always had cats, usually more than one at a time. Today, alas, only one and she's an elderly lady called 'Scampi'. We bought her, along with her brother who was named 'Chips', natch! about 18 years ago. His was an odd story. We had him for about five years and then he disappeared for about eight months. Then, just as suddenly, he strolled in through the cat-flap as though he'd never been away, but then, about a month later he disappeared again and never returned. A law unto themselves, cats!

Ha! Try that with sixteen ladies and gentlemen (point of interest: why is it that none of patients ever weigh less than 27 stone?) every day for decades. Throw in a bit of abuse, incontinence and sundry other bodily fluids and... are you free for a shift this week? The pay is crap but I'll throw in a nice pair of scrubs (pink for you) and as many specimen bottles and tongue depressors as you can carry.

To be honest, not all my patients actually need TED stockings (NB. the trick is to roll them on and off) but forcing some poor chap to stagger around the ward in a flower-print open backed gown, paper nickers, foam slippers and white TED stockings is one of the few ways I can have any fun round here anymore (especially since they banned me from staging bedpan races and wheelchair bowling and hid the key to the 'bowel-prep' cupboard just because I 'accidentally' spilled some Kleen-prep in sisters teapot. Who would have guessed she could still sprint the length of the ward, let alone hurdle the notes trolley enroute to the staff facilities?)

"about a month later he disappeared again and never returned."

Quit feeding them `evaporated` milk.

Able, thanks for the stockings tip, I'll try it. Also, of course, I am dimly aware (as in, I am dim) that you guys and gals on the wards day in and day out face a constant source of problems the like of which most of us never have to face. Never, I guess, is a sense of humour more needed!

'Oh, very witty, Wilde, er, I mean, 'Uppers'!'

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