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Thursday, 04 April 2013


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Spot on, Duffers, spot on.

Thank you, Sir!

Oh how ... coincidental, are you channeling me?

The local rag (online version as I'm too cheap to buy one) has a widget that shows mug-shots of everyone convicted and sent down from the locality. Whilst perusing it yesterday, to see how many I recognised/drink with/ have sewed their heads up (and wonder why despite them all being as hard-bitten, disreputable and rough looking a bunch outside the HoC website, do they all seem more photogenic than I do?).

There are currently 404 on display, 11 of whom are 'ladies'. Of those 'ladies' 3 are in pokey for 'pretending to be a pharmacist without a licence and paying tax returns', the rest? Supposed 'racially motivated threatening behaviour' (?!?).

Only two of the males are non-white despite relatively recently having a 'Religion of Peace Pre-pubescent practical biology class' running here involving fifty+ individuals, and I'd guess about the national average as a percentage of population.

The sentences are interesting too. The men, convicted of assorted assault with a deadly axe, dealing in sundry 'herbal medications' without a licence, making a policeman pee himself by pointing a Nerf at him, etc. - average sentence 24 months. The females? 8 mths for the drugs and ... 24 mths for the threatening behaviour?!?

(Apparently you can kill someone but don't, whatever you do, call him a non-white, non-male, non-christian, non-heterosexual, not-able-bodied Bar-steward)

So adding Punks, Goths and Ostriches to the 'minorities'? From a population of nearly 70 million that leaves .... you and me (and I didn't start any wars, couldn't afford a slave and I'm still looking for the 'Dummies guide to oppression' and 'The ten best ways to start your own Empire' - so you'd better just turn yourself in to the nearest commisar right now!)

I throw myself on the mercy of the court, yer 'onour!

Sorry, DD, the Welsh have beaten you to the acronym:

Might I suggest Convocation of Rage-Affected Pensioners?

Oh, I dunno, 'W', apparently they are a "clan of dumb, primitive and socially inept cavemen in a fantasy prehistoric Stone Age setting". That's as good a self-description as I could manage!

I wouldn't advise punching an emu. They will peck your eyes out or disembowel you with one blow.
Beware of emus.
Ditto for cassowaries.

"Peck your eye out or disembowel you" - well that would at least be preferable to listening to that moaning angsty music. Do yours wear those tight jeans and way too much eye-liner too?

Cassowaries? That sounds ... painful?

G'day Sheila, where's Bruce?

He got bitten by a dingo whilst he was playing with his didgeridoo. now he's in bed with a bad cassowaries.

Ah, No worries, she'll be apples!

Oh God! Dare one ask? "Cassowaries"?

Anyone got a YouTube of Rod Hull's 'emu' attacking Parkinson?

Oh I forgot

Strewth, where'd it bite him?

In the outback!

(badoom tish, I'm available for parties and bar-mitzvahs {and for Andra barbies] at reasonable rates. I'll just gewt my coat, shall I?)

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