The NEW coalition government: Tory leadership + Labour + Lib-Dem

There are two schools by the side of the Thames at Windsor.  On the Windsor side there is Windsor Boys School and on the other side is Eton College.  Judged by the dribbling idiocy of the various Old Etonians who surround and advise 'Dim Dave' I am enormously relieved that I sent 'SoD' to the State-funded Boys School on the other side - not, mind you, that I could have afforded more than a weekend for him at Eton!

I was dubious about Dave from the start but I must confess that my scepticism and foresight did not match that of Christopher Booker who wrote this six and a half years ago when Dave was merely leader of the opposition Tory party:

David Cameron ends his first year as leader of the Opposition, there are clear signs that the greatest gamble in modern British politics has not come off. The little group of ex-public schoolboys who last year hi-jacked the Conservative Party have seemed to gamble on just one strategy. List everything the Party used to stand for – low taxes, the family, rolling back the power of the state, encouraging business, upholding our defences, curbing criminals, common sense – then go for the opposite.

How accurate was that?!  And I am extremely grateful to Richard North at EU Referendum for reminding me of Booker's shrewd observations.  Well, I suppose at the time I might have muttered something about Dave being new to the job and that in the end experience would be a stern teacher and he would learn as he went along - and how inaccurate was that?  Roughly, about 100%, I'd say, give or take the odd 0.0001%!

So last night saw the formation of a new national government made up of the Tory leadership and the other two main parties who went to war with, er, the Tory party.  Yeeeeeees, quite!  Now I was going to write something witty, sharp and intelligent on this subject but then I read an article by Sean Thomas on the Telegraph blog site and, dammit, he says it all so much better than me so I will just be my usual idle self and repeat his summary of Dave's new, really-really clever plan:

One thing about Loongate, or Swivelgate – or ThePoorManAtHisGate, as the more astute political observers have dubbed it – is how it reveals the bold and
ambitious two-pronged plan, adopted by Cameron and his team, to win the general election in 2015.

The first part of the masterplan centred on the Tory party in Parliament and
Downing Street. Aware that the party was looking out of touch, Cameron adopted
his “A-List Strategy”, for selecting Tory candidates and advisors, where the “A”
stands for “A person I’d like to play tennis with”.

Just look at recent changes at the top of the Tory party. Jo Johnson, Tory MP
for Orpington, was last month made the Downing Street Policy Chief. And Johnson didn’t just go to the same elite school (Eton) as the prime minister, he
attended the same elite university (Oxford), and joined the same Oxford
dining club.

Meanwhile his brother, the mayor of London, also attended the same elite
school, same elite university and same Oxford dining club. And Jo
Johnson’s close pal, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, also joined the same
Oxford dining club. This is a Tory leadership which has been selected so
extremely carefully that you have to throw the same waiter through the same
restaurant window, in June of 1988, before you are allowed admission.

The second prong of Cameron’s masterplan has been better targeting of voters.
It’s well known that Labour have a more “efficient” distribution of electors, so
Cameron and his team have been concentrating on those crucial swing voters more likely to support him, while abandoning those they don’t need, or dislike.

And who are these voters despised by Cameron and Co? Well, they don’t like
“clownish” Ukip voters: i.e. 20 per cent of the population. But they also don't
like Lefties – you can tell by the way Cameron sneers at the Labour benches:
that's another 25 per cent.

They clearly don't like women over 35, hence Cameron's "frustrated" jibes at
Nadine Dorries. That's another 23 per cent of the population. But nor do they
like Tory activists, or even trad Tory voters ("swivel eyed loons"). Say another
15 per cent?

Who's left? They don't like “nutty” eurosceptics worried about Europe (12 per
cent?), they don't like “frothing” religious people worried about gay marriage
(10 per cent?), they also think anyone not from Eton naturally cares less about
important stuff than better-educated Etonians. Which leads to the conclusion
that Cameron and his circle despise everyone in the country who isn't Cameron
and his circle. And Cameron himself is unsure about Jesse Norman.

And thus it is revealed: this is the Tory election masterplan for 2015. It’s
based on getting out that vital 0.0000000000000001 per cent of the electorate
that went to Eton, personally knows and likes David Cameron, lives in the nice
bit of Notting Hill, is totally cool with gay marriage, and who isn't called
"Jesse".

As they say in non-Westminster circles: good luck with that.

I can't beat that sort of writing so just let me end with a question: Will Dave get beyond the Autumn party conference?  Is the Tory party so supine and pathetic that it will allow itself to be called to heel like a pack of hunting hounds of the sort favoured by Dave's country chums?  Or will the Old Etonians soon find themselves muttering that deliciously ambiguous phrase - the Tory party is revolting!

 

Comments

[Arthur]

Remember, Cameron is Blair's heir. Blair took over the Labour party, dumped clause 4, instituted a Goebbels type media management putsch, and with a spavined press and BBC found himself returned three times with huge majorities. Remember also that a typical socialist tribal voter will happily vote in a Vietnamese pig as long as it wears a red rosette, and bingo!
Cameron clearly thought he could follow the formula: ditch Conservative principles, turn the cabinet into an old pals club and home and dry. The problem is that Conservative voters are different and UKIP is no Social-Democrat groupuscle. Should have gone to Specsavers!

[David Duff]

Thanks, Arthur, an excellent summary but, alas, I'm about ready to vote for a Vietnamese pig and I don't care what rosette it wears!

[Backofanenvelope]

You missed a couple quite large groups he does't like. Smokers - about 25% and drinkers - about 99%.

[David Duff]

So at least he has the non-smoking AA types on side!

[backofanenvelope]

I forgot to mention the people who like to chase foxes and tear them to pieces. Didn't he promise a free vote on the hunting ban? Plus there is my Auntie Phyllis who thinks his forehead is too big....... These numbers are really adding up!

[Andra]

Second last sentence .... "Is the Tory party so supine and pathetic etc" - my reply .... "Probably."

[Paul Minter]

As you will have no doubt noted, I have given up on the Conservatives. Of course Dave and his pals will get through their stage managed autumn conference - they just bring in a load of clapping seals to try and fool the tribal voters that all is well. Long gone are the days when there was any connection between the political masters and the hoi poloi!

I hope I am wrong and that that the Etonian cabal are shown their cards, but I very much doubt it.

Vote UKIP and vote UKIP often!

[Lawrence Duff]

I remember the routine punch-ups on Eton Bridge: Windsor Boys School vs. Eton. Then in sixth form they made me a prefect, and I had to go and break up the fights. Never did mind, we used to watch and place bets.

I wonder if I ever bet on Dave? And they had this chubby, blond, rosy cheeked kid who was a bit tasty, used to call it "Wiff-waff", if I remember rightly ...

SoD

[David Duff]

Well, Paul, we have just discussed who to vote for at the next general election and I'm afraid I will have to vote Tory because that is the best chance to get a referendum.

And there was me, 'SoD', thinking you were hard at work swotting for your exams!

[Up2L8]

Had much to talk about during his 3 day visit with the Obama's. Even accompanying Obama to Ohio. Swapping strategies?

[David Duff]

Oh, God help us!!!

[Andra]

David, you talk about the possibility of a revolution in France.
After today's events in London I think the next revolution might be a lot closer than that.
Bad times are coming I fear.

[David Duff]

No chance, Andra. It's a bit like the blitz, after 20 years of Paddies blowing us up, and now sundry wogs doing the same, we are 'case hardened'. Those two yesterday were obviously brain-dead loonies on a level with some of the English loonies who set fire to their houses and kill six of their children. It's life, or perhaps, it's death!