What's Max Clifford got that I haven't?

I mean, apart from being fairly handsome, moving in show biz circles and having loadsa' money, that is.  I have touched on this subject before but the fact that he has been accused of 'sexually assaulting' eleven teen-age girls in his youth and absolutely no-one has accused me is, frankly, rather hurtful!  I mean, dammit, I did my best, or at least, I think I did but frequently I was unable to recall some of all of the details the next morning so there is no chance now.  Alas, a steady intake of Black 'n' Tans (Guinness and Bitter mixed) played tricks with my memory.  Mind you, I doubt that my feeble fumblings actually amounted to 'sexual assault' and anyway most of the strapping German and Scandinavian au pair girls upon whom I inflicted myself were actually fitter than me!  I do remember - and in retrospect I wish I could forget - one occasion with a fairly hefty German girl with whom I canoodled on a park bench after an evening in the pub - oh yes, I knew how to show a girl a good time, always the Saloon Bar, never the Public!  Anyway, into the park we staggered strolled and sitting upon this flat bench with no back I began to, er, rummage, shall we say.  I distinctly remember, despite my efforts to erase it from my memory banks, repeating over and over the only word of German that floated into my hazy brain - gemütlich!  I kept kissing her and nibbling her ear lobes and repeating in what I thought was a deeply romantic tone, " Gemütlich!  Gemütlich!"  Well, it could have been worse, the only other German word I knew and which I had learned from those old WWII British films about escapes from Stalagluft whatever was "Schnell!" and I dread to think what effect that might have had.  Anyway, on and on I went, whispering 'gemütlich' with increasing fervour until - she let me go!  Up to that point I hadn't realised that she had actually been supporting me on this park bench and when she let go I toppled slowly backwards and landed on the grass.  She smiled sweetly and before strolling off taught me another German phrase, "Auf Wiedersehen".

I wonder if I could sue?

 

Comments

[Andra]

Nein.

[Able]

Hmm, nothing I suspect. In fact I'll guarantee you that should you and Maxy swap bank accounts then 'miraculously' there would suddenly appear a bevy of elderly ladies who suddenly remembered the distressing fact that you had touched, kissed, looked at them/in their direction (or possibly, may have, were suspected of, rumoured to have,... been in the same town as them... once). After all, you are both the right 'race', nationality and age - only being dead could increase your chances further.

Still, rhetorical as the question was, I'm grateful to learn that I 'wasn't' the worst date that Teutonic womanhood was ever subjected to (although you seem to have 'gotten further' than I did, it may have something to do with her being 'on duty' at the time - East German Border Guards get really 'snappy' when you try to chat them up when handing over your papers for some reason - who knew? Being 'frog-marched' across a border isn't my worst date, but it's close).

[David Duff]

Ah, yes, Andra, I remember that word, too, they used it all the time - what's it mean?

Good grief! A female East German border guard - nearly as bad the 'wrecks' (WRACs) in Aldershot!

[Able]

Ah, this was more of a East German gymnastic team member than the usual Border Guard 'shot putter' (very attractive in fact - ladies in high boots with guns do strange things to me - in my imagination only I hasten to unhappily add). To be honest there was method in my madness (for a change). Border crossings can get so 'extended' at times - explaining where all my pairs of Levis have gone to, and just why did I need six pairs just to visit an Embassy? So... get thrown out as a pervert, or strip searched as a black marketeer or a spy - what would you do? (I kept asking for Diplomatic papers, but they said I'd lower the tone of the country or some such thing)

[David Duff]

I bet you went for the strip search every time, Able!