Your Monday Funnies: 29.7.13

I'm off for the rest of the day which, of course, will send you all into deep depression  so here are a couple of 'Funnies' to keep you going:

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.  She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.  Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

 He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'

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The next is courtesy of Andra who is really, really 'grouse' - and for an explanation/translation see the comment thread here:

 

 

The phone rings  and the lady of the house  answers, "Hello."

"Mrs.  Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs.  Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes  Laboratory. 
When your  husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week,
a  biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as  well...  
We are now  uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly,  either way the results are not too  good."

"What do  you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks  nervously.

"Well,  one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's
and  the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell  which is which."

"That's  dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally  we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive  tests once."

"Well,  what am I supposed to do now?"

"The  MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband 
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds  his way home, don't sleep with him!"

 

Have a nice day!

 

Comments

[JK]

Australian Dictionary?!!!

Whys come David, with me you're always hitting your OED yet you allow Andra the mythological?

Grouse (v) "complain," 1885 (implied in grousergroucer, from Old French groucier "to murmur, grumble," of imitative origin (cf. Greek gru "a grunt," gruzein "to grumble"). Related: Groused; grousing. As a noun from 1918, from the verb. 1560s, "to move and act unconsciously;" 1580s, "to be listless and apathetic," the sound of the word perhaps somehow suggestive of low feelings (cf. Low German mopen "to sulk," Dutch moppen "to grumble, to grouse," Old Norse gripa, Dutch grijpen, Gothic greipan, Old High German grifan, German greifen "to seize"), from PIE root *ghreib- "to grip" (cf. Lithuanian griebiu "to seize"). Figurative sense of "complain, grouse" is first attested 1932, probably from earlier meaning "gripping pain in the bowels" (c.1600; cf. bellyache).

[Andra]

That's all very well, JK, but things are different in Australia, as you know.

grouse 5 aussie slang definitions
(adj.
Meaning: great - terrific - very good [shit hot]
Grouse something is great, terrific
grouse
Something good.
grouse
adjective: excellent (known to be a Melbourne, Victoria term) "It was a grouse night out"

[JK]

"Things are different in Australia."

Oh yeah. I forgot. It was quite early [for me - not necessarily for Arkansas] when I explained the above.

Things are different in Australia.

[Able]

Of course they're different down there, they're upside down! (politely not mentioning. in case Andra gets violent, their descent from criminal lower classes and those troops too lazy to figure out an excuse not to volunteer to serve as guards, therefore resulting in the corruption of Cockney slang and an almost Inshallah attitude - No Worries! She'll be apples!).

I remember a drunken, back-packing Aussie Bar-man (is there any other kind?) explaining that this was due to being in the southern hemisphere, and thus suffering from the 'Coriolanus' effect, causing the bodily fluids to rotate counter to the northern norm (not sure how Shakespeare managed that, I think he meant Coriolis effect, but being Aussie, maybe not).

[David Duff]

"gripping pain in the bowels" - I get that every time I look at a newspaper.

[dearieme]

Oi, Duffers, is this your sort of thing?
http://chicagoboyz.net/archives/37817.html#more-37817

[David Duff]

Definitely, DM, and I have saved it for later perusal - thanks.

[JK]

Here Duffers, another link for you to bookmark - just in case we have another, "George Zimmerman."

http://homicides.redeyechicago.com/

[David Duff]

Sorry, JK, bloody-bloody TypePad dumped you in the Spam Box - usually it's me!

Yes, I read about the on-going massacre in Chicago.

[JK]

It's said, "Afghanistan's a bloody lark, Chicago however is a fine, fine place to be."

("Fine" in the Duke of Boot sense - but I dunno, I'm South!)

David? Might you recall that post of yours where's the rifleman stood behind the tree and learned the proper way to "Stand To Attention"?