Sometimes 'thank you' just isn't enough. Yes, indeed, there are some acts undertaken by some people which are simply too excellent, too brim-full of goodness and intelligence to go unrewarded and simple gratitude, frankly, is insufficient.
Thus, the lady (and alas, her name has not be printed - can't think why!) in Orpington who opened her door to a bunch of Halloween kiddie-winkies having dressed herself as a butcher wearing a blood-stained apron, wielding a meat-cleaver and offering the afore-mentioned kiddie-winkies a real bleeding sheep's heart deserves not just the Freedom of Orpington but a 'Ladyship' at the hands of Her Maj!
This woman has struck a blow on behalf of us all who year after year are pestered with wretched, snot-dribbling, apprentice hooligans knocking on our doors shouting 'trick or treat' frequently accompanied by their smiling, doting and retarded parents all of whom deserve to be reported to Haringey Social Services. Well, my little monsters, now that this lady has struck a blow for us all in resistance to this 'stoopid' American import, my sincere advice is not to try knocking on my door next year. I will be working with my theatre group's make-up artist and wardrobe lady, to say nothing of my local butcher, to provide you with a one-man show which I am confident will remain in your nightmares dreams for years to come.
ADDITIONAL: I have just had a better idea for driving the wretched little kiddie-winkies away from my front door forever. In future I shall greet them at the door with a recitation of some of my favourite Shakespearean sonnets - 'oh, the horror, the horror!'
Fortunately, because I live out 'in the sticks', I don't get bothered by this idiocy. It's a sort of protection racket in my view : 'give us the money (sweeties) or your property my suffer, 'cos my bruvver is so careless with those eggs, innit'.
Anyway, apart from this excellent way of deterring 'trick or treaters', here's another idea https://twitter.com/nullbymouth/status/395949265400238081/photo/1
Posted by: Paul Minter | Saturday, 02 November 2013 at 11:15
According to the article, the father of some of the children 'went round to complain', which seems a bit rich, given that they surely got exactly what they asked for; it's rather like going on the ghost train at the fair and then demanding your money back because it was haunted.
Posted by: macheath | Saturday, 02 November 2013 at 11:24
"one-man show which I am confident will remain in your nightmares dreams for years to come." That's exactly what they want!
"Stooped American import". You're looking in the wrong direction.
Wikipedia
"North American almanacs of the late 18th and early 19th century give no indication that Halloween was celebrated there.[76] The Puritans of New England, for example, maintained strong opposition to Halloween,[76] and it was not until the mass Irish and Scottish immigration during the 19th century that it was brought to North America in earnest.[76] Confined to the immigrant communities during the mid-19th century, it was gradually assimilated into mainstream society and by the first decade of the 20th century it was being celebrated coast to coast by people of all social, racial and religious backgrounds."
Posted by: Dom | Saturday, 02 November 2013 at 11:31
The Scots have long had a tradition of 'guising' at Halloween; I suspect the elaborate masks-and-fancy-dress stuff was added by modern Americans because the original door-to-door callers - at least in my home town - traditionally blacked their faces with soot, not a popular move in today's USA.
(For the same reason, Green River Tap and Die, a group of New England Molly-dancers whose English counterparts still perform disguised in blackface, have adopted the ingenious - and unexpectedly cool - solution of wearing large sunglasses instead.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRMIJUfBVac
Posted by: macheath | Saturday, 02 November 2013 at 12:23
Paul, just love that off-putter from 'nullbymouth'!
'Mac', yes, I wonder if one called round to the father's house and just asked for a fiver because the day had a 'y' in it, how he would re-act? I enjoyed the dance link.
Yes, Dom, but you miss the point, we kicked them all out because of their silly irritating habits - now, dammit, you've sent their habits back!
Posted by: David Duff | Saturday, 02 November 2013 at 12:42
The Scots halloween tradition is much less, how shall I say, nasty and coercive than the American one. Or it was when I went guisin'. My party piece was to do a handstand against the wall and recite a poem. Simultaneously.
Posted by: dearieme | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 00:19
I've always loved Halloween, but then being one of those Americans, what could you really expect. When my four children were little I designed, sewed, glued, stapled, whatever was required, to assemble their costumes with the dedication of professional costume designer. And here I was in America lamenting that last year I didn't get any trick or treaters, but I bought candy with high hopes this year. Maybe a dozen this year to cheer me and keep my hope alive for more next year. I live on a dead end street near the end and few people come down this way, besides those of us who live here.
Posted by: libertybelle | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 03:02
You should have gone on the stage, DM!
LB, sorry but, alas, you are now talking to the Grump of Grumps than which, etc, etc!
Posted by: David Duff | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 12:37
A simple revenge is give them chocolate covered laxatives
JMS
Posted by: Jon McManus | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 14:12
JMS, "you are a very naughty boy" - but I have carefully filed your suggestion!
Posted by: David Duff | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 14:36
The bleeding heart was a stroke of creative genius, topping of course some lame American type "bleeding heart", who handed out a dietary admonition to the chubby trick or treaters advising their parents to refrain from giving said little porky any sweets, lol. Enjoyed all the comments and the post!
Posted by: libertybelle | Sunday, 03 November 2013 at 15:02
Our minister listens to their "piece", whatever it may be, and then hands out new toothbrushes to all the children!! (Yes this is proper Scottish guising not the ghastly American import stuff)
Great ploy - but then his wife is a dental nurse...
Our avoidance strategy for all this? Sit in the back kitchen with all the light off! Aren't we sad?
Posted by: Andrew Duffin | Monday, 04 November 2013 at 12:45
And tonight, Andrew . . . we have fireworks - such fun!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 04 November 2013 at 13:14