Your Monday Funnies: 4.11.13

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually
happen to you,Paddy?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

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A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back
up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to
back.  The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The
Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where
did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if
I could do it first."

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Some one-liners to finish on:

The problem is that 99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.

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Bumper sticker:   "Support Mental Health or I’ll Kill You"

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"Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove
that the other party is unfit to rule —  and both commonly succeed, and are
right."                                                              
H.L. Mencken

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Hear about the terrorist who hijacked a 747 full of  lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Right, that's enough side-splitting jollity for today - now get on with your work! 

  

Comments

[JK]

For the past several years, the National Transportation Safety Board and the NSA have been secretly installing black box recorders in pickup trucks in an effort to determine the circumstances in the last moments of serious accidents.

While "Oh, no!" and "Damn!" were the words most often uttered just prior to a fatal collision in 42 states, the most frequently recorded response in Arkansas was "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something."
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A farmer near Viola [8 miles west] was out plowing the field one day when his wife brought him a lunch. The farmer drove his mule into the shade and sat down nearby to eat his meal. The farmer's wife began to nag him about various minor things, something she did on a regular basis.

Suddenly, the mule kicked out his hind legs, smacked the wife in the back of the head and killed her.

At the funeral several days later, all of the women in attendance walked up to the farmer and he nodded his head. But when the men approached and talked to him, he shook his head in disagreement.
After the funeral, the minister asked the farmer about the conversations.

"Well, all the women said how nice my wife looked and so forth, so I nodded in agreement," the farmer said.

"What about the men?" asked the minister.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[David Duff]

Thank you, JK, nobody tells 'em liken you do!