I'm playing 'Baron Hardup' in this year's Christmas panto and it's my job to make all the kiddie-winkies cry and wet their beds for a week, set Mum against Dad in a series of blistering rows and cause Grandpa to pluck up courage after fifty years of marriage and finally tell Grandma what an old bag she is! To help spread this anti-Yuletide spirit I am sending you all not one but two non-Christmas cards sent forth by our less-than-glorious leaders that will, I am sure, give you indigestion before you even taste the wife's under-cooked turkey - heh-heh-heh! In no order of awfulness, here they are:
There is only one question worth asking after you have gulped down your second scotch, would you actually murder your 'postie' if he delivered these non-Christmas cards to your house? And finally, spare a thought for poor old Jesus Christ. Nailed to a cross where he must have hung in agony until he died, all for a cause which has produced these two dire examples of how not to celebrate his birth!
ADDITIONAL: For the benefit of my e-pal, BOE, who is waiting impatiently for a Christamas card from everybody's mate (unless you are Tory or French) Nigel Farage. Alas, BOE, I couldn't manage a card from 'Nige' but here's one from his new ex-best friend, Godfrey Bloom, complete with bongoes from you-know-where!
I assume that is Mrs. 'Bloomers' with him and not some East European skivvy because I'm sure he realises that you can get servants at a much cheaper rate from, er, Bongo-Bongo-Land!
Incidentally, thanks to Guido for the pictures
Sorry, more ADDITIONAL: Oh God, oh, no, please, no more - they get worse and worse and this is the 'worserer' of the lot:
This exercise of mine today was supposed to ruin your Christmas not mine but this, the naffest of utterly naff non-Christmas cards, has entailed emergency use of a sick-bag!
Her: The people are revolting.
Him: Let them eat Christmas cake - so long as it has an EU authorisation code.
Yet another ADDITIONAL:
That old lech, ooops, I mean, distinguished patron of these equally distinguished coloumns, DM, has requested a Christmas card from former President Sarkozy on account of his allegedly gorgeous wife. Well, nothing is too much bother for the proprietor of this blog in his constant efforts to please his regular visitors. It took a bit of finding and whilst I will always bow to DM's taste in single malts I have to say that his taste in women is, er, eccentric:
He: I 'ave a leetle zing for you, ma cherie, for Chreesmas.
She: Ach, nein, you are not going to stick your French tongue down my throat again!
Um, that is his wife, isn't it? Oh, no, say it ain't so! Ah well, it's off to SpecSavers again . . .
I am hoping for better things from Mr Farage - perhaps leaning at a bar with a pint and a large cigar.......
Posted by: Backofanenvelope | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 10:40
The second one is interesting - Cameron doesn't mind appearing shorter than his wife. Whereas Toni Blair wore "lifts" in his shoes. Say no more.
Posted by: dearieme | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 11:22
I have done my best, BOE, see 'ADDITIONAL' above.
DM, last night some disrespectful swine suggested that from her one-eyed look Mrs. C might have been on the Christmas sherry a bit early. Shockin'! Shockin'!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 11:29
It seems that Mr Farage will be sticking to typical Christmas themes - holly etc. But the stamps will be Christian themed. Bit of a shame really.
Posted by: backofanenvelope | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 12:26
As I understand it Christmas is not a Christian festival at all it was something the Germans did to honour one of their ancient gods. It was the church who hijacked the festival turned it into Jesus's birthday and changed the gods name to St. Nicholas. But then most things the churches do is based on older pagan practices. Being an atheist I have no problem with non godly Christmas cards but nothing against them or Christmas either if it makes people happy. For those of you with a more religious bent I leave you a thought of mine to ponder "religion is the curse of the thinking mind as what the mind does not know it invents".
Posted by: Antisthenes | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 16:44
Shouldn't we alert Social Services to the abominable child cruelty depicted in that first card. I mean the lack of safety harness and dearth of head support for the poor wee mite being hoist on the hip of the female is bad enough, but the casual brutality as they swing the other child regardless of any EU child safety regs demands that these suffering children be taken into the benign care of the state immediately.
The poor wee mite in the second card looks somewhat shy and apprehensive... Not surprising since she's never seen these two strangers before and is eager to get back to her nanny.
Posted by: Kevin B | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 17:18
The Cleggon's is best for the elementary reason that he has the prettiest wife. On which basis, can you show us any from ex-Pres Sarkozy?
Posted by: dearieme | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 18:06
Bring back the ancient gods.
This lot isn't working.
Bah, humbug, etc.
Posted by: Andra | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 18:59
Got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, Andra?
Antis, whilst I appreciate your philosophical insight, the last time I went down that path with old 'Deogolwulf' - now, alas, no longer a member of this religious (dis)order - it went on for weeks and left me with permanent brain-ache!
Kevin, there's a future for you in Social Services!
DM - see my latest 'ADDITIONAL' - we aim to please even if our incompetence often blocks the view!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 10 December 2013 at 19:11