Your Monday Funnies: 16.12.13

I'm composing this on Sunday because I'm off on Monday but I know there will be suicides all over the nation if you don't get your weekly diet of Monday Funnies to start the week! First a couple of 'Oirish' jokes left over from last week:

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, “Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, silent.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.  After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man--God--he's really the
strength of this office.  His talent is simply boundless."

 Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall!

 "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've
represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the
middleweight division of the Olympics.  I have researched the history
of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go fuck
himself."

Well, we've had an 'Oirishman' and an Englishman j0ke so we had better finish with a Scotsman joke or my e-pal Jimmy will complain:

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses
and says,

'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'

 

Back on Tuesday! 

 

Comments

[JK]

Perhaps David, you'll catch this one - although not zactly a proper "funny" - at least insofar as yours [tho' normally nicked from Andra] are, cough, cough, hilarious!

Anyway, I seem to recall (though I can't remember who precisely told me so) you David, occasionally swim as a relaxation technique.

But since you're in the UK - Step #7 can be modified:
______________________________

In case you're having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in psychological journals. It really works and will make you smile.

#1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a rock overhanging a crystal clear mountain stream.

#2 Picture yourself with both hands immersed in the cold running water.

#3 Birds are singing in the cool mountain air.

#4 No one knows your secret place.

#5 You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

#6 The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

#7 The water is so clear you can make out the face of the Congressman [MP] you are holding underwater.
________________________

Did it work?

[JK]

(This to TX - I've "enquired" such as I can. I'll be in touch if possible but it will very likely be in a roundabout way. Too, it most likely will be awhile. Chin up.)

[dearieme]

Andra, I liked the confessional one.

[Andra]

Yes, DM, me too.

[David Duff]

It worked, JK, and the expression on Nick Clegg's face beneath the water as his last lung-full of air burst forth was immensely calming and satisfying!

Andra and DM are obviously exceedingly lavatorial!

[Dom]

Here's an even funnier joke: http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2013/12/creepiest_obama_story_yet_just_got_creepier.html

I'm in hell, David. Get me out of here.

[JK]

Oh I don't know Dom. A face that big'd make for even the visually impaired a helluva dart-board.

Make the right ear double points - the Left, triple.

(If any of Churchill's descendants are available, let 'em throw the first darts.)

[David Duff]

Dom, almost nothing about this Obama regime surprises me but that actually sickens me! And to do it in an embassy as part and parcel of efforts to raise money for a political party - it's putrid. Were I American, JK, I would want to throw more than darts. Mind you, it reminds me of the day 'Hillbilly' arrived at the State Department on her first day as Secretary and hundreds of so-called 'public servants' left their desks and came out to applaud her! Pass the sick bag!