Your Monday Funnies: 2.12.13

My Australian Joke Factory has been working overtime this week so here are some fine specimens to cheer you up as you face another week of drudgery.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ....  A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Two nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.  "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who
we are - show them your cross."

Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross
enough?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The Fable of a Happy Pilot

Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew fighters all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Wiehenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan Rum and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftovers, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool.

And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

A lady visits a fortune teller and in a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare 

yourself to be a widow.

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the

single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop

her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and

asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

 

 

Comments

[dearieme]

I yelped with glee at #4.

[David Duff]

A yelp, no less! Andra will be demanding a bonus!

[Andra]

Well, the mail's very slow. I'm still waiting for the cheque.

[David Duff]

I always send cheques to Australia by sea mail - specifying 'By Sail Only'!