Your Monday Funnies: 23.12.13

Yes, I know they're late this morning but I made a Big Mistake, in fact, Two Big Mistakes.  The first was that in a spirit of yuletide daftness generosity I suggested to the Memsahib that after my early morning swim I would go directly to Sainsburys and pick up the last of the shopping required for Christmas.  "I'll be in by 8.15am," I boasted, "and it'll be nice and quiet."  That was my second mistake!  It was pandemonium!  Fists, feet, elbows and deft use of the trolley were required in order to battle my way round - but some of those old ladies play really rough!  Anyway, if you are actually working today (then change jobs!) I hope these, courtesy of my Australian Joke Factory (which never rests), will cheer you up:

A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think Ill have some Cornflakes.'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*****g Cornflakes!'

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Two elderly ladies, Dorothy and Edna, are chatting.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... SO,  are you telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "NO, NO, NO... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Comments

[dearieme]

Not bad.

Anyway, further to Xmas tuck - this morning my wife counted: we had 14 different cheeses in the house. By this arvo we had 11, since one of the Cheddars, the Gorgonzola and the St Paulin had all vanished. Must have been those bloody elves.

[David Duff]

'Elves'! Yessir, per'aps when you've wiped your lips you could breathe into this bag . . .

[Andra]

Hmmmm. I had thought WE were ahead of you lot but it appears that Christmas comes earlier in Scotland.
Duff, DM, JK, et al, enjoy all the fruits that this season brings and get lots of rest.
Next year's going to be a doozy, I think.
Merry Christmas from Down Under.

[David Duff]

Thank you, Miss, but please, Miss, can we have our cricket team back?

[Andra]

We've sent a swan back for a start. He can start a-swimming and the rest will follow in due course.

[Andra]

And now the Chinaman has chipped in.
As a professional musician his advice is that you should seek singing lessons for the Barmy Army - they are out of tune and flat to boot!
And he means it in the nicest way, dears.

[David Duff]

No, no, you can keep Swann, he's wetter than his feathered namesakes! As for the barmy army, you can keep them, too, they're clinically insane! Well, who would spend all that money when back home it's the Panto Season at a fraction of the price!