The Aussie Joke Factory was dead idle last week, anyone would think it was Christmas! Anyway, I dredged this one up from the past, blew the cobwebs off it and hope that I haven't printed before:
JEWISH MISTRESS
A Jewish man and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a long open mouthed kiss and says to him, "I'll see you later".
"Who the hell was that?" says the wife.
"That was my mistress." says the husband.
"I want a divorce!" says the wife, "This is the last straw! I've had enough."
The husband says, "Alright! You'll get your divorce, but just remember this: There will be no more Winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more shopping trips to Paris, no more Mercedes in the garage, and no more Yacht Club, etc. etc. But the decision is yours!"
Just then a friend of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Moishe?" says the wife.
"That's his mistress", says the husband.
"Ours is much prettier," says the wife.
Here are some New Year's Eve jokes to get you in the mood - these are courtesy of The HuffPo!
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year, I gave up thinking.
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You know it's time for a New Year's resolution to lose weight when you step on a talking scale and it says, "One at a time, please!"
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A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking." The man says, " I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one." "What's phase one?" "I've quit buying."
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And finally, just in case you were not sufficiently depressed:
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for
half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes
the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late
to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my
car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab
to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find
my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my
poison."
I liked the last.
Posted by: dearieme | Monday, 30 December 2013 at 11:00
Well, I suppose one out of five isn't too bad - if you say it quickly!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 30 December 2013 at 13:09
Warm thoughts for your New Year, Y'all!
http://thediplomad.blogspot.com/2013/12/things-that-make-you-laugh-off-to.html
Posted by: JK | Monday, 30 December 2013 at 18:44
My apologies.
I've been busy but I'll try to be a better person, in all ways, next year.
How's that?
And, the complaints box is not closed.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 30 December 2013 at 19:27
Thanks, JK, and yes, I have been enjoying a good chuckle over that ship full of 'warmers' stuck in the ice.
I'm not Lord Gradgrind, Andra, you can always have one a day a year off whilst working for D&N.
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 31 December 2013 at 08:53