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Sunday, 12 January 2014


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Just what is it you lot in Mother Britain get out of this EU thingie?

The more I read of it the more it seems you have handed your sovereignty to a bunch of Eurocrats the like of which in past centuries you spent a fair bit of time and money fighting. For the life of me I cannot see any member country of the EU that the Brits haven't engaged in mortal combat at some time.

I mean they cannot possibly be civilized - they don't play cricket.

10:27 hours GMT. Oz 2 for 225. Need 44 runs off 74 balls.

Sorry David - the Devil made me do it.

In a sense of contrition for the mention of the "c" word I give you -

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9'' high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches back into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag once again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a billow of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... Each person is only allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "'I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Ya know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

Don't worry, AussieD, whilst 0.01 of me cares about the Ashes absolutely none of me gives a toss, full or otherwise, for that wretched 'slog-it-and-run' game, which incidentally, because it attracts so much money these days, I put down as the cause for our 'cricketers' no longer being able to play cricket!

As for the "EU thing", alas, it was merely the latest example of us falling for continental temptations! What began as a means of settling old Franco-German rivalries was quickly taken over by the 'star-gazers' as they dreamed of a 'United States of Europe'. When it crumbles and crashes, as all such man-made political constructions do - stand well back!

To all Australians.

We have been asked ONLY once what we want to do about "Europe". In 1975 we voted to stay in the Common Market. We didn't get a vote on joining. In the 1975 vote, about a third of those who voted, voted to leave. If there was a referendum tomorrow asking In or Out, I would guess myself that about one third would vote to leave. The rest would not vote or would vote to hang on to nurse etc.

I myself would vote to stay in - as long as we had a government with the backbone to stand up for our interests. As this is in the flying pigs sort of future - I would vote to leave.

AussieD, you are giving the proprietor of my other Aussie Joke Factory a bit of competition - I should watch out if I were you, she can be awesome when roused! Anyway, in future, if the jokes are as good as that one, send them by e-mail and I'll include them in my 'Monday Funnies' slot.

Anyway, what is it with you Aussies? Is life so miserable 'down under there' that you need all these jokes to keep going?

"Flying pigs". Hmmmn! Don't look up, BOE!

AnonymousJanuary 12, 2014 at 11:51 AM

I considered doing such on the current post possibly sullying (Diplomad's got a post bidding Sharon proper regards).

(Diplomad, Malcolm, David, fellow Readers, shall have free use):

On my oath I've never seen the term in print nor, have I heard the word uttered. I hereby declare authorship and claim all rights (NYT, WSJ? etc, that includes monies but does not exclude anything other of value) to the following

ChrispyGate™, Chrispygate™, ChrispyGate©, Chrispygate©

and any variations thereof derived from as of the above timestamp.

Arkie, JK

Gatesgate is fair-game.

January 12, 2014 at 12:23 PM

(I was composing a post on this past week's goings-on and "Chrispygate™" slammed into what passes for my mind.

I'd ask fellow Readers - but none necessarily of any of the three blog authors - to, immediately after the 'e' above, enter the alt-code for denoting the trademark. Just press and hold the 'alt' key, tap the numerical keys in this order, 0153 - release the alt key.

If any of the regulars [provided there's an earlier comment posted] on the three sites notices a proceeding use of the term anywhere else, lemme know - I'd love to sue the NYT. We'll share the spoils.


JK, I have it on very good authority (like non-bloody-stop on Fox News!) that the weather in 'Arkieland', in fact everywhere in America except Florida, is freezing cold so it is not a good idea for you to wander off up into 'them thar hills' to find 'good ol' Barney' and his still. The product might be warming but it will not last and in the end the weather will 'git you 'n all'!

Well David, wouldn't you like to share in the proceeds of a moneypot courtesy of the NYT?

That sort of warming wouldn't you think, last long enough to take to the grave?

I'm drooling at the thought, JK, but not holding my breath!

Aussie D, send him all the jokes you can.
Living in Australia, we can only feel sorry for all you poor sods stuck in the UK and we figure you need all the help you can get.
This is our small way of helping you in your hour of need.
By the way, have you brushed the moths out of the long-johns yet?

"Brushed the moths out" Andra?

David's sent me emails asking how to draw moths to. Something to do with, "missing the tinglies of Oldentimes" but, I suspect, his mem'rys of such things as tinglys could be, most likely are, rather than whatever "tinglies" meant during the days of Empire - rather more likely, "some undigested morsel" of something of another.

Probably ... he found one of those cans of Spam he insists we Yanks deserve getting paid for with Piers Morgan Dollars.

(I realize that'll likely be received with some befuddlement.) Here's pictures of a Morgan Dollar. Imagine Piers on the obverse:

Apparently the stables of the horsie-worsies sit on a prime piece of real estate, profitable to "develop".

JK - how big are these Morgan dollars? Could I have one made into a ring? Do they come in gold?

As I understand Andra, Morgan's are diametered according to the holder's passport - and there's the difficulty supposing your ring-size.

Here in the US heck, you'd easily size to a necklace.

Alas in Somerset UK, you'd be limited to a pinkie ring & French sized at that. ... Now were you Andra able to manage a trip to DFW I'm nearly certain, sizing you appropriately & congenially would not be a problem at all.

We'd, you and I Andra only run into problems where exchange rates aren't to your liking, David's £ being far more akin to Messier's Hollando's € equivalencies -

You come to Arkansas Andra the exchange rates are determined quite differently - even though we white fellows know we must Eat the Peach we do so at leisure while maintaining the Black-market exchange rate.

Arkansas being a relatively shortish state where in-come is concerned is made up for by enthusiastic "Leave no job undone" out-come.

Calling for Google translation, please.

I think Google just blew a fuse, Andra! And the global warming around here which is only exceeded by the global wetting means that my long-johns remain in the back of my cupboard.

DM, is that a fact? I wouldn't be surprised, mind you.

G'day David,

I'd love to send you some jokes but I cannot seem to find an e-mail address. Should I stand on my head or is it some clever ploy by MI6?

AussieD, to quote the by now famous ad line, "You should have gone to SpecSavers"! Look on the left-side column and at the bottom of the section headed "Recent Comments" all is revealed!

Uh Oh.

Aussie D?

I'm receiving first from Andra of "near here"

& whatever (when I'm here)

I then receive again from DD.

I'd request AussieD you follow your countrywoman's example (Bcc'ing rather than DD's ClusterBombs)

We "Arkies" can only handle as GawddamnArkies! Any of you pay attention? ... well we did but you fired Wilbur Mills then asked us to accept HillBilly!

Then we sent unto the Earth out of the East (to y'alls East anyway) Arkansas' version of Your Julia Gillard ... & none of us would prefer either. Again!

(Note DD's particular capitalization. That's key!)

Aussie D?

It would appear this Arkie is about to be the recipient of not 22 of you "Under-Where" but soon 23.

Have a care Sir?

(Else you'll have a bikini-clad) Stars & Stripes Hillary in your inbox!

I cannot believe that the US Navy named a capital ship after a (non-elected) president who (according to rumour) couldn't fart and chew gum at the same time!

Perhaps, Alan, that is why it keeps going round in circles! Sorry your original comment appeared in italics, entirely due to JK up above who always forgets to close his italics off on his own comments which I then have to do for him free of charge! But then he is an 'Arkie' and I have it on good authority that you could die of thirst waiting for an Arkie to buy you a drink in a Little Rock bar!

I would vote to get out of the EU. It is a criminal organisation thus the amount of lawyers in Europe defending the criminals. Luckily we got rid of a lot of criminals to Australia as the lawyers would be falling over each other in the EU.

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