Your Monday Funnies: 13.1.14

A 'mix 'n' match' set of Funnies today from a variety of sources.  First, a gentle one from Miss Red:

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 

'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs...'

 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49  because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

 'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once!

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The next one from 'AussieD' appeared in one of the comment threads down below but bears repeating:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9'' high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches back into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag once again. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a billow of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... Each person is only allowed only one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "'I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Ya know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

And this, of course, comes from 'the usual (Aussie) suspect'!

 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.  He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

So she went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Right, that's it, now get back to your work!

 

Comments

[JK]

Young purty girl of Arkansas extraction takes her Irish WolfHound to the veterinarian.

"What's the problem with your big ol' dog Young Lady?" says the vet.

"Well, I'm kinda embarrassed," says she "but when I come home after work and let him outta the pen, this big ol' dog jumps up to my tits, knocks me to my knees and proceeds to hump me."

Vet says, "Easily taken care of Miss, I'll simply neuter your big ol' dog."

"What's a neuter?" asks the Arkie girl.

"I'll," the veterinarian replies, "Give your big ol' dog a little anesthetic and then cut his balls off."

"Cut his balls off!" the Arkie Lass exclaims horrified, "How about you just clip his claws and do something about his breath?"

[Dom]

JK wins this week!

[David Duff]

I think that explains the 'hangdog look' of so many Arkies!

[JK]

Dom's very apparently a man of discernment while you David haven't a clue - dogs are affectionate and understanding and every bitch is attractive. Dogs signal humans when Who's she? is not so much in the mood to talk about otherwise important stuff

like, Fetch Puppy Dog! and a bone is tied to a pumpkin which is then fired out of a pumpkin cannon

http://news.yahoo.com/video/firing-pumpkin-cannon-long-family-155857697.html

leaving the boner to have at some pumpin.

For the life of me I never understood why the Ladies of Britain ever allowed the word "Great" in front of 'em when they knew all along it should've been Hillbillies Britain.

Notice the black folk in the studio. The white gal is ... (well watch her hands after the second shot ...)

[David Duff]

JK, I don't quite know how to put this but the 'news' item in that link was actually more eye-stabbingly tedious than all of Obama's speeches put together! I am thinking of insisting that you place certificate letters next to all your links rather like films do to indicate their content. Perhaps 'T' for tedious, 'B' for boring, 'O' for obscure, 'N' for narcoleptic. Mind you, I am at a loss to know quite how to certify a film on some loon, obviously out of his head on cider, firing pumpkins into the middle distance. And I thought all the cider-loonies lived and worked in Somerset, the cider capital of the world! I am almost tempted to ask what it has to do with dogs but on second thoughts, please, pretty please, don't bother telling me!