Your "Not the Monday Funnies": 12.8.14

Yes, you can breathe again and uncross your fingers for, lo, I am returned!  I hope you managed to get through Monday at the coal face without my 'Funnies' but just to keep you going here are some to keep you going for the rest of the wek:

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.  So, I went to a shrink and told him “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.  “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” 

“How much do you charge?” 

“Eighty pounds per visit,” replied the doctor. 

“I'll sleep on it,” I said. 

Six months later, the doctor met me on the street.  “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. 

“Well, eighty pounds a visit three times a week for a year is £12,480.00.A bartender cured me for £10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car” 

“Is that so,” he said with a bit of an attitude, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?” 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there now.”

Always get your second opinions from a bartender!

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 Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Kiwi sheep farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our flock today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

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And yet more unrepentent, disgraceful 'Blondism' - there oughta' be a law!

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate
when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and
turned around and went home.

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?'  The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida ?????'

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?' 

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

.........................................................................................

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. 

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and  screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

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As an ex-corporal myself I couldn't resist this one:

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance
Coprporals.  Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe, "We're Lance Corporals now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of
gonorrhoea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates
and we're Lance Corporals now! "

Yes, I know, that's the sort of joke that leaves you feeling worse not better but I don't make them up, I just pass them on - a bit like gonorrhoea, I suppose!

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

David, these are some good ones. About the various ladies described in the first cartoons, I'm pretty sure I sorted through most of them before discovering Miss Right...to whom I am still matrimonially attached. Shortly after we were hitched, I learned that Miss Right had a middle name too--Always.

[David Duff]

Good Lord, she's not related to the 'Memsahib' by any chance, is she?

[Whitewall]

David, :)could be but I think this phenomenon might be universal

[jimmy glesga]

David you are demoted to lance comical.