And lo, I come up smelling of roses

 

Now look here, chaps, I'm not going to allow any more of that knee-jerk, Anglosphere, anti-French prejudice!  Not everything the French do is bad; yes, I grant you, most of it is but they do have their saving graces.  One of them was announced recently by Her Majesty's Daily Telegraph and it will be of particular interest to all you flatulent, farting Anglos, Aussies and Arkies - I do not include North Carolina because it is obvious that my e-pal 'Whitewall' is a gentleman of the old school who would walk ten miles to ensure that the whiff of any escaping, er, gas, shale or otherwise, was kept well away from his delicate lady wife.

Anyway the good news is this:

A Frenchman has developed a range of pills aimed at making people’s flatulence   smell sweeter - of chocolate or of roses - which he says will make the perfect Christmas present. 

The 65-year-old artist and inventor says his pills are aimed at easing   indigestion and are made of 100 percent natural ingredients such as fennel,   seaweed and blueberries.

Crikey!  "Fennel, seaweed and blueberries", I can feel my tummy rumbling already!  However, M. Poincheval, knows where-of he invents:

Mr Poincheval said he came up with the idea for the pills one evening when he   was enjoying a hearty meal with some friends. 

“Our farts were so smelly we were nearly suffocated. Something had to be   done,” he said.  

So he began researching natural ingredients that would reduce flatulence and   after months of experimentation came up with the recipe for his pills.

Gosh, if only I had known I would have volunteered to be his, er, test-bed, or to be more accurate, the 'Memsahib' would have volunteered me on the spot!  Anyway, just in time, M. Poincheval, has produced this year's 'must have' Christmas gift:

For this year’s festive season he has added a new product to the range which he has titled “The Father Christmas fart pill that gives your farts the scent of chocolate”.

Commenters, do please try and take this seriously, or at least remember that it is me that does the jokes round here!

 

Comments

[Jerven]

I believe, never having done so gauche a thing, the real issue is not necessarily with the odour but with the noise (pointing the miscreant out for censure).

So maybe one of these will a be on your Santa's list this Christmas too?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LvwYUnSoQo

[Mayfly]

Have you not heard of "Silent but deadly"? As a lady, one has to perfect the art of the silent cheek lifter, particularly at some posh dinner party.

These sounds wonderful pills, I shall away to attempt to purchase them as soon as I can!

[David Duff]

"never having done so gauche a thing" - yeah, yeah, Jerven, we believe you - not! The noise is certainly my problem. We live in a three story house and the Memsahib can hear me up here in the garret from the ground floor kitchen! And she charges me 50p for every misdemenour - it's costing me a fortune!

Miss Mayfly, should we ever share lunch or dinner and I smell roses I shall know who is to blame!

[Uncle Mort]

I'm not so sure about this. Which orifice are the pills intended for?

[Whitewall]

David old pal, Mrs. WW and I are appreciative of your kind words. Since she is, for the moment, gracefully installed on her fainting couch a few feet to my right...I "passed" this to her quietly and footnoted the source. She is impressed with your humor and surprised at the cleverness of the French. We will dispatch a member of house hold staff to fetch some of those pills.

Meantime, this immediately occurred to me and I'm sure it did to others as well:

This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart,
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
And he was redy with his iren hoot,
And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot,
Of gooth the skyn an hande brede aboute,
The hoote kultour brende so his toute,
And for the smert he wende for to dye.
As he were wood, for wo he gan to crye,
"Help! Water! Water! Help for Goddes herte

[JK]

A little help David?

I'm limited to the sites I can peruse. "Flatulence"?

Like; both boards got be planed flatulence they's nailed together?

I don't speak French.

[David Duff]

Now look, Uncle Mort, I'm not going to draw you a diagram!

"Her fainting couch". What a scene that summons forth, like something straight out of 'Gone with the Wind' and the gorgeous Vivien Leigh. And that Chaucer was "a very naughty boy!"

JK, as dear Oscar - such a sweet boy - once said, 'It is our common language that separates us!'

[Andra]

If JK doesn't speak French, what language is it?

Ladies don't fart, but the cat and/or dog does.

[Whitewall]

The cat or the dog got the boot when grand ma' took a toot.

Andra, JK uses an "English" that was caught in the ebb between middle English and modern English.

Ladies don't fart...they don't sweat either. They glow.

[AussieD]

Wasn't it that Northern Englishman, Burns, who uttered [or wrote] the immortal words - "Where ere ye be let ye wind gang free". If that be the case then we should thank Monsieur Poincheval profusely for his invaluable contribution to making the human condition more socially acceptable. A Nobel would be appropriate.

And think of next years Channel range of fragrances - Wild Wind, Fragrant Fart, Serene Sneaker just for starters. There's a quid to be made here.

[Paul Minter]

The French have a history with all things whiffy, don't they?

As well as delicious, if rather pongy, cheeses, such as Livarot or Camembert, M. Joseph Pujol made a career on the Paris stage as a professional flatulist (farter). Better known as 'Le Petomane', an amusing 'documentray' film was made, starring Leonard Rossiter (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gym81fY460).

On first reading this post, I thought immediately of the Miller's Tale. I had to study some of the Canterbury Tales for my English Literature 'O' Level half a century ago and I quite enjoyed it, despite essentially studying the sciences and becoming an engineer. Since Whitewall has thwarted my initial idea of appearing 'cultured', I will quote from the modern day Chaucer, Matt Groening. In one episode he has Bart Simpson declaim :

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So we have beans at every meal.

So beautiful. :)

[David Duff]

"Serene Sneaker" - gotta lurve that one!

I, too, studied Chaucer at school but they only taught us the clean bits! Later in life I found the rest and 'I was shocked, I tell you, shocked'! And Mr. Groening has exceeded the Shakespearean sonnet!