Goodbye, Great Britain - hello, Little England

Before I begin I had better apologise to Her Maj who is, of course, a regular reader of these distinguished columns because she will be displeased at my ideas -  ooops, there goes the ‘Ladyship’ for the ‘Memsahib’ and the Knighthood for me!  However, life in this ‘septic Isle’ has become increasingly irritating recently.  In fact when people ask me why I have become so grumpy I blame it all on “events, dear boy, events”!

I am going to repeat an idea I first mooted a few years ago – no doubt my archivist, ‘JK’, will find the reference once he returns from his Christmas sojourn with Barny Magroo up in ‘them thar hills’.  The fact is, as my title implies, I am fed up with being ‘Great Britain’ and/or the ‘United Kingdom’ when it is now clear beyond debate that we are no long ‘Great’ and nor are we ‘United’.  I gritted my teeth through the non-stop Scottish whining and whingeing which sounded like a thousand hand-held drills biting into sheet metal as they argued over whether or not to dump us English – having first squeezed as much dosh out of us as they can – not a difficult job with ‘Dim Dave’ in charge. To my surprise, they voted against it and whilst that rather depressed me at least, I thought, they can turn those bloody ‘drills’ off and give me some peace and quiet.  Not a bit of it!  Within a week they started up again like a thousand bagpipes playing off key – but still playing the same old tune.

Meanwhile, over in Ulster the thugs, murderers, terrorists and innocent women-killers who constitute half of the ‘government’ of that benighted province are back to their old ways and threatening mayhem if we don’t give them several zillion quid to keep them in the style to which they think they are entitled.  ‘Dim Dave’ was rushed over there just before Christmas so you can tell how serious the situation was and as far as I can tell he emptied his pockets as ordered!

Nearer to home, the Taffs have followed the Jock lead by instituting a novel type of economics in which they promise to give everybody lots and lots for nothing.  Of course, they actually cut spending on their belov-ed Nationalised Health Service because they knew that thousands would simply cross over to England for the treatments unavailable in Wales.  They no longer ask us ‘how deep is your valley’, instead they want know ‘how deep is your pocket’, er, that’s English pockets, needless to say!  I am sick to death of all those bloody Celts and as far as I am concerned they can all sod off!

Were they to do so, of course, it would instantly reduce England to the status of a minor power, a ranking which we have held but never acknowledged for the past thirty years.  We would have to give up our seat on the UN (in)Security Council – hurrah! – which would assist in reminding various prime ministers that they never were, are, or ever will be Winston Churchills.  Prime Ministers with no chance to “strut their hour upon the stage” of international affairs will instead have to concentrate on running England.  Equally, and even more deliciously, we will be able to sack all those useless generals, admirals and air marshals.  Our armed forces will be reduced to concentrating on just three vital areas, electronic warfare (in the widest sense of that phrase), missile defence and a small and highly selective cadre of Special Forces.  (Oh, alright, Your Maj, yes, you can have some ‘wooden-tops’ to troop the colour every year!)

In the meantime, I will require our much reduced government to concentrate on making the City of London even bigger and more prosperous, positively encouraging English commerce in every way – except by offering them subsidies!  All of that, of course, will be easy-peasy when we stick two fingers up to the Brussels/Berlin axis and simply walk away!  What I want is another, bigger and even better Singapore!

One final word by way of warning to all you northerners.  Yes, I am prepared to put up with you so long as you do not emulate those whining ‘Scousers’ who seem to think they are somehow better than the rest of us despite their habit of crushing football supporters to death!  Any moaning or whining from ‘ooop there’ and you can sod off with the Jocks!

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

An England for England...has a nice ring to it. Can you imagine the Scots, Irish and maybe others having to swallow hard and...dare I say....get along on their own? The ripples would cross the Pond. Leaving the UN-SC would be liberating.

[Elizabeth R]

"Before I begin I had better apologise to Her Maj who is, of course, a regular reader of these distinguished columns"

One is neither a reader nor amused.

[Whitewall]

David, you had better hide.

[David Duff]

I grovel, Ma'am, I grovel . . .

(Any spare beds over at your place, Whiters?)

[Whitewall]

David, one is available. The room is secure with a sturdy lock on the door.

[David Duff]

I'll be on the next 'plane!

[AussieD]

And just think of the employment opportunities. Hadrian's Wall will have to be rebuilt to keep out the Picts and Scots as will all the Marcher Castles to control the Taffies. Cornwall won't be difficult to wall off [they are Celts after all]. The Irish are easy as there is all that water to keep them at bay. A bloody great plug in the Chunnel and you are on your own again. While you are downsizing [bloody awful word] we will take Elizabeth R along with Will and Kate and offspring [you can keep Charlie the Twit] as we are more and more wanting to remain a Constitutional Monarchy.

It's a win/win situation all round Duffers.

[Whitewall]

Ahh, AussieD, the Marcher Castles no less!? I'm currently reading an Ellis Peters book about that part of England- her homeland it seems. Many nice photos in the book and some of those castles are "a bit run down". Before daylight, we may just have England "very well, alone then".

[AussieD]

G'day Whitewall,

Trust all is well with you and yours.

I rather like Ellis P's writing. SWMBO and I are planning on inspecting some of those castles in '15. Any found defective we will report to Duffers so he can have repair notices issued.

[Andra]

Hey, people, keep it nice if you would.

I have been waiting patiently for some years now for the nod and/or wink regarding my damedom and I fancy 2015 could be my year, considering my saintly particularly behaviour for the past year or so.

And so, I would ask you riff and raff to keep a low profile for the next month......Queen's birthday honours at the end of January, if you don't mind.

Duff, I am keeping an eye on you in particular .............. please keep yourself under control!!

I have no control at all over JK but I'm hoping they won't notice him, being of the Arkie persuasion.

Anyway, they won't have the faintest idea of how to translate JK speak. I rarely know what the hell is happening in Arkansas, in spite of reading the Arkansas Times from cover to cover.

[backofanenvelope]

The best thing to do, or the least worst, would be to reverse Blair's cunning plan. Just dissolve the devolved assemblies and return to the pre-1997 status. YMD could give the Scots a huge bribe from the money saved.

[David Duff]

'Dame Andra' - yeeees, that has a nice tone to it - I must practice my curtsy!

[Oswald Thake]

Verges on sedition, I'd say.

[David Duff]

No, no, not sedition, Oswald, reality!

[Whitewall]

AussieD...we are well. It looks like there might be resistance to England separating itself. Might take another 24 hours.

[john Malpas]

Soon scotch all these plans. The EU coulod turn London into some version of Hong Kong. The rest of England/UK would then be a parking l;ot of assorted EU workers.

[Pops]

Better hope the Falklands doesn't light up again. I read on a Russian website that they are selling bombers to Argentina.

[David Duff]

Well, Pops, the only good news is that I don't think the Argies have got the money to fill the fuel tanks. Mind you, if it ever does kick off again down there then the Falklanders are on their own because the best we could do is to employ some of those useless admirals to row a boat down there!

[KevinS]

Can I point out that it's the "RED" Scousers who do the wall pushing over. Don't go tarring the Blue supporters with the same brush!

[David Duff]

Quite so, Kevin, and so long as they don't nick each other's shirts I shall know the difference!

[KevinS]

Touche David :)

[JK]

Appears the Argies getting the Sukhoi 24s required getting prospective pilots too.

http://www.climatedepot.com/2014/12/29/orangutan-declared-non-human-person-in-argentina/