Yes, I'm afraid they are all exceedingly appalling but, alas, as you regulars may have noticed, this blog has fallen under extreme Aussie influence which I am unable to counter. I had intended to repeat my usual practice of pasting in a magnificent photograph (er, modesty forbids and all that sort of thing) of St. John's Church, Milborne Port, as seen through a snow storm. In fact this photo has been the basis of my privately printed Christmas cards for the last three years but now some of my more, er, forthright 'friends' are telling me that they are bored stiff with it! Honestly, talk about 'casting pearls before swine'!
Anyway, in a complete reversal of tone I offer you these Aussie suggestions for things you can only say on Christmas Day. I apologise for them but in their defence I can only say that they are funnier than the jokes you will find in your Christmas crackers!
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
See what I mean?
Trying as always to be helpful, can I alert you to a post on BiasedBBC? Long list of misdeeds by UKIP, Labour, Tory and Libdems. Sure there is something there for you.
Posted by: backofanenvelope | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 12:11
Nah! Can't be bothered, let's have another warm mince pie and glass of wine!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 14:31
Those Aussies always seem to have a leg up on certain things. Maybe it is skill or talent? Nah, can't be. Must be the advantage of daylight so soon. These offerings are quite good even so.
Posted by: Whitewall | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 14:40
More like a leg over from what I've heard!
BOE, you might enjoy this:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/ukip/11310135/Nigel-Farage-and-Ukips-crybabies-need-to-learn-to-take-criticism.html
On the other hand,you might prefer to stick to the sherry!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 15:02
Sherry!!!!!
Posted by: backofanenvelope | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 16:30
Well, your middle name is Petunia, isn't it?
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 23 December 2014 at 21:05
What can one say. It is just a matter of "coof and culchure" naturally associated with being an Aussie.
Happy Channukah and Happy Christmas all.
May all your toddies be big ones
Posted by: AussieD | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 00:22
Yeah, we have more couth than you bunch of KIPPERS or whatever it is.
You lot should get a bit of decorum into youse.
Posted by: Andra | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 02:43
G'day All,
A Happy Hannukah and Merry Christmas to all.
Not sure what you do about these things in Arkansas JK but have a good time anyway.
Whitewall I guess you are looking at that mythical beast for us - a white Christmas.
Kol tuv
David a.k.a AussieD
Posted by: AussieD | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 09:30
Merry Christmas, Duffy - and thanks for the entertainment over the year. Btw, an Aussie has even won Pointman's keenly contested'Climate Prat of the Year!'
www.thepointman.wordpress.com
Oswald.
Posted by: Oswald Thake | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 09:55
'Decorum'? What's that? A new floor cleaner?
Your multi-religious good wishes are much appreciated, AussieD, and I hope you and yours have a splendid time.
Oswald, that link was the best Christmas present I am likely to receive this year - thanks! Boy, can that fella' write!
Posted by: David Duff | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 12:55
AussieD...we are hoping. In the meantime, Happy Hannukah.
Posted by: Whitewall | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 14:38
Hello David and a Merry Xmas to you and all. The mrs had good laugh at your above so it must be funny as she is a prude! The old computer has been a gonner as well as my body for some time now. Thanks for your concern in a previous post. I look forward to a good 2015. I managed Ypres earlier this year and did the Whitehall parade with some old RAOC mates. This tablet the mrs bought for my birthday is excellent but we hope to get the new computer up and running soon. I wish you and your readers a good New Year.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 22:32
Well done, Jimmy, and we all look forward to hearing from you on a regular basis when you have mastered the new machine.
Posted by: David Duff | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 10:18