Your Monday Funnies: 8.12.14

Oh God, now I've got 'Pops' in a comment thread below nagging me because the Monday Funnies are late!  Quite right, of course, and I have no excuse except galloping inertia.  So, no excuses, let's 'crack on'.  This first is disgracefully 'Australianist' and no doubt I will be visited by the Aussie Race Relations Board:

An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man
on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kms further on, he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and
went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar
and noticed a one-legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care
in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said:"What sort of country is
this? A few kms down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and
that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view  of everyone. 

The barman said, "You heartless Pommie bastard. He's only got one leg. How
do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:'Now don't be silly dear, you
know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman,
can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to
his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,'Does your husband always talk to
you this way, Ma'am?'


(I love this part....)


'Only when he's pissed.'

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

 

Very Scary:

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,  MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary.........

 

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

And now, to make up for my earlier idleness, a selection of 'quickies':

 

This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,  "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find  out."

I mean, when you are over sixty, who gives a  shit?

.........................................................................................

I was telling a  girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day
a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. 

"Really" she  said, "Go on then...try." 

After about  thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,

"Come on, what day was I born?" 

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are  over sixty, who gives a  shit?

.....................................................................................

I got caught  taking a pee in the local swimming pool 
today.  

The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.  

When you are  over sixty, who gives a shit?

....................................................................................

I went to the  pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I

said, "Nice legs." 

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think
so?" 

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


Honestly, when you are over sixty, who really gives a shit?

...................................................................

 

Right, that's it, get on with your work - and that includes you, Pops!

 

 

Comments

[Whitewall]

Well David, you may or may not hear from the ARRB office, but I'll bet the activists for sensitivity toward kangaroos will be all over you. Not to mention the spokes people for one legged men...and I guess it goes without saying that the one armed men also have their advocates. Especially if the missing arm is on the wrong side....

[David Duff]

"Especially if the missing arm is on the wrong side...."

Love it!

[missred]

Ha! Thanks
AFter 154 weeks of unemployment I am discovering what gems are: Fridays, weekends, and the Monday funnies!

[Whitewall]

Missred..with some more practice you might get good at that "unemployment".

[Pops]

Thanks for posting the Funnies. I actually look forward to Monday, thanks to you. You are doing a wonderful job with your blog. I hope your readership is increasing. Keep up the great work. Hope you get a pet kangaroo for Christmas.

[David Duff]

Well done, Miss Red, and I can't believe that it took employers 154 weeks to discover your myriad talents,

Thanks, Pops, and actually I have been wondering about a Xmas parcel that was delivered but which will not stay still under the Xmas tree - it keeps bouncing around all over the place. I fear the worst!

[Andra]

Pops, I think a kangaroo might be rather large for the Duff domain. The tail rather tends to knock things off shelves.
However, we do have a surplus of wallabies around here (mini-kangas) and one of those might do nicely.
David, just say the word and one will be hopping your way.
The pouch would come in handy for all kinds of illicit goods.

[David Duff]

No, no, Andra, I want one of those cute, cuddly-thingies that you can be photographed with and then put the messy thing back up a tree.