Well, my little wage slaves, thus begins your first full week back at the coal face. I hope these cheer you up. This blog prizes itself on its in-depth reportage of the pop scene and so I begin with the Top Ten Country 'n' Western songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!” or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day ... and then 2 days, and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ....
"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing' ship?"
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5 undeniable facts:
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Bonus fact ............I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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There, that's cheered you all up on this damp, chilly Monday morning, hasn't it? Er, sorry, didn't quite catch that . . .
From 2008;
http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/015/791jsebl.asp?page=1
Will Rogers Will Rogers !!!
Posted by: JK | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 10:51
Genuine name for a Country and Western song which my mother has in her possession : "Don't roll those blood shot eyes at me".
Posted by: Mayfly | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 12:08
I believe, Mayfly, that the second line goes something like 'I can't roll my bloodshot eyes, cos it hurts too damned much!'
JK, I'm always pleased to read P. J. O'Rourke but alas the connection to Will Rogers and my Monday Funnies escapes me. Explain, please!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 12:36
These funnies are top notch! I must pilfer several of them without shame.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 13:26
Don't praise them too highly, Whitewall, my script-writers will only want more money!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 14:20
Excellent start to the year, Duffers.
Let's hope we can keep it up.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 19:40
My fault (a first here)!
Will Robinson! Will Robinson!
Hope David, you've no aching noggin.
Posted by: JK | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 22:44
See, I told you. Too much brandy in the Plum Duff!!
JK made a blooper, JK made a blooper.
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
It's the naughty corner for you, my friend!!
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 05 January 2015 at 23:17
I actually look forward to Mondays. Thanks for the laughs. Here's one for you -
A couple is excited to go on vacation to Hawaii.
The wife says, we pronounce it :Ha"-waii, the husband says, "No, it is pronounced, "Ha-vaii".
They see an elderly couple crossing a bridge and ask them, "Excuse me Ma'am and Sir, "Do we say Ha-waii or Ha-vaii?"
The older couple answers, "Havaii"
Thank you!" Answers the young couple.
Posted by: Pops | Tuesday, 06 January 2015 at 10:30
Hah - the punch line didn't make it
"Your velcome" the elders answer
Posted by: Pops | Tuesday, 06 January 2015 at 10:31
Well done, Pops, although missing a punch-line would have got you booed at the Comedy Club! In future, if you have any 'Funnies', e-mail them to me. I don't promise to publish everyone, just those I can find first thing on a Monday morning.
JK in the 'naughty corner', an image to relish!
Posted by: David Duff | Tuesday, 06 January 2015 at 15:36