Your Monday Funnies: 30.3.15

And if I'm late it's not my fault, someone's been changing all the bloody clocks and I don't know where I am!

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.  He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" 

The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" 

All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. 

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" 

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!" 

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. 

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Twenty" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the twenty rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 12 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought twenty rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 12 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

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An Irish Miracle?

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.  He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. 

But he won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.  He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.  Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

 

Right, that's your lot but before you get back to work can anyone tell me the right time?

 

 

Comments

[BennyB]

It's 9:32

[David Duff]

No it's not, your comment was timed at 9.34! But thanks anyway, Benny, and I have just remembered one good thing about this clock nonsense, the clock in my car which years ago I gave up trying to change - well, I would need to go to night school! - will now provide the correct time for the next six months! How am I so pathetic, let me count the ways!

[Oswald Thake]

Er, for the next seven months, actually.

[David Duff]

Grrrrrh! Can't I get anything right?