DUFF & NONSENSE!

'Didja see me, didja, didja?'

Continuing my previous post on last night's televised election debate by 96 party leaders, no, I'm sorry, you didn't see me speaking for Duff's Poor Children's' Beer Alliance (DPCBA) because the bastards put me out in the car park with a soap-box!  They reckoned that my number of supporters was too small for me to earn a place inside the TV studio, despite me telling them that my organ (look, I do the jokes round here!) reaches a regular readership of, er, well, really, really, big numbers as far away as Arkansas, Russia and the 'outback down under there'.  All to no avail, so I am afraid you were left with the dregs of seven 'wannabe' prime ministers, well, five, actually because 'Mrs. MacMidget' (Scots Nuts) and 'Myfanwy Price from Llareggub' (Taff Nuts) simply wanted to walk away from Britain and ruin their homelands all on their own.

I only watched the last hour and it was all so, so, predictable.  The Greenie lady was green behind the ears, Milipede was as goofy-looking as usual, 'our Nige' only lacked a pint of beer in hand to provide the full Saloon Bar bore character he plays so well, the 'Kleggeron' tried to go all honest and sincere and thus convinced me what a fully-fledged lying liar he is and 'Dim Dave' was, well, dim. Dave really should have followed in the tracks of so many of his Old Etonian chums and gone in for flogging second-hand Bentleys and Rollers.  His worried frown and pouting pursed lips would have convinced the average punter that he sincerely cared that they purchased just the right heap of junk  one lady owner, low mileage car to suit their needs, er, and his monthly bonus target.  However, like all the other 'contestants' in this game show, he and they showered the audience, that is, the British electorate, with all the bribes they wanted to hear about forbearing to mention, of course, that the bribes would be paid for out of the voters' pockets.

I doubt if anyone's mind was changed by last night's effort, certainly mine wasn't.  Reluctantly and without enthusiasm, I will vote Conservative and pray that my forecast (yes, yes, I know!) that in the privacy of the ballot box minds will be concentrated wonderfully and a majority of voters will stick with a Tory government that, whilst it lacks "that vision thang" at least has accumulated some experience. 

 

In case you're not sleeping well

You could always tune in and watch tonight's election special in which 38 party leaders 'debate' the issues of the day - oi! - hang on! - where are you going? - this is important, dammit!  Honestly, some people have no sense of civic duty.  This will be a fascinating debate in which the 47 party leaders each have 11.7 seconds to repeat their party mantras without using the first person singular.  Then the 52 party leaders will face questions from individual members of the audience.  These questions, most of which will be incomprehensible, will only be allowed to last up to half an hour each.  As the TV debate is being held 'oooop north', simultaneous translations will be available and, of course, there will be one of those blokes in the back ground suffering with St. Vitus' Dance syndrome and waving his arms about.

If you remain unconvinced to give up the pub for one night in your life and instead to attempt to educate yourselves in the finer points of British political discourse, then I have great news for you.  There has been a late addition to the 63 party leaders on the panel because, and here modesty forbids and all that, but the leader of Duff's Poor Childrens' Beer Alliance (DPCBA) has graciously acquiesced and agreed to take part.  Now, I don't want any of you lot ringing in to the programme and asking me what I fall down on just because, as leader of the DPCBA, I do rather more falling down than standing up for things.  Suffice to say, that the DPCBA stands on a single platform in which we promise, you the people (too ghastly!), that when I assume office I will cut the duty on beer to 0.0%.  Actually, there is a second policy (well, I only just thought of it) that all OAPs will be entitled to a free pint of beer every night.

So, I look forward to hearing from you tonight along with the other 86 crashing bores and incompetents.  I thank you!

Strange how quiet it is 'over there'

They're a funny old lot 'over there'.  A security guard shoots dead a black man who is beating his head against a kerbstone and a police officer shoots dead another black man who is attacking him with intent to steal his gun.  Cue:  SHLOCK-HORROR headlines, huge protests in cities cross the land, Al Sharpton stops counting his money in order to hurry to the scenes, Jesse Jackson likewise, Eric Holder  instantly forms a hit squad of DoJ lawyers to mount a case against every white man they can find within a ten mile radius of the shootings and, finally, 'President Poofter' sticks his nose even further into the air before dropping remarks likely to influence the outcome of any court case.  And yet ... and yet  ...

Last Saturday in Florida in a single incident, not one but seven blacks were shot and wounded, three critically.  So where was the mass screaming outrage from the American media?  Where was the Sharpton & Jackson Show?  Where were all those bleeding heart liberal twits who can be relied upon to carry banners even if they can't read them?  Not a sign of any of them and 'President Poofter' was far too busy practicing his golf swing. 

So why the lack of outrage?  Simple.  The shooter was a black man!  Need I say more?  Read Alan West's blog for further and better particulars, as they say.

 

Now the 'Scots Nuts' can't even rely on their whisky exports

So, as the Scottish oil industry vanishes along with Alec Salmond’s smug smirk, now he has even more problems – sales of Scotch whisky have fallen.  Yes, I know, MacShockin’, MacShockin’ but I blame the Yanks!  According to Ms. Rebecca Burn-Callender in The Telegraph - and by the way, chaps, she looks a real sweetie so I’m feeling better about my £60 already – exports to America have dropped by 9%!  You would have thought that after six years of Obama and the prospect of 18 months non-stop electioneering (and we moan about five weeks!) plus the prospect of ‘HillBilly’ leading the nation that they would need all the Scotch they could swallow!  However, I do have it from an impeccable source in Arkansas – no, no, I will not divulge his name – that much of the blame can be laid at the door of Mr. Barney Magroo who has flooded the American market with what purports to be vintage single malt - kept in the barrel overnight - yes, as long as that!   

 

 

                           Before                                                                                                 After

So, with worldwide falling sales of whisky plus the Scottish oil industry being forced to sell at rock bottom prices and thus relying on support from London, no wonder 'Smug Alex' looks a bit down in the dumps.  Never mind, Alex, have a wee dram, it'll cheer you up!  

 

 

Bad luck, Goodluck, and good luck Nigeria

This being April 1st I wondered if the result of the Nigerian election was simply an elaborate April Fool joke but, no, apparently Mr. Goodluck Jonathan, the former president, has handed over the moneybags keys of office to his opponent, ex-General Muhammadu Buhari, following an election which was, by African standards, reasonably  fair and square.  But the extraordinary thing of it all is that this is the first time in Nigeria's history as an independent country that one regime has handed over power to another following an election.  I hesitate to write much - anything, really - about Nigeria given my abysmal ignorance of the country.  I await some experienced opinion from my e-pal Tim Newman who spent some time there in the oil industry.  (Come on, Newman, stop slacking around all those Parisian restaurants and tell us what you think!)

From the very little I know of Buhari's past record the omens are not good.  He has two major crises to face, Boko Haram and endemic corruption.  His military background might help with the former but how anyone can deal with the latter is beyond me.  It seems to me that when corruption reaches the scale of that in Nigeria where it permeates every facet of life from top to bottom, then it becomes part of the economy and any effort to hack it back will have severe effects on everyone - so good luck with that one, Muhammadu!

By the way, you will notice that at long last I have corrected my gross error by adding 'Africa' to my 'Category' list.  Better late than never!