In between doing this, that and the other today, I have been pondering on the extraordinary result of our election. Alas, I cannot write a beautifully crafted essay filled with subtle insights into the political miasma of the sort you might read in, say, The Telegraph or The Spectator so you will have to make do with my inelegant grunts and grumbles. Not that I have many grumbles, the result just about met my hopes with a Tory majority of ten. With his anti-EU wing this will be enough to keep Dave honest when it comes to the renegotiation with Berlin-Brussels but equally it will keep the hot-heads in check because they will be surrounded by pro-European parties eager to leap in to any Tory gap. As far as I am concerned, Europe is the be all and end all of this forthcoming parliament. We will get our referendum and it will be fascinating to see this massive game of poker developing. I very much doubt whether Dave will produce too much in the way of an improvement even with his Right-wingers hounding him. Will they have what it takes to bring down a Tory government? I doubt it! But on the other hand Dave dare not take too many chances. In Berlin-Brussels, of course, they will be weighing up just how little they need to give Dave to keep him and his party sweet. Hanging over it all like a dark cloud over a picnic will be the ramifications of a 'Grexit'! It is all absolutely fascinating, well, it is to political nerds like me.
The other dark cloud, of course, has a tartan hue! It is an irony of almost orgasmic proportions that the very success of the 'Scots Nuts' has ruined their main aim of independence. By decimating Labour in Scotland they let the Tories stroll into a Westminster majority so they now have a party in government over whom they have precisely nil influence. Yes, they can shout and holler and even play the bagpipes but equally Dave can, if he wishes, simply ignore them. Actually, I suspect he will do the opposite. He will act like the Eton-educated gent that he is, remaining at all times polite and reasonable whilst giving the 'Scots Nuts' the one thing they will not know what to do with - responsibility! Yes, he will grant them the 'freedom' to raise their own taxes and spend them as they see fit and then sit back whilst everything in bonny Scotland goes 'MacTits up'! If he is shrewd he will get the Tory party to increase their financial support to the Scottish wing of their party and encourage them to start now at ground level pointing out all the mistakes and stupidities that nutty Lefties always make. For example, in Wales under Labour, the NHS is in a total mess and people are moving to England in order to get treatment. The result - the Tories won three seats inside Wales! It will take time because the Jocks tend to be not just stupid but stubbornly stupid. This is a help in war but a disadvantage in politics!
As to the rest, Dave needs to reinforce the efforts Alan Duncan-Smith and his team as they press home their changes to our corrupting welfare system. It was their efforts which, I suspect, brought in a lot of non-Tory sympathisers inside the privacy of the voting booths. He needs to get rid of that silly woman who took over from the excellent Michael Gove at Education. She is half-hearted at best and seems incapable of taking on the educational 'blob' made up of unions and bureaucrats. I would like to see Said Javid moved in there. He, I believe, or at least I hope, will be a future leader of the Tory party. Immigration will also require a tough operator capable of ramming things down the civil servants' throats and with a team beneath him who can ensure that orders are actually carried out! This, of course, will be a key part of the negotiations with Berlin-Brussels where free movement of labour is sacrosanct. I suspect that Dave will lack the balls to insist on radical changes to the existing treaty but that might be an area where his Right-wingers can exert pressure on him! Finally, on the NHS he needs a man or woman of great subtlety, someone who can make all the right noises - there, there, my little NHS, keep taking the pills and you'll feel better in the morning - whilst at the same time privatising as much of it as possible!
Well, there you are, Prime Minister, that's my advice ... er, sorry -... did you say something? Well, that's not very Etonian!
Oooops, I almost forgot! Please be charitable and in this, his hour of dreadful anguish, please spare a thought for poor Len McCluskey of the UNITE union, although it might not be quite so united given the 'ga-zillions' of his members' dosh that he handed over to Ed Miliband. Sorry to repeat an old favourite but really, 'it would take a heart of stone not to burst out laughing'!
http://uk.reuters.com/article/2015/05/08/uk-britain-election-penis-idUKKBN0NT1YP20150508
Posted by: JK | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 20:11
DC has noticed too...http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/4-ways-the-british-elections-have-changed-everything/ar-BBjqs1F?ocid=thanksDHP#page=1
Posted by: Whitewall | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 21:15
Reminds me of the recruiting scene from Henry IV, part 2:
"FALSTAFF:
Shadow will serve for summer; prick him, for we have
a number of shadows to fill up the muster-book."
And later:
"FALSTAFF
Is thy name Wart?
WART
Yea, sir.
FALSTAFF
Thou art a very ragged wart.
SHALLOW
Shall I prick him down, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
It were superfluous; for his apparel is built upon
his back and the whole frame stands upon pins:
prick him no more."
Posted by: David Duff | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 21:19
That's the trouble with journos these days, they just swallow anything they're told.
"Austerity"? There hasn't been any! Yes, the deficit has been reduced - very slightly year on year - but the national debt continues to rise. The only difference is that the Tories only spend money like half-drunk sailors, Labour would go the whole hog!
Posted by: David Duff | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 21:31
He could do worse than offer Nigel Forage a consultancy within the Cabinet Office. The fact that a third more people in the UK voted UKIP than Lib Dim should show him that some of their policies are worth considering.
Posted by: Penseivat | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 21:33
The WAPO like most of the MSM is terrified of the "austerity" word. Especially if, as you said, "there hasn't been any".
Posted by: Whitewall | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 22:15
Cameron should not give any more handouts to Scotland. It is time the Scottish Government used its tax raising powers or admit they agree with austerity.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 22:16
There are two issues which you've missed out David: First, Energy. Unless we squash the insanely hubristic Climate Change Act then little else matters. When we're freezing in the dark, unable to shop because the stupid tills don't work and we can't get on the web to order from Ocado, then what the boys and girls in Westminster get up to is of little consequence.
It's true that the defeat of Davey and the rest of the lib dems, (oh dear, how sad, never mind), gives dim Dave the chance to dump all the 'green crap', but will he take it? Answers on a postcard to Samatha Cameron, 10 Downing Street, London SE1.
The other great issue is the 'bonfire of the quangos'. It is truly amazing that we pay so many people six figure salaries, (and more), to tell us how stupid we are and how much better they can live our lives than we can.
Dave, burn the fuckers! Take off and nuke them from orbit! It's the only way to be sure!
Posted by: Kevin B | Friday, 08 May 2015 at 23:06
Kevin quangos are a middle class invention where middle class people invent jobs at the discretion of the government. After a while they chop some of the jobs and those chopped get large pay offs. And then they discretely move to another quango and another payoff.
Scottish Enterprise is the classic case. We were never told how many real jobs were created or how many start up businesses were helped. But millions were spent on redundancy and pensions. Nice we earner.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 00:21
David in your exuberance you got Dunkies first name wrong. The man was a Guardsman so do get it right.
Posted by: jimmy glesga | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 00:40
Calm down, Kevin dear, you've been playing those video games again! Even so, You're quite right about the greenery nonsense but still, an imperfect world is always improved by the lack of a Davey! And you're even 'more right' about those quangos. Actually, it will be fascinating to see how Dave conducts his government now that he lacks the Lib-Dems as an excuse for doing daft things!
Posted by: David Duff | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 06:39
The error in your thinking is that YMD believes in the same things as Mr Petulance!
Posted by: Backofanenvelope | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 07:27
"Mr Petulance"?????
Posted by: David Duff | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 08:01
This actually happened? If so, the elections went better than I thought. Tory victory sparks #LondonRiots; Sore losers ‘need intensive lessons in democracy’
Posted by: Whitewall | Saturday, 09 May 2015 at 23:00