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Monday, 18 May 2015

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It's always good to have somebody to blame.

What I really need is an endless supply of StBs. I suppose I should have had more children. :)

Well, that's pretty funny.

Why couldn't you have subbed out the Monday Funnies to S. o. D? Of course, his selection wouldn't match your own impeccable taste!
Meanwhile, check out this site http://www.cityunslicker.co.uk/ and note his final recommendation!

Will next Monday's joke be the same one?

OK, cometh the hour, cometh the nerd.

I have extracted this anecdote from an anthology called 'The War In The Air' by Gavin Lyall. Sir Phillip Joubert, the author of the anecdote, was Commander-in-Chief of RAF Coastal Command from 1941 to 1943.

The key phrase in this story is "it was a depth-charge", and you may find it amusing to try to anticipate where in the narrative these words will occur.

"Another engagement with a U-boat that took place south of Iceland had an unusual sequel. A Catalina aircraft spotted a submarine and attacked. One of the 'stick' of depth-charges hit the vessel and lodged in the deck gratings, the other three exploding harmlessly at a distance. Apparently the captain of the U-boat decided not to dive until he had got rid of the unwelcome object lodged under his deck, and sent a rating to remove it. This bright lad, instead of getting the armourer to remove the fuse and make the charge harmless, dropped it over the side, where, since it was a depth-charge, it blew up and sank the U-boat. Some of the crew who lived to tell the story were picked up by a Naval vessel in which was travelling the First Lord of the Amdiralty, Mr Alexander."

When I first heard this it was " the sub that sank itself" as the captain did actually dive the sub.

Young lady type person walks with her dog into a North Carolina veterinarian's office.

Vet asks, "What's the problem Miss?"

"Not my problem rather I'm thinking it's my dog's."

"What's the problem with your dog Miss?"

"Ever time I come home from work, my dog meets up at the door knocks me to my knees an goes humpin' like we'uz on really like, friendly terms."
____________

"I see," says the vet, "We'll just castrate your dog."

"Castrate?" querying like, "What's castrate?"

"You Miss, lift your dog onto the table, we'll knock him out then cut his balls off?"
____________

"We'll knock him put? Not likely!"

"No Miss. You lift him onto the table, I give him a shot and your dog's knocked out sleep-like then I'll cut his balls off."

"Cut his balls off?" says she, "That sound like more'n a little hint of hurt."

"Probably Miss, your dog ain't gonna hunt for a few days. But after he ain't never gonna flip your skirt overn't your head again."

"Ain't gonna hunt? !!! Too damn drastic Doc -

How's 'bout you jes clip his nails and do something about his breath?"

Some Grouchoisms to go on with.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough

Oh God, I really am redundant!

Thank you one and all. I hope to write a post this afternoon and it will be of stunning unoriginality - so no change there, then!

Nah. We're OK..... just carry on.

Somehow I think our host might be having a good time, even without us- Gasp!

You're not involved in that pensioners' jewel heist are you?
Is that why you left the country in such a hurry?

For God's sake, Andrea, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Andrea... Andrea..... who's Andrea?

Is that your plea to Mr Cottonpickinwick.....

"Sorry M'lud, I'm just a senile old coot and I think my name's Donald, er, Derwent, er Dangling, ah."

Now, look here, Andrew, I will not' be spoken to in that tone of voice! You have no idea of the complexity of this 'i-pod-pud-pad-do-flicker-thingie' which Sod has inflicted on me to send me mad!

Too late!

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