A rather heart-warming story to begin with:
A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, to inquire about adopting a child.
The interviewing social workers are however a bit doubtful about their accommodation given the circus background.
The couple produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the standard of education that would be provided.
"We'll employ an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills", the couple advise.
There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they said, "so long as he fits in the cannon"
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A doctor addressing a large audience in Oxford opens the floor for questions.
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".
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A HEART SURGEON
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone."
One day Tyrone's mama came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mama honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
The mom was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.
And you thought Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon!
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A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
There Andra There David gives Washington DC!
"It doesn't really matter so long as, he fits in the cannon."
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I admit very difficult to translate Arkianese into Queensland's Cairns into Washington DC and then, reversed all that back into original.
(Like I need that "Sign Languager" from where was it, the Marshall Islands or someplace to hand-signal me & you Andra.
Or. Was it you Andra to me?)
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Fuck it, it's Monday. Let me enjoy the rest of whatever David stole from either me or you.
In Blessed Silence or, blog-speak, no Retort-comment. Pretty Please Andra?
Posted by: JK | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 10:39
Forgive me Andra I beg?
I don't know y'all down-there has such as We up-heren't but Ourn't ever-so-preparent Memorial Day Watermelons & Fried Chicken Shuckin' & Jiven' Security-Review is takin' place
'N we'nt much enjoy our'n Hand-Speaker - unless maybe in Ferguson or Baltimore where the hand signs're plain - Anyway, no repeat of this Guy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StEFnh18zRk
(Of course it's the US President so who gives a fuck anyway).
Posted by: JK | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 11:12
BOE?
http://foxtrotalpha.jalopnik.com/the-last-avro-vulcan-bomber-flying-just-pulled-off-an-a-1718892290
Posted by: JK | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 12:01
Thanks for the smiles, dear duffers, but what is up with JK? Has the moonshine caught up with him?
Posted by: missred | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 15:05
JK, I'm not sure. I'll have to get back to you on that.
In the meantime stop sniffing whatever it is you're sniffing.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 19:53
Fear not, Miss Red, with JK it's not so much moonshine as the position of the moon in relation to the other planets, or something like that. Either that or Barny Magroo is adding something to his, er, recipes!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 20:43
Love the translation of the young Turks youtube thingie. Thanks JK.
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 20 July 2015 at 23:19