It's pissing down with rain - again - so after I have done my duty and cheered up all you wage-slaves as you arrive in your offices - please don't drip on the carpet! - I'm going back to bed!
A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the secretary,
"I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir.. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him
of her situation.
The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in
the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of
this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
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Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
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I was standing in a bar in Cairns, North Queensland and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
“No”, I said, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slanty eyed little prick.
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Here are some 'Oirish' quickies:
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making
love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."
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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to
drill for their own oil.
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Right, you must have dried off by now so get on with your work!
Two hundred million bucks...and THAT folks is how you transform a Baptist Church into the flock of "Reformed Baptists".
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 27 July 2015 at 13:15
Another good selection Duffers.
Isn't it Summer there?
Posted by: Andra | Monday, 27 July 2015 at 19:17
Allegedly, Andra, but no-one told the Met Office!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 27 July 2015 at 21:24