Not much time this morning as we prepare for a day out at one of the most exciting places in Dorset - Sutton Poyntz. Yeeeeees, quite, as well as speaking incomprehensibly they're not too hot on spelling either down here in the south west but I blame the Romans who were responsible for much of Dorchester which is close by. Anyway, here are your Funnies and the first, of course, is in the worst possible taste - so no change there, then:
Effective suicide counselling:
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by, stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Sod off! You filthy old bastard!
He shrugged and turned away, saying "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump.........
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Nightmare Dinner Party
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no
mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum, "I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."
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This is grossly Kiwi-ist - so you can guess where it comes from!
Barry, the Aussie builder, was going through a house he had just built, with the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up!" As he went back she said the next room was to be red.
The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up!" Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan."
And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up!" The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell "Green side up." What do you say that for?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Kiwi’s laying turf out front."
Right, back to work! I'm off to sample the strange delights of Sutton Poynz - so long as I can convince my satnav that it's not a spelling mistake!
At least that woman about to jump recovered her dignity in time.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 13:07
No matter how you spell it, Sutton Poyntz looks cozy and comfortable to me.
Posted by: Whitewall | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 13:16
I just googled up some images of Sutton Poyntz. Every shot looks like a postcard. Beautiful! Have fun.
Posted by: Dom | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 14:56
And 'dignity' is everything, 'Whiters'. Sutton Poyntz was as gorgeous as I remember it. I only discovered it a few months ago when I went to give the ladies of the local Women's Institute a talk entitled "Will's Women: A Nun, a Tart & a Dark Lady". They promptly organised a fancy dress competition as to who could dress up best as a nun or a tart! I have never seen so many fish-net stockings and suspenders! And in Sutton Poyntz of all places!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 18:18
Sutton Poyntz does indeed look lovely. Just the sort of village I would love to live in.
Duffers, you were probably the most exciting speaker the SP WI had in ages. They couldn't resist playing up with the title of your speech!
Posted by: missred | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 18:26
Possibly, Miss Red, but they insisted that I be the judge. A terrifying ordeal!
Still, it's good to know that English eccentricity is alive and well!
Posted by: David Duff | Monday, 06 July 2015 at 19:46